How to Deal Better with Angry or Hurtful People

When our bodies are under extreme threat, they adopt the flight, fight or freeze response.  Thinking and feeling go out of the window and we just respond.  Our “old brain” makes us respond the same way as animals in the wild.  First, an animal will try to run; if he can’t he’ll fight; if that’s useless, he’ll freeze as often that can put off or distract the predator.  One good example of this in action with humans is stage fright. We’ve all heard stories of how different performers have done all three of these things depending on the situation.

In our lives, it’s about getting the balance right - there is a time to think and a time to act.  It’s not good to make rash decisions, but equally, it’s not good to sit on things for too long or to feel ourselves getting more and more anxious about a future event.  Although it isn’t easy, it can sometimes be good to simply do something instead of worrying or thinking about it too much. Deep anxiety is often much worse than fear because one feels oneself under continuous threat or perhaps one feels a threat to one’s essential view of the self, whereas fear, however bad, is normally about a situation that will pass soon.

When dealing with aggressive, angry, excessively demanding or difficult people, summoning up the strength to act towards them as if there were no problem may work in the short term and perhaps medium term – longer term, we will need to find a more lasting solution. Generally, people will respond better to us if we act confidently.  Even if it is clear that they don’t like us, we can boost our self-esteem by trying to stay in control of our own emotions and dealing factually and calmly with any insults or disparaging remarks.

When dealing with angry people, we must first ask ourselves whether they have a valid reason to be angry with us.  If so then one should deal with it in a way that allows and acknowledges the other’s anger. Up to a point, that’s part of being a mature adult.  But even so, hopefully their anger is proportional and an expression of emotion rather than a threat.

Other than relationship and self-esteem issues, more clients come to me with anger issues than any other problem.  It is vital to remember that anger is not necessarily a bad thing.  I remind my clients that it is a natural part of being human – even saint-like people can get angry.  Anger can be a powerful force for positive change, but again it depends on the situation and the way that the anger is expressed. Some people find that they cannot express their anger and bottle it up; some that they act it out, causing problems in their relationships; others want help with constantly having to deal with the anger of an important person in their life. All of these issues are major life problems which can be eased in therapy or via a consistent and thoughtful approach.

I want to outline a few pointers for dealing with angry or hurtful people:

• Remember that an angry person’s emotions are almost certainly masking fear.  Perhaps their fears are well founded perhaps not, but knowing that they are based upon fear can help you deal with them.
• It is important to remain calm and state one’s point of view without attacking or putting down the other person.
• Angry people tend to demonise people or polarise situations.  They search hard to find ways in which you (or the world in general) are hurting them.  Being aware of this can help you put their anger in perspective.
• If a person has hurt you by their actions, remember that more often than not they have done this out of weakness or selfishness rather than malice.  Stand your ground, make it plain that you are unhappy with their recent behaviour, but do not act like a martyr or a victim.  One can make one’s point in a dignified way and then it’s up to the other person to change their behaviour.  If they don’t, you may have the option to stay out of their way in future – at least as much as you can.
• The Dalai Lama said that before speaking one must ask if something is true, kind and necessary.  Truth does not have to be said harshly. We can be truthful without appearing superior. Remember that you are not perfect either – though that does not excuse another’s bad behaviour.
• It is important to behave with dignity in most circumstances.  That way, if a situation arises when you do feel in hot water and aren’t at your best, people will still view you with respect and cut you some slack.  If you’re always agitated and moody then it will be harder to get people to listen to you when you’re so upset that it’s hard to make your point. 
• Remember that hard times are also opportunities. In crisis situations, your real friends will appear and people will want to stick together.  If you’ve helped others when they needed it, the chances are they’ll help you back when you need it.  If not, then you’ve learnt that you have the wrong “friends” anyway, which is useful in itself.
• As the psychology writer Irvin Yalom says, it is often better to “strike when the iron’s cold.”  This means that if you are facing an angry person, try to do most of the things that are mentioned above, BUT save the analytical part until there is relative calm and the anger has passed.  Then you can pick your time and say, “I was not happy about what happened there.  What can we do to make it better between us?”  Focus on solutions not hurts and resentments. They will probably respond positively, but it’s worth working out beforehand what you will do if they don’t...will you back off assuming (probably accurately) that they will go away and think about what you said, or will you calmly insist on your point?  Both can be valid.
• If the situation has gone past the point of no return and the angry person is an immediate threat then above all PROTECT yourself.  The angry person IS responsible for his or her actions and don’t let them try to convince you otherwise.  Whatever you have done (or haven’t) separate out what’s your stuff and what’s the angry person’s – whilst reasonable complaints about something you’ve got wrong would be your stuff IF the anger was delivered to you in a reasonable manner, an attempt to damage, threaten or control you is theirs not yours. You deserve to be valued and respected.  Extract yourself as quickly and calmly as possible from the situation.
• Anger can be a powerful catalyst for positive change but only if we use it correctly. If you find yourself getting angry, as a general rule, remember that anger is a sign not a solution.  It’s a sign that something in your life is wrong and needs to be dealt with. This doesn’t necessarily require revolution, but it certainly requires honesty and communication.  Try to view your anger as a positive thing and channel it to change things.  And be honest about how much of that change is needed within yourself.
• In most situations be ready to forgive and move on.  Ask yourself if you are gaining pleasure or security from hanging onto resentments and misery – if we’re honest most of us do at times.   The Buddhist writer Pema Chodron had a good point when she said, “the greatest obstacle to connecting with our joy is resentment.“ Forgiveness is for you as well as the person who hurt you. 
• Get help if you need it.  A problem with anger is that it is such a hugely powerful emotion that at its height it blocks out all others – love, sadness, fear, concern.  If the monster has got too big, ask for support from a friend, family member or counsellor.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Bad Habits that Lead to Unhappiness - and How to Start to Change Them

There are certain life-patterns which are more likely to lead to a person feeling unhappy.  Often these patterns are so ingrained that there can be no quick fix and a prolonged period of change is necessary, sometimes with the help of a counsellor to guide you.  Even so, it is useful to look briefly at a few of them now and spend some time thinking about them.  For every negative pattern, I have briefly outlined some approaches for dealing with them. Some of these patterns include:

• Not being in the present moment - either dwelling on the past or getting anxious about the future.
  
  By doing this you miss out on whatever is happening at that moment – and often it’s something you could enjoy if you allow it. Instead,  practise enjoying what is now.  At any one point it’s all that there is.  The best way to do this is to do something very simple like read a book or go for a walk.  As you do so bring into your mind the pleasures of doing  it.
  
  
• Finding that you have no meaning in what you do. 
  
  This is a modern scourge. I work with many people with this problem.  If you have no meaning then you will need to start to change this. It will take time and talking to friends or a counsellor can help, but here are a few guidelines to get you started: is it to do with not following your dreams, or with being too selfish and not doing anything to help others?  Is your life too materialistic and not spiritual enough?  Meaning is generally not found in material things.
  
  
• Doing too many passive things and allowing life to pass you by. 
  
  A recent study from America found that those who watched the most t.v. were often the most unhappy people, whilst those who pursued a hobby or had a strong and caring social circle were seldom unhappy.  Two or three really good friends are better than zillions of acquaintances.  If you have good friends, nothing is more valuable, so celebrate that.
  
  
• Getting into a pattern of stress and “treadmill-itis.”
  
  This is another modern day curse.  It might be that you can’t take the stress away, but you can do two things about it.  First, you can try to accept it and deal with it as a challenge.  Sometimes that won’t be appropriate, but it will be at other times.  Second, you need to insist on building in “being” or “me” time into your day.  Read a book, go for a walk, go to the gym, have a head massage, meditate, play some music, write a poem.  Whatever it is you like to do to unwind, build it in ESPECIALLY in busy, stressful times.  It’s then that you most need it.
  
  
• Not accepting responsibility for one’s own day to day life and blaming circumstances.
  
  Well, of course, sometimes circumstances don’t help, but the world is full of people who rose above difficult circumstances to live really inspiring lives.  Only you can change things for the better.  It won’t happen by magic or sitting there complaining about your lot.  The truth is most of us are our own worst enemies because we build our own barriers to a happy life.
  
  
• Blaming others when things go wrong in our relationships.
  
  It’s true that sometimes other people’s behaviour does cause us some misery, BUT how we deal with what they do is the important thing.  Instead of asking what the other can do to improve things, we could ask what we can do to make things better.  It is important to remember why this person is a friend and to remember the really good qualities and good things that they have done for us rather than dwelling on their faults.  But if you tried everything and the other person continually blocks you, then again you have the power – it’s time to start being really honest with them and calmly insisting that your own needs are met.  If they are continually selfish and disrespect you then it time to consider leaving.  After all, that’s what you’d tell a friend to do.
  
  
• Feeling inadequate and negatively comparing ourselves to others.
  
  We should count our blessings instead of what we perceive as difficulties.  The greatest riches any of us possess are the things that bring us joy...relationships with others, nature, hobbies, moments of peace for instance.  Find time to do what you love and realise that there is nothing you can have that is better than that.  If you have moments of joy in every week you will find it easier to deal with the harder moments.
  
  
• Never feeling satisfied with what one has, instead always wanting more or something else. 
  
  Remember that even the poorest people in the West are in the top 5% of wealthiest people on the planet.  The chances are you are very blessed by many things – commodities, attributes and abilities that many other would wish that they had.  Showing thankfulness is a good way of feeling happier.
  
  
• Thinking the worst of others and wanting revenge for what they did. 
  
  When people hurt you, you need to ask yourself some hard questions.  Were your expectations of them too high?  It’s best to remember that they are imperfect just like you.  If not, then did the person who hurt you do so out of fear, selfishness and weakness or out of spite and malice?  It’s hardly ever the latter two things, and realising that takes away some of the pain.  Honest and calm communication is vital when sorting out the problem. By all means point out that they hurt you, but be gentle and dignified about that and explain that you still care about them.  If it has gone beyond that, then a calm backing off from the situation will leave you feeling more in control about what happened.
  
  
• Being overly pessimistic about life and assuming that everything will tend towards the worst. 
  
  To be realistic, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.  No one said life had to be fair, but it can be beautiful.  Concentrate on the roses not the thorns.
  
  
• Wanting too much perfection and feeling that life should be perfect.
  
  We can accept that it isn’t and realise that if it was events would be very boring. Sometimes it’s meeting a challenge that makes life worthwhile. In reality it would be dreadful to live a life rather like that in The Stepford Wives.
  
  
• Spending too much time being self-obsessed instead of putting others first for a change. 
  
  Next time you want someone to do something for you, ask instead what you can do for them.  Make it a habit to treat others rather than yourself all the time. There is more joy in helping a friend with their problem than expecting them to help you with yours.  Of course if you’re always the one doing the giving, then it’s time to insist on a little receiving!
  
  
• Always following the same patterns even though you know they lead to problems. 
  
  Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Why not try something different?  It can’t end up any worse and it will probably be better.  Life will keep on teaching you the same lesson until you learn it, so let it be a learning curve, let it teach you new things.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Ten Books to Make Life Easier

Clients are always asking me which books they can read to help with their therapy or just life in general.  Most often I point them at one of ten I mention below.  I have read them all myself and gained a lot from having done so.

The following books certainly cover many aspects of how to make life more bearable, comfortable- and probably more joyous.  You may have other books that you have found useful, but these are very much my own favourites – so, you won’t find any quick cure books here.  For instance, I am not at all keen on The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, as for me it took a simple (and well trodden) idea – “positive thinking helps to make positive results” – and changed it into undeliverable magic – “believe that you can have anything you want and you shall.” As a counsellor, I strongly discourage quick or magic fixes.  Life does not work like that. All of the following books require some commitment, or at least point the way of a more profound way of thinking and feeling.

I also include a group of CDs at the end which I think are useful for finding some peace and in our stressful lives.

Awareness – Anthony de Mello

De Mello was part Jesuit priest (with a Buddhist leaning), part counsellor, part teacher, part author and part philosopher.  I find his books to be both easy to read and amazingly profound.  De Mello declares that the purpose of the book is to do no less than wake people up.  It is his assertion (perhaps following on from Socrates) that most people find little comfort and contentment in their lives precisely because they are not aware of their ways of thinking and dealing with life.  By becoming aware we can change some things and leave other alone.  He also talks about the nature of love, suffering, selfishness and our relationships with self and others.  He has a way of explaining things via his own short parables which make things very easy to follow.  I find the book so useful that I’ve read it through 4 times in the last 2 years, and dip into it regularly.

Love’s Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy – Irvin Yalom

Yalom is a great story teller and he has a way of wrapping up important thoughts about life in a simple way.  He writes mainly about what he considers to be the four main problems that people have to deal with in their lives – loss (including bereavement), meaninglessness (which he says is very prevalent in today’s society), isolation and freedom vs responsibility.  Although his stories are all extreme cases of suffering, it is from these extreme cases that we can learn much about ourselves and the nature of what it is to be human.  Yalom offers no quick fixes but he is an expert at making us feel more at ease with the difficulties of life – which are, after all, universal.  When we read of the extreme nature of the problems and neurotic natures of his characters we may come to see that our own problems, though often similar, are usually much less onerous, and thus become easier to bear.

Taming Your Gremlin – Rick Carson

This is really about how to change our internalised habits of negative criticism and low self-esteem.  Carson asks us to imagine that the urge to do things which are causing us suffering (such as that we cannot do something or that we are not good enough) is a gremlin on our shoulders (poking and prodding us like some cartoon demon).  He teaches us how to deal with that gremlin so that it starts to lose its power and eventually gives up.  He deals specifically with a variety of messages that people tend to tell themselves daily – “I should do this” or I shouldn’t do that.”  Many of my clients and friends have been helped by this book, and I use it myself to help with my anxiety about public speaking.

The Road Less Travelled – M Scott Peck

Peck famously begins his book with “life is difficult.”  He doesn’t pull any punches from start to finish, and often retells his own difficult experiences as a way of illuminating his ideas.  He tells us there are no quick fixes and there is no magic.  Changing painful problems is often painful in its itself – at least for a time.  Like Yalom he talks about people wanting to change but being too afraid to actually do so – their old habits, though painful, being safer than the risk of going through the relatively short term pain barrier into the unknown and a better life.  He talks about loving oneself (not in a selfish but in a generous way) and loving others, and about the importance of spiritual growth especially in our important relationships.

Ten Days to Great Self-Esteem – Dr David Burns

This book is different from all the others on the list in that it is a systematic, practical guide.  It doesn’t necessarily seek to solve deep rooted causes of suffering (as some of the other books do) but it’s strength is that it seeks to alleviate symptoms by getting the reader to go through a series of tasks to change the way they think about themselves.  I have found that it has helped many clients – but it is definitely a book to use alongside therapy rather than instead of it.

Loneliness and Love – Clark E Moustakas

Quite aside from having profound ideas, Moustakas also writes as beautifully as a poet, which makes him a delight to read.  He mainly writes about the joys of solitude and the difficulties of loneliness.  By spending lots of time on his own he came into deep contact with himself and found that this enabled him to build better relationships.  He draws a big distinction between loneliness and solitude.  He experienced both and learned much from them.  It’s a short book , and you feel that you are in the presence of a good, caring and deep soul as you read it.

The Consolations of Philosophy – Alain de Botton

The great philosophers have had much to say on how best to live life and De Botton does a good job of guiding us through that.  Like most of the writers here, De Botton writes beautifully and succinctly about the most profound issues.  Here we get consolations for: a broken heart, lack of money, lack of friends and feeling inadequate.  He quotes Montaigne (one of my favourite philosophers) as saying – “what matters in a book is usefulness and appropriateness to life."  Here, too, De Botton provides us with a book that shows the usefulness of philosophy when we are faced with the trials and tribulations that life inevitably brings – or as Epicurus puts it:  “Just as medicine confers no benefit if it does not drive away physical illness, so philosophy is useless if it does not drive away the suffering of the mind.”  I enjoy this book so much that I have it on tape (for the car) as well as in hard back copy.  I am quite sure that most people who read it will find huge chunks of it relevant to their own experiences.

Total Freedom: The Essential Krishnamurti

This book, a conglomeration of many of the author’s best ideas, is perhaps the most spiritual on this list, but that is not to say that it is overtly religious.  Krishnamurti deals with freedom, life, death, suffering, love, truth, friendship and contentment.  He talks a great deal about how when individuals change for the better, the societies they are in can do too.  Above all, his is a message of the need to take courage.  This is my favourite quote of his: “What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.”

The Art of Loving – Erich Fromm

This bestselling book is perhaps more of an intense read than any of the other books on this list.  Fromm discusses at length the nature of different types of love – romantic, brotherly, for friends, erotic, religious and for self.  In doing so, he explodes a lot of ideas that you may have taken for granted and makes you rethink them.  His message is that love is an art that we need to develop and that we should start by loving ourselves.  Only if we love ourselves can we love others.  But he is set against all forms of selfishness, arguing that love is not love if it is delivered selfishly.  He argues that man must stop treating his fellows as a commodity and break loose from the modern inclination to do so – people should be loved and valued for who they are not what they do.

Being Human (More Real Poems for Unreal Times) – Edited Neil Astley

As a poet, I know of the healing power of poetry.  Both writing and reading it can bring us great relief and help us to view our problems as universal.  I could recommend hundreds of poems and poetry books, but this one is part of a trilogy that is particularly relevant to making life more bearable –and it contains a good variety of poetry, from the classics to contemporary poets.  There are poems covering such areas as love, death, the stages of life, universal human difficulties, hope and body and soul.  None of them will solve your problems, but they will offer you some comfort and sometimes a new angle on them – and often that’s more than enough.

As a bonus, I would also suggest the range of CDs by Jon Kabat-Zinn.  He is the founding director of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society.   He is one of the world’s leading lights in teaching about mindfulness (living in the present moment) and he does this by encouraging people to do breathing exercises.  He has a range of three CDs of Guided Mindfulness Meditation, which I have found very useful, as have several of my clients.  His voice is very soothing and his ideas about meditation are not specifically religious.  Quite simply, it’s all about the power of being rather than doing.  If you have a lot of immediate stress in your life and are looking for something specific to alleviate it quickly then using these CDs can be a wonderful help. I would also like to find room to make the list up to twelve books by adding: May Sarton - Journal of Solitude, and Depression as a Spiritual Journey - Stephanie Sorrell...two wonderful books.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Coping with Bereavement

I thought I’d write this blog article from a very personal perspective. Having recently lost my father, I understand about grief and bereavement only too well. He and I were very close and I miss him very much. Nonetheless, I have not yet fully dealt with his loss. I know that some of the feelings that I have around his passing have yet to surface. This is quite normal. The grieving process takes time and if there are other things going on in our life it can be stalled (perhaps partly as a defence mechanism).

A friend of mine told me recently that when his father died he let out little emotion until six months after his death when he heard a song that he associated with him in a shop. He broke down and sobbed almost continuously for the next three days. I have certainly let out some emotion, but I know that there is more to come. It cannot be forced. It happens when you are ready for it.

The same is true for other sorts of loss – divorce, the loss of a job, a friendship, good health or a relationship, for instance. Depending on circumstances, these can all be as painful as a death, but the deep feelings may take time to sink in, especially if you are the sort who finds it difficult to deal with your feelings openly to start with. Feelings need to be expressed or they are repressed and surface in all sorts of unhealthy ways – avoidant behaviour, anger, snappiness with others etc.

I have a picture of my father on my desk at home. I have dealt with much of the grief but have not ended the process yet. I am being gentle with myself as it unfolds.

As counsellors if we are to deal with the emotions of our clients, we need to be in touch with our own and not block, avoid or deny them. To do so would make us poor counsellors. I am currently discussing my feelings and issues around the death of my father with a trusted colleague and have found it both unburdening and enlightening. I am used to dealing with people who have suffered loss or bereavement and would be happy to work with you should you wish to book a session with me. As a person-centred counsellor, I am trained to be empathic and supportive, and with my existential leanings, I know that loss is an ever present issue in our lives (days, people and things come and go through our lives as a constant, and this is sometimes painful and hard to deal with).

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified 5 Stages of Grief. She developed ideas which are of great and compassionate help with those who suffer the emotional suffering brought on by loss, death and trauma. The five stages are all relative and all interchangeable. They are all perfectly normal and human. They can come in any order over different lengths of time and in different strengths, and some may be revisited. The stages are: denial (refusing to accept that the loss has happened – this is a useful and natural defence mechanism, but ultimately it is a stage that needs to be moved though for healing to take place), anger (this can be directed at life, God, oneself for not doing better, or the lost person or thing), bargaining (perhaps with God or a boss – “if you give me back this lost thing, I will....”), depression (a great outpouring of sadness which is often a beginning of accepting what has happened), acceptance (when some objectivity about carrying on and moving forward happens – and often a dying person will reach this stage long before those they leave behind).

All of these stages are not easy for any of us, and, to say the least, I have not found it easy to write this blog...but is all an inevitable part of life.

Often one part of the process is very hard and another quite easy. It depends on the individual. For me, the stage I find the least difficult is denial. I am not an avoidant or denying person and prefer to at least start to face and deal with things. One way I have found of expressing my feeling is by writing poetry. You may have other ways – art, an angry outburst, tears, religious faith, walking in nature, or perhaps something less healthy like drinking too much alcohol over a long period. Counselling is also a very good way of moving through the process.

With my father, there was so much that was never done or said that we both intended to work through, though he himself was partly in denial about this right to the end. I was quite frustrated by that as well as greatly upset. The following poem is one of many I wrote after his death, expressing the anger stage more than any other – this is a stage that many find difficult as they may think that their anger is unreasonable - but it is normal and to be expected. Since anger is a strong emotion, it is great fuel for poetry and helped me reach some of the peace I have now.

The End

The end is always hard,
grief crawls an inch then jumps a yard.
There is no thing that can assuage
a falling leaf, a turning page.

Life took your legs, your voice;
our legs, my voice,
and now gives me words
that go nowhere
and that I do not want.

We deal with things in our own way,
this truth is old and new each day...
That life rolls on with no regard.
The end is always hard.

David Seddon 2011

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Ten Ways to More Peace of Mind

Do you ever feel like you need more peace?

In the modern world we find excitement in different forms within our grasp quite easily – it may come with a financial cost at times, but is easily had. The world is set up to serve it to us if we care to find it. These days, peace is a much rarer commodity, and I believe that it is also much more precious.

Often peace starts and follows from what we feel in our hearts and heads and so I’ve put together a few ideas to help you on your way:

1. Live with as Few Expectations as Possible

If you expect others to behave in a certain way and do certain things, you are storing up trouble for yourself. People have their own lives and their own needs. If they do give us their valuable time we should be grateful for it, but not become stuck in the expectation of more. Nor should we expect good fortune from the world. There is much in what Dennis Wholey said about life – “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” Expecting too much of others can lead to disappointment and even bitterness.

2. Be Mindful of Others (but not too much!)

Whilst it is a good thing to put others before yourself and to help them as much as you can, I have discussed that in this blog before.

This time, I want to stress the importance of not interfering too much in other people’s lives. You may think that you know best for others, but do you? Will you really be thanked for trying to make someone do something other than their wishes? Of course, if what they suggest is dangerous or bad for them it could be neglectful, as a good friend, to ignore that – and so, it may be wise to have a quiet word and help them to consider their options. In the end though, they must go their own way and excessive interference is ultimately good for neither of you. Instead, put your own life in order and concentrate on finding you own peace of mind.

3. Forgive and Forget

Do not dwell on any grievance – this could really mess up your peace of mind, especially at night, when sleep loss can make things even worse.
Life is too short to waste time holding a grudge and forgiveness is a powerful thing. None of this means that you should not speak to someone who did you a wrong. It may well be a good and healthy idea to let them know that you were hurt, but then to leave it at that and move on. If you are still thinking of revenge, remember this quote: “While seeking revenge, dig two graves – one for yourself.” (Doug Horton)

4. Do Not Crave For Recognition

We all know narcissistic (hugely self-absorbed) people who love to be praised but seldom say anything appreciative back to us. They seem only to have their own needs when it comes to relationships and don’t consider anyone else’s, preferring only to concentrate on talking about themselves. Unfortunately narcissists are the least likely of people to spot this within themselves! It is not important to gain praise from such people. A word of encouragement from someone you trust and respect is of much more value.
In any case a job well done is its own reward. If you are doing something well, it will be recognised in time and whilst we all like to hear some appreciation, it is best not to crave for it. Peace of mind will follow if our work and dealings are their own reward.

5. Avoid Jealousy

To follow on from this, try to avoid the green eyed-monster! Life is not fair. Sometimes people less hard working or deserving than you will get ahead of you. Nothing will be gained by blaming others for this misfortune and jealousy will not get you anywhere – but it may play havoc with your peace of mind.
If you are a jealous type then this can often manifest itself in different forms of anger such as sourness or sarcasm. Working with a counsellor can be very useful in helping to unravel this.

6. Be Grateful for Your Joys

At the end of your life you will not wish that you had worked more but you may well wish that you had had more joyous experiences. Joy cannot be chased, but it is likely to find us if we feel connected with other people, or if we receive and give love. Whenever I feel joy I try to be mindful that I am experiencing it. This came about because I used to be in the habit of realising how much of a wonderful time I was having after the event. I have come to feel even greater joy now that I have trained myself to be in the moment as it happens. No joys are permanent. If you experience any, be with them and appreciate them. Be grateful for them after they pass and be ready to accept them next time they come along. Never be afraid to accept them because you fear they will pass!

7. Bear Troubles Graciously

People who complain about every setback tend not to be pleasant to be around. Life is full of suffering - numerous inconveniences, illnesses, problems and upsets, most of which we cannot hope to have any control over. We can try to change the problems which are solvable, but those we cannot are better borne with patience. It can be helpful to remember what the German writer Goethe said: “Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.” Believe in yourself and you will gain in terms of patience, inner strength and will power.

8. Do Not Attempt Too Much

What are you trying to prove? Will your life be better if you take on yet another task whether it be for more money or prestige, better skills or a more successful social life? Is it not better to rest or to spend some time being instead of doing? Clint Eastwood said, “a man’s gotta know his limitations.” This is good advice. Peace of mind is more likely to be achieved by going for a walk, meditating, pursuing a hobby or simply listening to the sounds of nature than it is by adding another thing to your hectic work or social calendar. Remove cluttered time as well as cluttered things from your life! Do not be an adrenaline junkie - if you are worn out, seek more peace rather than more excitement.

9. Achieve as much Balance as You Can

Certainly not getting number 8 right can lead to a lack of balance. Listening to your body is often the best way of achieving a rebalancing. Often it will tell you what you need more of – food, sleep, excitement, love, exercise, rest, peace...whatever it is. We can easily get out of balance if we do too much of one or two activities at the expense of others that we know are good for us. Sometimes that imbalance can be caused by excessive drivenness, sometimes by fear (of failure for instance) and sometimes by selfishness.

Balance is helped by practising something spiritual on a regular basis.
This needn’t be overtly religious, though it can be – prayer or services for instance. By spirituality I simply mean feeling yourself connected to things and a part of the whole. This is important as it is peaceful to feel connected and not isolated. Meditation is another good way of relaxing and calms the mind down a great deal. This can be simple breathing exercises.

10. Do Not Regret

You cannot change the past, but you can change the present and the future. To live your life in the past, especially if that is in sadness is to waste the precious present. I think Sydney Smith was very wise when he said, “Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” If we have done something truly awful (on the level of murder for instance) then regrets are a different matter, but genuine remorse and attempts to put things right may eventually heal all wounds. However, if we always wanted to do something and never did it there is no way of healing that pain. The way around this is to plan to do those things which we know we really must (and which are not impossible!). And of course, it is better to try and fail than not try at all.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Are You Looking for More Love on Valentine’s Day? (A Dozen Love Quotes To Inspire You)

Valentine’s Day can be a good day for renewing our interest in our partner or adding a little extra love to the mix.

It’s always a good idea to think about how we can have more love in our lives or at least a deeper love. If you are currently having relationship difficulties, then you might find, like others, that booking a session with me could help you to resolve them. If you are not but would just like some more love anyway, then what follows may be thought provoking for you.

Of all of the things that make life easier, even when it’s really hard, the best is certainly love. Let’s face it, when we are we are giving or receiving love, life does seem to take on a more glowing and happy aspect. Love and happiness are so closely tied, so instead of a dozen red roses, consider these a dozen thoughts ... perhaps not as romantic, but certainly much more useful!

1.You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection. Buddha

We can all start by loving ourselves more. It is well said that if we cannot love ourselves, then we cannot love others. This does not mean being selfish. I am not advocating that you become massively self-absorbed and do things only for your own good. However, unless you accept, respect and love yourself on a deep level, it is hard to offer this to others. Loving yourself more will help you to love others more.

This is often the biggest block to giving and receiving more love. If you do suffer from this then counselling can help a great deal. A good counsellor can work through the reasons for your lack of self-love and help you to correct them. If these are deep it can take time and sometimes be tough going, but the rewards are very much worth it!

2.My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry;
to get my work done and try to love somebody
...and have the courage to accept the
love in return. Maya Angelou

We all want a little more sparkle and happiness in our lives. My experience is that this often comes from the simplest things. It is often more exciting and fulfilling to just sit holding hands and feel connected to someone than it is to go out and do something exciting. Loving someone is not easy, and there will be tears at times, but it is worth it. What Angelou is saying is that love takes effort, time and, above all, courage.

3.To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. - Leo Buscaglia

If there is someone that you’ve got your eye on, then at some point (sooner rather than later), there is likely to be a good moment to let them know. Perhaps they won’t reciprocate, but perhaps they will “take a chance on you” to paraphrase a well-known song. The pain of loving someone and not letting them know, or telling them too late, is far worse than the pain of rejection. And of course, if love does follow for both of you then it can be smiles all around. So go ahead, declare your interest in someone this Valentine’s Day! And if they do say that they have no interest in you romantically, then at least, in time, you can start to move on.

4.Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood. Karen Casey

I have a saying that I often repeat to my clients – “saints are thin on the ground.” We all have faults and most of us have fairly big ones if we’re honest. We should not expect our partners to be perfect. If we go into marriage or other forms of partnership with our eyes open to our spouse’s faults, then that is a good start. Our partner’s faults are part of who they are. Perhaps some of them were even part of the reason that we fell in love with them. Of course, people can change, but they change because they want to and not because we ask them to, and remembering this can save us a lot of heart-ache.

5.Never ask for more love than you are willing to give. Eugene Gourley

On the whole, the more love you give then the more you get back. That is not to say that you should give it for the sake of getting it back, but simply that a very pleasurable by-product of the joy of giving it is that you will likely get more of it back...and if you never do, then maybe your partner is so selfish that they need to be told. On the other hand, if your partner is always doing lovely things for you (and this especially means emotional support rather than gifts) but you rarely find the time to reciprocate then is it time to give them a treat?

6.Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you. Vipin Sharma

It is very easy to hurt or even abuse those we love most. They can be in the firing line if we have a bad day. If you find yourself doing this to your loved one, then (when the time is right) consider apologising for your insensitivity. We all occasionally take those we love for granted, but Valentine’s Day is a good moment to ponder this and try to improve on it.

7. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Robert Frost

Passion can certainly make the world go around. I don’t think most of us need much excuse for a bit of that, and since it’s Valentine’s Day, what are you waiting for! Making love is not just only a wonderful physical feeling but it is one of the best ways of expressing connection, care, intimacy and love. It also releases a lot of endorphins and thus makes us feel better. If you are often tired, don’t let that always stop you, for you will probably find that once you start you don’t want to stop. It is vital, in any case, to find time for intimacy (of any type) with our partner.

Whilst sex is not the most important thing in a loving relationship, it is certainly in the top half dozen for most men and women. If it goes wrong for any length of time it can also end up being a “deal breaker.” Since the vast majority of sexual problems are mental or emotional, and not physical, a counselling session can really help you to overcome this.

8. The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. Victor Hugo

One of the questions I often ask clients who seem unhappy in their relationships is: “can you really be yourself with your partner?” If they say “no,” then that is often the root cause of their dissatisfaction. If we cannot be ourselves then we are not being true to ourselves and thus we cannot give love easily either. If we love another, we must love them despite or perhaps even partly because of their faults (and remember our own as we do so).

9.The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvellous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident. Sir Hugh Walpole

This is the ideal. We all want to find such a soul mate. In reality that may be impossible, but if we can begin to share this sort of spiritual depth with a person then we are certainly onto a very precious thing. At the very least, as the months and years roll by, there can be a very special intimacy and depth in feeling more and more at one with our partners.

10. Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. Rose Franken

Having a lover should be a lot about fun, and some of that means being silly and doing daft things together. In this way we can get in touch with our inner child and feel the joy connected with that. Of course, one of the things that makes someone a good lover is the ability to be playful. Valentine’s Day is a great time to indulge in a bit of that ...I’ll let your imagination run a little wild on that one!

11. In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two. Erich Fromm

Fromm wrote the classic book The Art of Loving, which is a great read. It is important to remember, amongst all these thoughts about love, that however close we want to be to our partner and however much time we spend with them, they are still essentially their own person and we must respect that. If we don’t allow them space and become possessive about them this can end up threatening or even destroying our relationship. It is healthy to respect our needs to have some separate time and interests as well as wanting to do things together.

12. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins

It may be that you are in the wrong relationship and will need to change it at some point, but if not then is there more that you can do to make it better? All of the previous pointers may help as will simply making a decision to make your relationship the most important thing in your life. You may spend more time at work than you do with your partner, but no-one ever dies saying that they wished that they had spent more time at work. Many people do so wishing that they had loved their partner more. Now could be the time to start and if there are issues between you then a counsellor can help with that. I can work with you either as a couple or as an individual to help you resolve some problems.


David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor. You can book a session with him by ringing 01509 556623 or emailing him at David@loughboroughcounselling.com

A Dozen Steps to a Good Start in 2011

Are you planning a new start in 2011?  Are you fed up with the way your life went in 2010?
It’s the easiest thing in the world to make resolutions, but do yours ever stick? 
It is possible to change your life for the better and to feel like you’ve made progress.  You can have a new you, but perhaps not in the way you might first imagine.
A session with a counsellor may help you a great deal with this as many people who see one have had their lives greatly improved by doing so.
I have put together a dozen steps to help you make 2011 more happy and fulfilling.

1.      To change, you have to accept the way you are today. You have to know and accept your limitations. Change can't be your partner’s idea, or your family’s suggestion.   Your motivation has to be behind it.

The famous counsellor Carl Rogers, whose ideas I use in my sessions said, “when I can accept myself just as I am, then I can begin to change.”  Many people have a continuous fight within themselves – for instance whether to eat more of a favourite food or start a diet.  Until they accept that they have found this hard in the past and will in the future, they will hold themselves back.  It is reasonable for each of us to work on ourselves and improve certain things, it is unreasonable for us to expect to change our personalities.  Big lifestyle changes may take years if indeed they are doable or wise at all.

This brings us nicely onto my second point...

2.      Set clear and realistic goals about what you want from 2011.  It’s unwise to decide that you are going to land the perfect job or partner, but it is reasonable to say that you are going to work towards it steadily and allow it to happen.  We all know that setting unrealistic resolutions results in feelings of failure.  Don’t do that this time!

Perhaps the initial goals could be more considered and counselling can help a great deal with that.  Part of a counsellor’s role is to act as either a guide or a facilitator in your struggles through life. Perhaps your perfect job is the one you are in already, or could be with a few small changes. As regards relationships, Tom Robbins said that “we waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”  If your present partner is a good one for you then why not seek to love him or her more?  A good partner will certainly give you the love back.

3.      Don’t try to change too many things at once.  Two or three (realistic) goals are better than ten, as you are more likely to achieve them.

4.      Be positive and have an optimistic outlook.  Dispel negativity from your life.  If there is someone who continually makes you feel bad about yourself cut down or stop the time you spend with them.

Anger needn’t be negative and can be a driving force, but needs to be channelled correctly. Counsellors can show you how to express your anger in such a way that something good comes of it.

5.      Set out to enjoy the year.  If you know that there are aspects of it that will you find hard then accept that, but turn your attention to what is likely to be good.  If you cannot see many good things on the horizon, then build them up slowly one day at a time. Expect and set out to have fun, peace and joy and then you are more likely to have it.

6.      Consider your physical health.  A healthy body will very often lead to a more contented  life.  What is your weak spot physically?  Do you avoid exercise or burn out on too much?  Do you binge eat or drink?  Is your diet unhealthy?  Do you want to quit smoking? 

It will be enough in one year to set one realistic aim about physical health.  Any more than that will likely lead to problems later.  Whatever you decide on as a goal, set about it at a gentle pace.  If you go at it like a bull at a gate, you will almost certainly fail.  In any case with most of the above matters, it may be enough to make improvements rather than 180 degree turns.  For instance if you currently drink 50 units of alcohol a week, attempting to stop completely is going to prove next to impossible, but to gradually reduce it to 20 is doable and very beneficial.

7.      Invest in quality relationships.  If there are people whose company you really enjoy – for whatever reason, then try to spend more time with them in 2011.  Life is short and we should make the most of it.  If someone brings you peace or joy, show appreciation for this and spend more time with them.  Relationships, not work, are the key to happiness, so work at them.  At the end of your life you will remember the golden moments you shared with special people, so aim to have many of them in 2011!

If your present friends aren’t up to much, then consider where you may meet better ones.  Do not expect them to come to you, you have to be proactive.

8.      Find a new challenge.  This might not be a radical departure, it might be doing something we already do slightly differently. It is never good to stay in our comfort zone.  Once we stop wanting to do new things or to do the things we love better then we may as well expect life to start going downhill.  The best option amongst many is not always obvious, but a counsellor can help clarify your thought processes.

9.      Don’t focus entirely on yourself this year, How about making a goal that is for the benefit of others?  It is well known that one of the best ways to improve our own sense of well-being is to help other people.  Especially if you are already well paid, why not consider giving some time or money to help others who could benefit in some way from your help?

10.  Don’t expect the whole year to go perfectly.  There will be setbacks.  That’s life.  Whatever the hardships are don’t focus on them.  Try to keep thankful for the good things that are in your life. The writer Goethe summed this philosophy up well when he said, “enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.”

11.  Plan your finances carefully.  Although money won’t make you happy, having some control over it will help you feel more relaxed about life.  If your finances are already in a mess, then be realistic about how you can start to change this.  If like most of us, they could be better, then ask whether you need to increases your income or cut your outgoings.  It is always vital to put a little money away for emergencies and some away for holidays.  Plan a nice break for yourself and make sure that you have it.  Looking forward to it will give you a sense of purpose in difficult days of the year.

12.  Finally, get started now. Procrastinating will not help as inertia just multiplies. Start in a small way and remember that the journey of a thousand mile starts with a single step.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 01509 556623 or emailing him at David@loughboroughcounselling.com