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Tuesday 21 February 2012

Dealing with Redundancy




Losing a job can feel like a bereavement. Depending on the circumstances, it can be as bad as losing a loved one or the end of a key relationship. There can be five main fall outs from job loss: financial limitations, loss of meaning and identity, anxiety about the future, loss of self-esteem (having to tell people that you “don’t have a job,” especially if your self-image is heavily wrapped up in the job you had) and anger. Anger can be aimed at those who took your job away, politicians, the world at large and those who we love – they can be an easy target when the smallest things go wrong. In addition, some people, especially if they have worked for most of their lives or come from an area or family with a strong work-ethic, can feel shame. Shame is such a strong emotion that it can eat away at you and make you unable to move forward.

The fact is that we live in such uncertain times that there are few of us who are entirely sure that our job is safe or that it will be more or less the same in a year as it is now. Things are likely to continue to get worse for a little while before they start to get better. Redundancy is very destabilising not only for the person who loses their job but for those close to them. Even in the strongest, most loving and supportive couple relationship there are bound to be problems. Nearly all relationships go through difficult phases and any weaknesses which were dealt with easily in good times can be harder in a difficult situation. Money and sex are two obvious areas of extra tension - money being directly affected by job loss and sex indirectly – through worry, lack of confidence, anger or a withdrawal of communication.

Acceptance is a key part of dealing with what happened, but it can be hard to get to that stage as you may feel anger or shame. For a while at least, allow negative feelings to bubble up – warning those close that you are not yourself and that it will pass. Then try to move on - redundancy is hardly ever the fault of the person who faces it. If your next door neighbour or best friend lost their job, you wouldn’t be hard on them or blame them would you? Then why blame yourself?

Also allow that roles and duties within the home and family will shift. Partners will have different expectations of the future which can lead to niggles and tension. It can be hard for people – especially some men - to busy themselves with domestic chores they have never thrown themselves at before. But that doesn’t mean that those roles aren’t valuable or won’t bring satisfaction. If the partner who loses their job ends up doing more of what the other has done, it can lead to greater understanding and appreciation and handled carefully that can be growthful for the relationship.

As a counsellor, I can help understand what is happening to your emotions and help you to find some meaning and purpose so that you can move forward.

I’ve put together Ten Top Tips for Dealing with Redundancy

1. Keep cool and as level headed as you can.
2. Talk about it. Don’t bottle up how you are feeling. Friends, family and a counsellor can be helpful outlets.
3. Make a plan and stick to it. In particular, face up to the new financial demands of having less money, otherwise things can get worse very quickly. Financial problems, like any problems, don’t just go away and need to be dealt with wisely and calmly.
4. View the situation as a challenge and not as a problem. This can make you feel energised and positive. Inevitably you will want to look back at times, but don’t get stuck with doing that.
5. Finding a new job should be not only an important task, but also a routine. Finding a job or training up for a new one is a job in itself.
6. Be aware of how your redundancy is affecting your partner and other people who are close to you - see it as a chance for some extra teamwork. Children may pick up valuable skills and attitudes from watching you tackle the situation positively.
7. Stay positive and don’t hide yourself away from the world.
8. Don’t push people away if they want to help or ask how you feel. On the other hand don’t forget to ask them how they are too – it’s ok to be honest if you’re feeling miserable as long as that’s not all you ever talk about.
9. Keep busy and cheerful. Think about your general wellbeing as well as finding a job. This may mean finding time for hobbies so that your enjoyment of life is maintained.
10. Though the situation can hardly ever be described as good in the round, don’t blind yourself to the positive aspects – more time for family, helping around the house, DIY, hobbies, long term dreams, friends etc. If you’re going to be out of work for several months or more then plan to use that time constructively. Remember that time well spent is not just about earning money and that we work to live, not live to work.

If you’ve been given redundancy money then use it wisely. If it is generous, consider treating yourself and your loved ones to a break. But plan the timing of that carefully - give yourself a few weeks after the loss to feel and start to accept as rushing straight off to the sun will mean that you come back to a huge anti-climax, which can add greatly to the destabilising. During time away, the loss may ease emotionally, you will have time to think and get things into perspective and your partner is likely to reassure you. You will probably come back ready for action.

Even so, with all of the positive thinking and planning in the world, the trauma of losing a job can be very painful to deal with. If you repeatedly try your hardest to find a job and cannot then you also have to deal with the feeling of rejection, which again feeds into shame. This can cause a vicious spiral towards depression. Depression is often the result of unexpressed or inadequately expressed anger and shame, and redundancy can be a huge trigger for that. If stress and low-feelings start to overwhelm you, and you have been mainly dealing with things on your own, then think about finding professional help from a counsellor, your GP or career guidance – perhaps all three. I see many people suffering from terrible loss of all kinds and was unemployed myself for two years. I have experienced it, understand what it feels like and am trained to help you.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor. If you wish to talk about attachments in your life, you can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Monday 13 February 2012

On Attachment




The subject of attachment is one that fascinates me. It seems to be at the centre of much psychological, philosophical and spiritual thinking. In psychology, John and Richard Bowlby have written about the importance of secure attachment in babies and how insecure and avoidant attachment at that stage can bring all sorts of problems in later life. Philosophers have taken opposing views about attachment – Diogenes lived in a clay jar and wanted little to do with others even though a steady stream of people came to seek his famous wisdom, Schopenhauer loathed most other people, Nietzsche craved both solitude and the company of others and Montaigne loved company but was so heartbroken after the death of a close friend that he hid himself away in his study for the rest of his life.

In religious terms should we live like hermits, nuns or monks or be like Saint Simeon Stylites who lived up a stone column for 37 years? Or should we be like Jesus who surrounded himself with 12 disciples and a number of close female friends and encouraged us to be fishers of men? Or should we follow the Buddhist precept that mixing with others is good but it would be better not to form strong attachments to them?

Each of us will have our views on these things. What is clear is that what is right for one person is not right for another. And most of us like balance. I cannot do without solitude, but equally I could not live like a monk or a hermit.

John Bowlby said that people who have either avoidant or insecure attachments find it very difficult to form close attachments – particularly romantic ones in later life. Those with insecure attachments will often wear their partners down with their needs and demands, whilst those with avoidant attachment are likely to push anyone they get close to away and thus often have a series of failed relationships or else their main relationship can be much colder and lacking in intimacy than it should be. Luckily these issues can be dealt with in therapy – especially the patient non-judgemental and warm humanistic therapies – and people can become aware of their patterns, break them and move on.

It needs to be said that there are no perfect parents out there. We just have to be good enough for our kids. Human beings are very resilient and mostly tend towards positive growth so any slight deficiencies in upbringing are normally easily managed. Besides, which of us can claim never to be neurotic about anything? As Jung said, “the psychic cases of neurotics differ hardly at all from those of so-called normal persons – for what man today is quite sure that he is not neurotic?” We all have our ups and downs, but having said that, each of us are on the continuum of neuroticism - from a Woody Allen type persona to a zen master.

My own view is that relationships with others are a key thing for the vast majority of us, and a healthy relationship with our self is vital for all of us. Loving yourself does not mean narcissistic absorption. It need not be a selfish act. As writers such as Fromm and Frankl have said, those who do not love themselves are incapable of loving anyone else either and so a healthy amount of self love is vital.

The psychology writers Horne and Kiselica went as far as to say that, “almost all mental health problems are the direct result of a breakdown in a relationship: with self, with others, or with an existential other (on some level, God, however he or she is perceived). “ I think that is probably true. Most people that I see are either having major relationship problems with others or else cannot come to terms with some aspect of their own life – anger or selfishness or self-esteem, for instance.

I see sense in the Buddhist notion of avoiding strong attachment, but essentially cannot follow it myself as more than a wise warning about not looking towards another person for fulfilment of our happiness or being. Ultimately this is why I think that a certain amount of solitude (not loneliness) is essential for our mental health - so that we can look to ourselves and get in touch with what we need for emotional and spiritual growth. Artists and thinkers of all types will see the need for solitude on another level as well. After periods of solitude, we can emerge ready again for healthy encounters with others. And most humans beings are also strongly sexual beings, looking for a union with another – especially if that union is loving, comforting, protecting and spiritually growthful. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke combined these notions of solitude and close loving relationships by making the following memorable and existential comment: “Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.”

It is true that close relationships, especially intimate ones, can be hurtful, but where would any of us be without them? In fact, most of us wouldn’t be here had our parents not made them. Thus, I agree with Stephanie Dowrick ‘s idea that, “it absolutely supports our psychological health to have a whole range of people to care about and take an interest in. We all need at least a village's worth of friends, acquaintances, challengers and allies.”

It’s not always easy to have a whole village worth. I wouldn’t view that as essential – even though on one level (perhaps often shallow if we’re honest) Facebook and other social network sites can seem to make this happen. A few close friends and a lot of acquaintances is enough providing we choose the friends wisely, perhaps bearing in mind Aristotle’s definition of a friend – someone who promotes the better and sounder in another - and not the commonly held view that any person who buys us a drink in a pub, flatters us or shows us any kind of attention is a friend. And of course, attachments to nature and animals are also very healthy.

I think that attachments are often the very stuff and joy of life, and so I leave the last word to my favourite writer about therapy, Irvin Yalom:

“attachments and plenty of them, are the indispensable ingredients of a full life and to avoid attachments because of anticipated suffering is a sure recipe to being only partially alive.”

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor. If you wish to talk about attachments in your life, you can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com