As I explained last time, most of us have some
narcissistic traits, but people with narcissistic disorder are relatively rare. Let us remind ourselves that when discussing
narcissism it is vital to draw a distinction between someone who may act
selfishly from time to time and someone who is so wrapped up in themselves that
they may have either narcissistic style or narcissistic disorder. We wouldn’t say that someone who gets
occasionally sad was suffering from depression, nor must we call an
occasionally insensitive person a narcissist.
It is about degree. Nevertheless,
most of us know people who broadly exhibit several of the narcissistic qualities
I discussed last time and it is useful to describe some typical encounters with
people high on the spectrum.
Friends, Bosses, Parents, Lovers – give them your ears (and then your eyes and everything else)
A narcissistic friend will be the epitome of “it’s
all about me,” and will have a habit of steering every conversation around to
them. If you tell them about your
problem, you’ll get about 20 seconds on it, before they say, “oh that happened
to me too,” and then you’ll get many minutes of that. Their theme tune could well be Queen’s I Want it All and I want it Now. They
will want to bring most things that they do to your attention as a piece of
drama – whether it is good or bad, it will be the “best” or the “worst.” Whatever you have done – even it’s a major
achievement - they’ll have a story to trump it.
They will be in touch when they need something from you or when they
have something to boast about.
Of course, all of us like a little bit of attention
from time to time – that is not in itself narcissistic. On Social Networking Sites, like Facebook, there
is often an inherent base-level narcissism which most of us are party to - but it's always a matter of degree. Those on the higher end of the
narcissistic spectrum may stand out with much stronger attention-grabbing
behaviour and won’t allow drama to escape them for long.
If you have a narcissistic boss, he or she is
probably thoroughly uncompromising, driven and insensitive. They will demand that their every instruction
is followed and will often fly into a rage at the least provocation. It is likely that everyone in the work place
will fear and dislike them and although some may be taken into an inner circle,
that is always at their great risk. It’s
quite simply best to keep your head down and get on with things – or better
still move to another job.
Narcissistic spouses and lovers are hard work. They are uncompromising about getting their
own way – whether subtly or forcefully.
Normally, they simply cannot and will not consider your feelings, and at
the times that they do, it is likely to end up proving to be fake and simply a
ploy to keep you on side. They will tell
you anything that they feel that you want to hear so that they can get what
they want from you.
Typically, a narcissistic lover will seem extremely
charming to start with, but this charm hides a vampire-like quality. If a new lover seems initially almost too
good to be true or even like a fantasy, then this is a massive danger sign: high
levels of initial charm and sex-appeal are easy for a narcissist – if you think
about it, it goes with the territory of “look at me,” and a drive for adoration
and specialness. Alas, strongly narcissistic individuals do not consider their
lovers as people so much as a source of “supply” to feed their need to boost
the false self. They want what they can
get from you – usually sex, affirmation, money, attention. One way you can spot this is that if you challenge
them on that or anything else they have upset you about, they will often fly
into a rage and say that, “it’s all your fault.”
Narcissistic lovers often resemble the plate
spinning act in a magic show. They may
well have several sources of “supply” and when they get bored with one ex-lover
they will visit the others in rotation.
In any case, a typical narcissist exhibits very insecure attachment and
can feel emotionally overwhelmed or swallowed up if partners get close or
feelings are intense. It’s the excuse they need to run and leave you feeling
abandoned, though they are highly likely to be back – and each time that they return
they will lay on thick charm and say how foolish they have been. Possibly the worst
news is that narcissists will not feel guilty for their hurtful past behaviour
because they are unaware that they have broken any moral rules, or they are so
focussed on themselves that nothing can disturb their view of events. Instead, they will want you to focus on their
pain, however badly they treated you.
Narcissistic parents are very problematic and are
one of the most damaging experiences possible for a young child. Most experienced therapists could tell you
how they have had clients whose lives were severely damaged by a narcissistic
parent who saw them merely as an extension or reflection of their own
importance. Obviously when you are very
young, you need attention and lots of positive affirmation from your
parents. It’s not hard to see how a
parent who is wrapped up in them self can cause big and lasting problems in
this area. As an example, I have heard of parents who left their young children
home-alone or out on the streets, unsupervised, whilst they went off to the pub
all night to be with their friends and get drunk; and parents who saw their
children solely as reflections of them self - as a type of style accoutrement, not
allowing them to express any independence or individuality. It is worth noting
that psychologists describe a very strong correlation between narcissism and
addiction. It is often said that “all
addicts are narcissists, but not all narcissists are addicts.”
In therapy, the results of narcissistic parenting
need careful unpicking, but it can be done with patience, understanding and
warmth. It takes time, but children of
narcissists do work through their problems in therapy and move on.
How can Counselling help with Narcissism
A lot of
clients come to me explaining that they feel depressed or have an anger or
relationship issue, however, I have had only two that came claiming to be a
narcissist - and neither of them turned out to be very high on the spectrum.
Narcissistic people tend to think that they have no problems that need change because
they believe that problems in their life are caused by others and never by
themselves. Even so, I have seen many
clients who come because they have had a narcissistic parent or lover. There can be a great many emotional scars if
you’ve had a close relationship with someone who has used you and treated you
selfishly.
Working Directly With Narcissism
In working
with narcissism directly, therapy revolves around encouraging the exploration and then expression of
the narcissist’s real self, as opposed to the accumulated layers of falsity and
arrogance. Anyone who
wants to change must first become aware of any of the biases or distortions that they
hold against them self – or as Carl Rogers put it, “in order to change I must
first accept myself just as I am”. Since
narcissists practise denial, that is hard work for them since they would
struggle to see why they needed to change.
A counsellor will also work with how a narcissistic person
relates to others, so that they can begin to see them as people rather than objects
for their own satisfaction. Although progress
can be slow, with the support of friends and family as well as a counsellor, it
can be done. In therapy, it is important
to encourage the right things and give positive feedback for greater honesty,
kindness and shows of vulnerability rather than for achievement. Narcissists like to show off about
achievements and not about the depth of their relationships, but unless they
are encouraged to move away from that progress can’t be made. Good signs of progress would be an increasing
ability to share and recognise other people’s rights. Narcissists also need to
be encouraged in their attempts to subdue long held feelings of expectation and
specialness.
Working with People Who Have been Hurt
by the Narcissistic Behaviour of others
If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist
then you will probably have been very badly wounded by the experience and it
will have left you with many more questions than answers. A good therapist will offer you warmth and
understanding and allow you to tell your story and then to begin to explore and
work through it. Narcissism is one of
those subjects that all therapists are likely to be very aware of. It’s something we learn about as we qualify
and it’s something that often comes into the therapy room – normally a client
suffering the effects of it.
Therapy consists of many parts, but one of the key
ones is rebuilding the self-esteem of those who have been ill-treated by a
narcissist – because they sometimes have a very special way of making you feel
bad while they feel good. It’s about
getting to the truth and building up from there and about allowing clients to
have their own self-view even if an alternative one has long been thrust upon
them. It can also consist of ways of
talking to narcissistic personalities – there are ways in which you can get
them to moderate their behaviour and how you do this is inevitably quite subtle
– but it involves working with respect, boundaries, flexibility, avoiding
triggers, preventing becoming seduced by narcissistic delusions and
openness. A good therapist can help you
with all of those.
If you are involved with someone who is on the
narcissistic spectrum but not at the far edges of it, there is every chance
that you can build a better relationship with them. Studies show that the way to moderate their
behaviour is via three things: awareness of and openness about what they are
doing, receiving (and then learning to give back) unconditional love and going
to therapy to work through their issues. Above all remember that what
narcissists crave is love. They don’t
understand it and find it very hard to accept, but it is what they need.
It is also important that the therapist facilitates
the client in working out why he or she was attracted to the narcissist in the
first place. Is there a pattern of being
attracted to such personalities? If so
what is it about them and what need is being met in the client and where does
it comes from? By exploring these
issues, it is possible for a client to move on to a situation where they can
avoid a repeat, and the next time they encounter a person whom they find
attractive but concerned about, they can say, “hmm, I see the lure here. I know what I am doing and I know where this
goes. I am not going to do that this
time.” Many clients are helped by this
method.
To sum up, if you are in a close relationship with a
narcissist, it is going to be hard work, but you can learn to cope better with
things and repair any damage that has been done. Working with the right counsellor in therapy
can help you to move forward.
David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor. If you wish to tak about narcissism or any other problem, you can
book a face to face, telephone or skype video session with him by ringing 07578
100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com
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