How to Deal Better with Angry or Hurtful People

When our bodies are under extreme threat, they adopt the flight, fight or freeze response.  Thinking and feeling go out of the window and we just respond.  Our “old brain” makes us respond the same way as animals in the wild.  First, an animal will try to run; if he can’t he’ll fight; if that’s useless, he’ll freeze as often that can put off or distract the predator.  One good example of this in action with humans is stage fright. We’ve all heard stories of how different performers have done all three of these things depending on the situation.

In our lives, it’s about getting the balance right - there is a time to think and a time to act.  It’s not good to make rash decisions, but equally, it’s not good to sit on things for too long or to feel ourselves getting more and more anxious about a future event.  Although it isn’t easy, it can sometimes be good to simply do something instead of worrying or thinking about it too much. Deep anxiety is often much worse than fear because one feels oneself under continuous threat or perhaps one feels a threat to one’s essential view of the self, whereas fear, however bad, is normally about a situation that will pass soon.

When dealing with aggressive, angry, excessively demanding or difficult people, summoning up the strength to act towards them as if there were no problem may work in the short term and perhaps medium term – longer term, we will need to find a more lasting solution. Generally, people will respond better to us if we act confidently.  Even if it is clear that they don’t like us, we can boost our self-esteem by trying to stay in control of our own emotions and dealing factually and calmly with any insults or disparaging remarks.

When dealing with angry people, we must first ask ourselves whether they have a valid reason to be angry with us.  If so then one should deal with it in a way that allows and acknowledges the other’s anger. Up to a point, that’s part of being a mature adult.  But even so, hopefully their anger is proportional and an expression of emotion rather than a threat.

Other than relationship and self-esteem issues, more clients come to me with anger issues than any other problem.  It is vital to remember that anger is not necessarily a bad thing.  I remind my clients that it is a natural part of being human – even saint-like people can get angry.  Anger can be a powerful force for positive change, but again it depends on the situation and the way that the anger is expressed. Some people find that they cannot express their anger and bottle it up; some that they act it out, causing problems in their relationships; others want help with constantly having to deal with the anger of an important person in their life. All of these issues are major life problems which can be eased in therapy or via a consistent and thoughtful approach.

I want to outline a few pointers for dealing with angry or hurtful people:

• Remember that an angry person’s emotions are almost certainly masking fear.  Perhaps their fears are well founded perhaps not, but knowing that they are based upon fear can help you deal with them.
• It is important to remain calm and state one’s point of view without attacking or putting down the other person.
• Angry people tend to demonise people or polarise situations.  They search hard to find ways in which you (or the world in general) are hurting them.  Being aware of this can help you put their anger in perspective.
• If a person has hurt you by their actions, remember that more often than not they have done this out of weakness or selfishness rather than malice.  Stand your ground, make it plain that you are unhappy with their recent behaviour, but do not act like a martyr or a victim.  One can make one’s point in a dignified way and then it’s up to the other person to change their behaviour.  If they don’t, you may have the option to stay out of their way in future – at least as much as you can.
• The Dalai Lama said that before speaking one must ask if something is true, kind and necessary.  Truth does not have to be said harshly. We can be truthful without appearing superior. Remember that you are not perfect either – though that does not excuse another’s bad behaviour.
• It is important to behave with dignity in most circumstances.  That way, if a situation arises when you do feel in hot water and aren’t at your best, people will still view you with respect and cut you some slack.  If you’re always agitated and moody then it will be harder to get people to listen to you when you’re so upset that it’s hard to make your point. 
• Remember that hard times are also opportunities. In crisis situations, your real friends will appear and people will want to stick together.  If you’ve helped others when they needed it, the chances are they’ll help you back when you need it.  If not, then you’ve learnt that you have the wrong “friends” anyway, which is useful in itself.
• As the psychology writer Irvin Yalom says, it is often better to “strike when the iron’s cold.”  This means that if you are facing an angry person, try to do most of the things that are mentioned above, BUT save the analytical part until there is relative calm and the anger has passed.  Then you can pick your time and say, “I was not happy about what happened there.  What can we do to make it better between us?”  Focus on solutions not hurts and resentments. They will probably respond positively, but it’s worth working out beforehand what you will do if they don’t...will you back off assuming (probably accurately) that they will go away and think about what you said, or will you calmly insist on your point?  Both can be valid.
• If the situation has gone past the point of no return and the angry person is an immediate threat then above all PROTECT yourself.  The angry person IS responsible for his or her actions and don’t let them try to convince you otherwise.  Whatever you have done (or haven’t) separate out what’s your stuff and what’s the angry person’s – whilst reasonable complaints about something you’ve got wrong would be your stuff IF the anger was delivered to you in a reasonable manner, an attempt to damage, threaten or control you is theirs not yours. You deserve to be valued and respected.  Extract yourself as quickly and calmly as possible from the situation.
• Anger can be a powerful catalyst for positive change but only if we use it correctly. If you find yourself getting angry, as a general rule, remember that anger is a sign not a solution.  It’s a sign that something in your life is wrong and needs to be dealt with. This doesn’t necessarily require revolution, but it certainly requires honesty and communication.  Try to view your anger as a positive thing and channel it to change things.  And be honest about how much of that change is needed within yourself.
• In most situations be ready to forgive and move on.  Ask yourself if you are gaining pleasure or security from hanging onto resentments and misery – if we’re honest most of us do at times.   The Buddhist writer Pema Chodron had a good point when she said, “the greatest obstacle to connecting with our joy is resentment.“ Forgiveness is for you as well as the person who hurt you. 
• Get help if you need it.  A problem with anger is that it is such a hugely powerful emotion that at its height it blocks out all others – love, sadness, fear, concern.  If the monster has got too big, ask for support from a friend, family member or counsellor.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Bad Habits that Lead to Unhappiness - and How to Start to Change Them

There are certain life-patterns which are more likely to lead to a person feeling unhappy.  Often these patterns are so ingrained that there can be no quick fix and a prolonged period of change is necessary, sometimes with the help of a counsellor to guide you.  Even so, it is useful to look briefly at a few of them now and spend some time thinking about them.  For every negative pattern, I have briefly outlined some approaches for dealing with them. Some of these patterns include:

• Not being in the present moment - either dwelling on the past or getting anxious about the future.
  
  By doing this you miss out on whatever is happening at that moment – and often it’s something you could enjoy if you allow it. Instead,  practise enjoying what is now.  At any one point it’s all that there is.  The best way to do this is to do something very simple like read a book or go for a walk.  As you do so bring into your mind the pleasures of doing  it.
  
  
• Finding that you have no meaning in what you do. 
  
  This is a modern scourge. I work with many people with this problem.  If you have no meaning then you will need to start to change this. It will take time and talking to friends or a counsellor can help, but here are a few guidelines to get you started: is it to do with not following your dreams, or with being too selfish and not doing anything to help others?  Is your life too materialistic and not spiritual enough?  Meaning is generally not found in material things.
  
  
• Doing too many passive things and allowing life to pass you by. 
  
  A recent study from America found that those who watched the most t.v. were often the most unhappy people, whilst those who pursued a hobby or had a strong and caring social circle were seldom unhappy.  Two or three really good friends are better than zillions of acquaintances.  If you have good friends, nothing is more valuable, so celebrate that.
  
  
• Getting into a pattern of stress and “treadmill-itis.”
  
  This is another modern day curse.  It might be that you can’t take the stress away, but you can do two things about it.  First, you can try to accept it and deal with it as a challenge.  Sometimes that won’t be appropriate, but it will be at other times.  Second, you need to insist on building in “being” or “me” time into your day.  Read a book, go for a walk, go to the gym, have a head massage, meditate, play some music, write a poem.  Whatever it is you like to do to unwind, build it in ESPECIALLY in busy, stressful times.  It’s then that you most need it.
  
  
• Not accepting responsibility for one’s own day to day life and blaming circumstances.
  
  Well, of course, sometimes circumstances don’t help, but the world is full of people who rose above difficult circumstances to live really inspiring lives.  Only you can change things for the better.  It won’t happen by magic or sitting there complaining about your lot.  The truth is most of us are our own worst enemies because we build our own barriers to a happy life.
  
  
• Blaming others when things go wrong in our relationships.
  
  It’s true that sometimes other people’s behaviour does cause us some misery, BUT how we deal with what they do is the important thing.  Instead of asking what the other can do to improve things, we could ask what we can do to make things better.  It is important to remember why this person is a friend and to remember the really good qualities and good things that they have done for us rather than dwelling on their faults.  But if you tried everything and the other person continually blocks you, then again you have the power – it’s time to start being really honest with them and calmly insisting that your own needs are met.  If they are continually selfish and disrespect you then it time to consider leaving.  After all, that’s what you’d tell a friend to do.
  
  
• Feeling inadequate and negatively comparing ourselves to others.
  
  We should count our blessings instead of what we perceive as difficulties.  The greatest riches any of us possess are the things that bring us joy...relationships with others, nature, hobbies, moments of peace for instance.  Find time to do what you love and realise that there is nothing you can have that is better than that.  If you have moments of joy in every week you will find it easier to deal with the harder moments.
  
  
• Never feeling satisfied with what one has, instead always wanting more or something else. 
  
  Remember that even the poorest people in the West are in the top 5% of wealthiest people on the planet.  The chances are you are very blessed by many things – commodities, attributes and abilities that many other would wish that they had.  Showing thankfulness is a good way of feeling happier.
  
  
• Thinking the worst of others and wanting revenge for what they did. 
  
  When people hurt you, you need to ask yourself some hard questions.  Were your expectations of them too high?  It’s best to remember that they are imperfect just like you.  If not, then did the person who hurt you do so out of fear, selfishness and weakness or out of spite and malice?  It’s hardly ever the latter two things, and realising that takes away some of the pain.  Honest and calm communication is vital when sorting out the problem. By all means point out that they hurt you, but be gentle and dignified about that and explain that you still care about them.  If it has gone beyond that, then a calm backing off from the situation will leave you feeling more in control about what happened.
  
  
• Being overly pessimistic about life and assuming that everything will tend towards the worst. 
  
  To be realistic, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.  No one said life had to be fair, but it can be beautiful.  Concentrate on the roses not the thorns.
  
  
• Wanting too much perfection and feeling that life should be perfect.
  
  We can accept that it isn’t and realise that if it was events would be very boring. Sometimes it’s meeting a challenge that makes life worthwhile. In reality it would be dreadful to live a life rather like that in The Stepford Wives.
  
  
• Spending too much time being self-obsessed instead of putting others first for a change. 
  
  Next time you want someone to do something for you, ask instead what you can do for them.  Make it a habit to treat others rather than yourself all the time. There is more joy in helping a friend with their problem than expecting them to help you with yours.  Of course if you’re always the one doing the giving, then it’s time to insist on a little receiving!
  
  
• Always following the same patterns even though you know they lead to problems. 
  
  Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Why not try something different?  It can’t end up any worse and it will probably be better.  Life will keep on teaching you the same lesson until you learn it, so let it be a learning curve, let it teach you new things.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com