On the Joys of Slowing Down (and on Philosophy, Nature and Poetry)

Recently I have been very busy. I will spare you the details of how and why, but I have felt rushed off of my feet. Over the last few weeks there has hardly been a time when I could take more than 5 minutes out and I have found myself eating my lunch as quickly as possible or even not taking a proper one at all. We all have periods like this in our lives and that’s fine. I am certainly not going to argue against achieving important targets. It’s only when fast-paced doing becomes an ingrained habit, when we let work and tasks take over, that we start to miss out on life. Socrates counselled against this when he said: “beware the barrenness of a busy life.” He was a pretty busy man and no one could ever have accused him of laziness, but he did take his time to enjoy things or to think them through. He was not the sort to rush and was much more of a human being than a human doing – perhaps that is part of the reason why he is often described as “the wisest man who ever lived.”

Another person whom I greatly admire was the poet Robert Frost. He said, “by working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. “ Again, Frost was no shirker, labouring long and hard on each of his poems till he got them just right - but he understood the value of noticing, of watching things.

And so, a day or two ago, I decided that enough was enough and took an hour and a half out to go for a walk and to sit and read and write. This is something I have been starved of recently, but it is one of my chief joys to walk in nature and just feel at peace. However much I have achieved in these last few weeks, that was my favourite moment and that was the time when I achieved something much more precious than hitting targets and completing tasks – the feeling of being fully alive. I often urge my busy clients to do something similar. I have several who work between 12 and 17 hour days on a regular basis. Unsurprisingly, when I ask them if “they have any joy in their life?” the answer nearly always comes back “no.” And that answer often shocks them or causes an outpouring of tears. They simply stopped considering whether they had any joy. Yet they have had it and they normally know where to find it, and with a little encouragement they normally do just that. And it is amazing how much a little joy can do for us, even if the rest of your life is fraught, stressful or unbearably busy. As Anne Morrow Lindbergh said: “for happiness one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair.” Joy is in the simple things. No amount of money will bring you it, but a walk in the sunshine or the snow can, as can a close relationship or music or a poem. Joy is largely about feeling a deep connection to something that feels uplifting.

I wrote the following poem a few years back, when I can remember a similar feeling of needing some space. It was printed in Poetry in the Waiting Room, and the feedback I got was that quite a few people had written in to say that it inspired them. I have always been good at connecting to joy and I hope this poem will help you to think of how you most connect to it:

I’d Soonest Sit and Seldom Run


If we could live our lives for best
We’d let our sun, a sluggard, rest
And gently turn our lives from speed
And find in nature all we need,
For what’s the point of mighty act
Or counting minutes so exact
When we could measure precious things
Like honeycombs and swallow’s wings?
Such cleverness that man deploys
To keep himself from simple joys:
To choose the life of treadmill rat
I cannot say I follow that.

To laze upon the meadow grass
And let the empty moments pass,
To lie with mayflower by its stream
And idle banks of wind and beam,
To breeze with hoverflies in flight
And gasp at lace-wings with delight,
To roll with beetle to its grub
And whirl with twirling, curling bug:
It’s where I’ll find my happiness
And endless peace and thankfulness,
To choose a life that sings the sun
I’d soonest sit and seldom run.


David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor. You can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com
You can follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid

Spring Clean Your Life

There are many, many ways to Spring Clean Your Life and I don’t want to create a long list. Here are just a few ideas that I hope will inspire you to make more of your own. The main thing is to make a positive change – evolution rather than revolution – let Spring make you feel that you are onto something new. So, here are 6 ideas to get you started:

Clean out Anger. Especially anger with yourself. If you need to say sorry to someone, do it and then move on. Maybe they hurt you, but you’re probably hurting yourself a lot more now by holding on to it. I encourage my clients to go and thump a pillow. Most find it tremendously energising and releasing. Nothing holds back your joy like anger and resentment, so let it go...

Make a Small Dietary Change – is there a particularly unhealthy food or drink that you indulge in too much? Try cutting it out and see what a difference that can make to your life.

Clear your Schedule – Are you one of these people who does too much? It seems that you can join most of the world in that one. How would it feel to create a space in your week that was just for you? It can be just a couple of hours, or it can be an evening. I know it’s not easy, but it can be done and it will give you a spring in your step.

Clean up your Time with Friends - we all have people in our lives who wear us down or expect too much of us. Spend more time with people you can relax, connect and be happy with. Don’t wait for them to contact you. Contact them today and arrange it.

Enjoy Being You. Don’t feel guilty for your pleasures and fun. If you like to go for a walk and are made to feel guilty about it, don’t let it stop you anymore. I am not suggesting that you become selfish overnight, but it would be good to do a bit more of what you fancy in the Spring. You are only alive once and Spring is a reminder of how it’s good to take your joys when you can.

Find a New Hobby (or take up an old one with renewed vigour). Try to make this a change from the normal. If you normally do things to exercise your mind, try your body and vice-versa. If you’ve always wanted to go to Yoga, take up golf, learn the piano or become a salsa goddess, now’s your chance.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred and Existential Counsellor. If you wish to move towards a fresh start or greater happiness in your life, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Ten Steps To Better Sleep

“Sleeplessness is a desert without vegetation or inhabitants.” Jessamyn West

Many of the clients who come to me with a variety of issues also suffer from poor sleep. I therefore nearly always ask new clients how their sleep is in the very first session that we have together. Even if they wish to outline a large range of worrying issues, should their sleep be poor, I ask them if we can spend the last 5 or 10 minutes looking at that. It is good to send them off with something practical that will allow them to go home on a positive note.

I think good sleep is a vital element in our well being. I think it’s right up there with good physical and mental health, supportive relationships and feeling that you have a purpose. How much sleep people need can vary, but poor sleep can undermine anything else we do. Yet, it is surprising how few people think about how much poor sleep affects their mood and ability to cope with life and also how little time they devote to thinking of ways to improve it. It is also amazing how quickly sleep can improve with a little planning. I have yet to have a client who suffered bad sleep who wasn’t helped by some of the following ideas, which is not to say that their sleep is perfect after they come to see me or that I wave some sort of magic wand, but simply that things start to improve as we pay proper attention to improving them. In this respect, sleep is no different from many other issues.

I outline below ten ways in which you could improve your sleep:

1. Consider your Sleep Schedule. Of course, there are special nights when we want and need to stay up and that’s a good, enjoyable thing for all of us. I don’t play party pooper to my clients, but it is important to try to make sleep consistent and to look at natural rhythms. It’s best to try to wake up at the same time and not to lie in bed for too long after you wake. Occasional treats are not a problem - for instance a brief-lie in as you wake up to the radio or cuddling up on a cold morning, but your routine is better if you normally get up within a short time of waking up – certainly less than twenty minutes – much less if you can. If you need to change your sleep pattern then try to do so in small steps of fifteen minutes at a time.

2. Try to Relax before Bed. Any one of these things might do. I suggest that my clients try them in rotation to see what works best - take a long hot bath, have a milky drink, do some slow stretching or breathing exercises, listen to something soothing on the radio (classical music and the shipping forecast are good), have sex (good for stress relief and all sorts of other things aside from sleep), use a few drops of lavender oil on your pillow, meditate. Reading before bed is good as long as it’s not a story that will scare you witless or over-stimulate you - but, it’s best not to read in bed if possible. Have soft lighting rather than glaring or hot lights (like halogens) in your bedroom and nearest bathroom.

3. Pre-Sleep Routines can Help with Problem Sleeping. If you are having trouble sleeping, try deep breathing exercises. Close your eyes and try taking deep, slow breaths, making each breath even deeper than the last. Progressive muscle relaxation is also good. You should start at your toes and tense all the muscles as tightly as you can, then relax them. Gradually, move up from your feet to the top of your head. You could also try visualizing a calm, restful place. Close your eyes and think of somewhere that has a happy or peaceful memory for you.

4. Deal with Worries Before you go to Bed. We all have them, but try to process them a few hours before bed. If you are rowing with your partner, try to sort it out before you get into bed. If you really can’t drop your worries before bed, then don’t go to bed without going through a few of the tips in 3 above.

5. Go to Bed Directly you are Tired. You may get second wind if you stay up, but at what cost for the next day?

6. Avoid Certain Things near Bedtime – strenuous exercise - this will mean you are pumped full of adrenaline, caffeine (best avoided at least four hours before bed), a large alcohol intake (a small amount may help sleep, lots does not), looking at a bright digital clock display (it puts the brain on alert). Don’t fall asleep after dinner – if you feel that’s going to happen then strive to stop it - proper sleep is beckoning in a few hours time, so do something stimulating for ten minutes before relaxing again on the run down to bed.

7. Associate your Bed only with Sleep and Making Love. Do not work in it and try not watch tv there in the evening.

8. Try to Boost your Body’s Production of Melatonin, and keep your brain on a healthy schedule. This is done by having lots of natural light during the day and avoiding too much artificial light in the evening – obviously, most of us do use computer screens and watch tv at night, but it can be overdone, which suppresses melatonin production, especially if you aren’t getting any natural light during the day – working in a harshly lit office, for instance.

9. Think about Comfort and Temperature – have you got a decent mattress or pillows? Does ventilation help you sleep or not? Negotiate with your partner if you have different needs. If you have found one or two comfortable sleeping positions, roll into them just when you are about to doze off.

10. Experiment with Naps during the day – never the evening. Power naps can be wonderful and necessary if they are done at the right time and siestas hurt nobody’s sleep. Edward Lucas said,“There is more refreshment and stimulation in a nap, even of the briefest, than in all the alcohol ever distilled.”

Finally, if you’ve tried everything and still can’t sleep, don’t stay in bed! You won’t sleep and you may annoy or disturb your partner. It is likely that you will also worry about not sleeping and about all of your other worries, too. Life is way too short to waste time! You may as well turn occasional insomnia to something positive. Do something useful or fun that you’d like to have the time to do – nothing dangerous, of course. When I can’t sleep, I surf the internet for ten minutes then read for twenty. It sometimes does the trick. If it doesn’t and I go back to bed and still can’t sleep, I get up again and start the process over. If I don’t get much sleep, at least I got something done. You can also try focussing on your body and its sensations or your breathing - not your mind. You can try thinking about relaxing rather than sleeping. Most people suffer a short period of insomnia at some point, so don’t worry. It will pass soon enough. If it doesn’t, it’s time to see a counsellor or a doctor.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred and Existential Counsellor. If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about sleep, you can book a face to face or skype session with him
by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com