Men and Counselling - Part One - Introduction

“Men find it harder to start counselling than women:” that's a comment counsellors often hear. As a generalisation, it may have some truth, but I don’t like bald generalisations because they tend to strip away at individuality.  I don’t think that it’s helpful to stick labels on people, especially if they are labels generated by an over-view of humanity which places them firmly in a group or set and says “that’s it.  Job done.”  Kierkegaard said that “once you label me, you negate me.”  I think that is profoundly true and yet psychology, psychiatry, medicine and many of the health professions are continually diagnosing and labelling, and I know that, to a point, I have to operate within that system.  How does one solve this dilemma?  As a humanistic counsellor, my answer is to notice it, to be aware of it and to be pragmatic about it - both striving against it and working with it at the same time. There are many men who find it easy to go to counselling and I am seeing increasing numbers of them in my practice.  Nevertheless, I concede that some men do find the notion of counselling hard and so I shall address that issue here.

Though the phenomenon is limited, we shouldn’t be surprised by it.  It’s really quite analogous to men and physical ailments.  There is a stereotypical man who has to be forced to go to the doctor even if he feels at death’s door; who sees signs of possible cancer but doesn’t go to his GP until it’s too late. Many men do NOT do those things, but alas, there are still many that do.  Some men can be just as reluctant to go to counselling – perhaps seeking it or accepting it only when their situation is precarious.  They may see counselling as a last resort, and may first employ a variety of destructive avoidances to deflect from their problems - drugs, over-exercise, sex addiction, alcohol, gambling or workaholism.

Even though times have changed a lot and we live in a much less male-dominated society, cultural and societal conditioning still sends out strong messages about how men should be: “be a real man,” “be one of the lads,” “big boys don’t cry,” “don’t be a whimp!” “are you a man or a mouse?” “what a wuss!” “are you man enough?” etc.  For men, it’s bad enough when these messages come from other men, but when they come from women it can be more difficult and painful.  It can be a great weight for some men to carry.  Some are fine with it and others never become much aware of it, but many find it very limiting.

Perhaps, also, men are behind women in terms of the positive changes they have made since the last war.  Women have both wanted and undergone massive change and have boldly gone from feminism to post-feminism.  They have explored their old and new roles and many of them have started to make some important personal sense on how that all needs to balance out in their own life.  Men, on the other hand, have been more conservative and have not changed as fast as women have. Part of this is down to men themselves and part of this is down to how society has not examined and discussed the changing role of men in quite the same way it has with women.

We’ve all heard about how men are confused about “what women want,” and indeed this is a subject that often comes up in counselling heterosexual men; gay men also have a variety of problems about sexual stereotyping - several of which are the same as the ones I will discuss next time, though some are different. Men are usually acutely aware of what many women’s view of the ideal man is (even if an “ideal man” is as changeable for women as an “ideal woman” is between men) and know how they could be judged if they aren’t one.  Female friends of mine often sympathise with the plight of men - who, despite the fact that they are told that women would like open-hearted, gentle and emotionally expressive men who treat them as an equal in almost every way; also get the message that women want men to lead, take charge, provide, save, protect and be resilient and strong.
  

The good news is that for the great majority of time this is not a problem at all.  We all, male and female, like a bit of repartee and role and it’s good that the sexes are not the same.  Somehow most of us navigate the potential minefield (I first typed “mindfield,” which somehow seems more apt!) happily and enjoyably rather than with trepidation and constant explosion.  Despite the huge changes in society since the last war, most of us understand all of this on an intuitive and subconscious level. And how infinitely duller this life would be if men and women were the same in all of their behaviours!

The issue only arises when there is a problem.  At that point, somehow, the sources of fascination and appreciation can become confusion and conflict – the haziness surrounding the changing roles then starts to look more like a fog.  I expect that, in time, the changing role of each sex will allow more certainty, but for a while at least, we each have to deal with things in our own way.  There is a simple answer to the conundrum and one which I employ in my own life: it’s up to each of us to be authentic and be true to ourselves. It’s also up to each human being to save themselves and sort out their own happiness.  Neither sex should expect saving, on whatever level, from the other no matter how strong your programming is for that.  A man should be the sort of man that he is and if he finds that that does not meet another’s expectations then, whilst there is always room for some manoeuvre in relationships, ultimately that’s too bad. It’s a very confusing balancing act for some men.  As a counsellor I work with them to accept themselves just as they are and encourage them to be themselves.

Most men have within them, to different degrees, both the protecting, strong man and the emotional, gentle man: it’s about accepting that and feeling safe to express it.  Most of us tend to avoid men who are “too male” or women who are “too female” – for good reason. And it is about finding a partner who wants them just as they are and who won’t scorn them if they mess up or don’t act in a stereotypical fashion once in a while.  At bottom we all, male and female alike, wish to be loved without expectation. Women have exactly the same issue with finding a man who will accept them as they are.  Men just have different, and often unexpressed, types of conflict over this issue.   

In the next part of this article, I will look at the main reasons why some men find it hard to go to counselling; and shall reply to each by saying why I think counselling can actual help alleviate rather than hinder the issue behind the reason.

Anger: Some Ways to Think About and Manage it

"Anger is a sign not a solution." R T Potter-Efron

"Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him." Louis L’Amour


"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it." Marcus Aurelius.

Along with relationship issues and loss, I see more people about anger than any other issue. The 2008 Mental Health Organisation study, Boiling Point, suggested that people are getting angrier – close to 1 in 3 of us having a close friend or family member who has trouble controlling their anger; 1 in 4 people were sometimes worried about how angry they felt, and 1 in 5 ended relationships with people as a result of their behaviour when angry.

It’s important to state at the beginning that anger is not necessarily a negative thing. It’s a very human emotion and it has its uses. Jesus was famously angry in the temple when he knocked over the money changers’ tables – a story, amongst other things, meant to show us that there is a time and place for anger. What is important is how you process and deal with your anger. I have had clients whose problem with anger was that they bottled it up and could not express it, and others who were angry but did not realise it until therapy released it – once it did, things began to get healthier and happier. It is not healthy to bottle up anger, to suppress it or to deny that you have it.

Since anger produces the same effects in the body and mind as stress, this means that improperly processed or unhealthy anger can impact badly in different areas of your life – for instance, tiredness, sleep problems, lowered libido, withdrawal, poor levels of tolerance, unhappiness and addictions.

Many people’s anger issues stem from childhood. Some families are uninhibited about expressing anger. Children may see that anger makes things happen. This may not necessarily make them grow up to be angry themselves. It is possible that they will be afraid of anger and repress it within themselves. Alternatively, if a family finds anger totally unacceptable then the children in it will not learn how to process their own anger. If they do get angry, they will be forced to withhold, but the anger will still come out in several forms – sulking, withdrawal, passive-aggressive behaviour, frustration, depression (it is well said that depression is often "anger without enthusiasm.”) If one parent bullies the other, is often angry or contemptuous, then this too will affect their children both at that point and in their future relationships.

A few Key Bullet Points about Anger:

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is caused by and hides a deeper emotion. If your boyfriend or girlfriend puts you down in front of your friends, you may get angry when really what you are feeling is hurt or betrayed. Anger is often caused by deep sadness and, most often of all, it’s caused by fear.

The problem with the above is that anger is a terrible bully that has a way of muscling out all your other feelings. You get angry partly as a defence (maybe not even consciously) to blot out the other more painful emotion – the one that’s really what you’re feeling. Before too long, you’ve forgotten what you’re really feeling. Not surprisingly, counselling is an excellent means of uncovering this deeper pain and processing it in a more healthy way than anger.

You are responsible for your anger. Yes, you and no one else! It’s true that someone may have done something mean or hurtful to you, but how you respond to that is your business, not theirs. And if you must get angry, consider which form of anger you are going to respond with...

The first stage is feeling anger, then thinking anger, then expressing anger and lastly acting anger. The healthiest of these is expressing anger. Acting it (through insults, threats, sulks, resentments, physical attacks etc) is destructive, not realising you feel it when you do is repressive and thinking it but not expressing it can cause you great stress or unhappiness...

A good example of expressing anger from the above scenario would be to say to your boyfriend or girlfriend, “I’m really not happy about what you did in the pub. I do feel angry and need you to hear that - but even more, I feel hurt and slightly betrayed. I wouldn’t do that to you, so please don’t do it to me.” Hopefully they will hear you and respond positively, if not you can take it further - hopefully not to an acting out of anger.

To follow on from this, if you love or care about the person who you feel angry with, make sure that they know that you have a problem with the behaviour and not them. Don’t let your anger about one issue spill out into a character attack upon them...”you’re a no good **** and I don’t know why I put up with a **** like you!”

One good way, possibly the best way in my experience, of dealing with anger is to become aware of it in the moment when you feel it – it’s a light-bulb moment: “Ah, I feel angry. Ok then, I usually do X. I’m not going to because that leads to more trouble. I’m going to do Y.” Even people in the habit of rage and red mist can still use this – it’s about practise. You won’t always get it right, but you can improve a lot.

If you do get it right, and express rather than act anger, reward yourself with a pat on the back and notice the improvement.

Another way is to look at the triggers of your anger and try to avoid them. I had a client who always got annoyed when his uncle started talking about how much he hated his brother. Since the client liked both brothers, he learnt to avoid that conversation or made excuses when it came up.

An investigation and management of your anger will require you to look at the deeper reason for it. Often this can be a need for control of others, events or yourself. It is often existential issues – lack of meaning, loss or isolation or lack of freedom. If we address the deeper issue, we can lower the amount of anger.

Angry people are often self-haters. Ask yourself if you want to be right or happy? Even if your anger is justified, is the issue worth a falling out? It might be, but then again it probably isn’t.

Learn to “strike when the iron’s cold.” If your husband or wife said or did something that you feel angry about, maybe take it up with them when everything’s cooled down. You are more likely to get an apology then.

Resentment is a very corrosive, hidden and unpleasant form of anger. It’s a mixture of jealousy, frustration, bitterness and anger. I call it the “joy killer.” You simply cannot be happy if you have deep seated resentments about someone close to you. Talk it over instead. See if you can reach a compromise on important issues to replace the resentment with mutual respect and appreciation for the good things between you. Ask if the resentment is about what you lack rather than what they have and address that honestly and positively in your own life.

If you’re going to fight, fight fair. No hitting in your loved one's delicate spots! That’s mean, is likely to escalate things and causes deep problems between you later on. I agree that it’s humanly very tempting to do this sometimes, but don’t. Your own experience will show you the sense in this.

In a bad argument, don’t get the “nuclear weapons” out. By this I mean, for instance, don’t threaten divorce or to leave – unless it REALLY has got to that point, of course, in which case you’ll know it long before this particular argument. Nuclear weapons are deeply destructive. Once they’re out, they won’t go back in very easily. They undermine and they play on fear – and nothing stokes anger like fear. Agree this with your partner in a happy moment over a glass of wine...”if we ever have a really bad argument, let’s not use the nuclear option.”

Try to laugh when the anger’s over. We all get angry - even saint-like people. Often it is funny. I’ve had couples who release their anger in a pillow fight – an excellent method which often also reveals the silliness of some situations.

Take time out. Going for a walk when you’re mad is not passive-aggressive or backing down. It’s common sense. You’ll calm down and come back more cool-headed.

If you’ve been the angry person, don’t punish the other a second time because they are hurt by your anger...realise you may have hurt them deeply and that they have a right to be wary or reluctant - respond with patience and kindness, not trying to make them feel guilty about being hurt or suffocating them in fuss. Sometimes forgiveness needs a little space.

Also try not to punish them if they eventually snap and get angry back at you. If they’ve been patient for twenty incidents of your anger, it’s no surprise if they snap on the twenty first. It’s dishonest and deflecting to accuse them of being “the angry one,” at this point.

Anger is energy. Try to channel it positively - exercise, art, sports etc. If it has to be negatively expressed, think about doing this a safer way...shouting or swearing in an empty room, writing a letter you won’t send and may burn later. If your important plan is frustrated, put your energy into improving it or towards a new plan instead of anger.

Anger can be just another form of love. Not always of course, but often we do get angry with those we love most. Recognise this. Often anger can result in a very passionate encounter between lovers, which is a wonderful and exciting way of release.

Learning methods of feeling calm or even serene are a great antidote: meditation, breathing techniques, yoga, music, walking etc are all ways of staying more peaceful – and therefore happier.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor. If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about anger, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com. You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid

Efficiency vs Compassion

"Compassion alone stands apart from the continuous traffic between good and evil proceeding within us." Eric Hoffer

It seems to me that one of the things happening in modern society has been a clash of values. Not so long ago a community spirit was prevalent. Post WW2, we had the introduction of the welfare state, better care for the old, more consideration of workers’ rights, more parents leaving the doors of their houses open when they went out and letting their children play out, teachers and pupils were valued as people as well as for their results, and we even had a celebration of love and peace in the 60s and early 70s (to highlight the change, in the 80s, Madonna singing about being a Material Girl was a more serious message than we first took on board)... the list goes on. What has happened is that society has become more obsessed with efficiency at the expense of people, money at the expense of compassion and materialism at the expense of well-being. Companies have reduced their work-forces in the drive for efficiency. Less people do more work and have to hit bigger targets and get results quicker. You can see it personified in football with its high turnover of managers and ever increasing business-management model, but it is everywhere. Often quality and long-term strategy is sacrificed for quantity and speed, and human relations suffer dreadfully.

What happens to people when they come home from a work environment like that? First, many of them take the stress and business values of work home with them and watch tv shows that reinforce their adopted mindset - “the weakest link,” or talent shows whose undercurrent is to mock the untalented or shows were ex-celebrities can be humiliated by eating insects and being lowered into nests of rats, giant spider and snakes. Worse, they perhaps neurotically expect their families to operate on the same level as they do in their business. Second, levels of expectation have risen so that we expect instant gratification and results from everyone around us and thus our schoolchildren expect and desire to be popstars, footballers or glamour models rather than somebody who adds value to society and fulfilment to their life. Third, with this expectation there has come increased levels of division in society from top to bottom, and greater jealousy and envy, which can be a poisonous cocktail. Fourth, levels of anger have gone through the roof both domestically and in society as a whole, so that even fire-fighters and hospital staff are regularly assaulted. And in this grand narcissism, drivenness and materialism, we have become almost immune to bad behaviour (including our own) and spend less time thinking of the needs of others. It is a sad state of affairs, but one people are so immersed and occupied with that they cease to notice until they break down with depression or stress or sheer exhaustion.

But let us stop and question. Let us get off of the treadmill for a moment and think. What are the benefits of all this “efficiency” and “delivery” really? People are not happier, depression, divorce, anti-social behaviour, job insecurity and lack of meaning (as I highlighted in my last Blog) have all shot up alarmingly. And what have those (both in and out of work) got in return for their massively increased efforts? More clever gadgets to obsess about, more tv channels to watch rubbish on and more cheap alcohol – to dopify them and ease their angst; more choice of items to consume, more instant gratification (if you want it) and a faster pace of life. It has not been worth it.

Amongst others, the Dalai Lama pointed at a different way: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” I think it is possible to be efficient and hard-working enough to maintain a good standard of living in our Western Societies without going so far that we completely blank out compassion and consideration for others. Success and money do not equal well-being. A quick glance at research showing the happiest and least happy countries on earth shows this. To Google it is quite a revelation. Even Western governments themselves seem to have noticed it – even if they generally pay only lip service to it. What else is the “Big Society,” the “Happiness Tsar,” more money for psychotherapy and counselling and funded studies on well-being about if not that? It seems that governments simultaneously both promote and discourage living our lives by a business model. It would be nice to have some clarity from them.

So what is one to do? Well, you probably can’t change the world. Unless you are an incredibly successful artist, politician or scientist or Bill Gates with a pocket full of billions of dollars this cannot be done. What you can do is change yourself and start to influence those around you by that – particularly, and most importantly, your children. Let them see that people are more important than targets and that if we consider people first they will reward you with effort; that if you demonstrate that hard work is not in opposition to kindness but ought to run alongside it, then it pays a happiness dividend.

Perhaps no-one was more successful or famous or could have claimed to have changed the world in the last century more than Albert Einstein, and yet he said this: “seek not to be a man of success but rather a man of value.” Compassion is one of the chief ways you can add value to your life and those of others. And it’s easy to do and you need only start on the little things – respect, appreciation, smiles, giving people more of your time.

How Counselling Can Help and What it Shows

I would say that the modern-mindset stands in stark opposition to what counselling is about. When people come to counselling they find an oasis of calm away from the noise and craziness of what modern society is about. Of course, there are other ways to find this peace – walking in nature, music, art, meditation, sport etc. The problem with most of those is that whilst they will relieve you of stress they won’t necessarily connect you to people and help you reconnect to compassion – though they might up to a point. If my clients are lucky, they have found compassion from a few close friends and from a good partner, but increasingly their friends and partners have become as alienated by the demands of modern life as they have – and what then?

Finding compassion for ourselves can be more challenging and yet without it, we cannot give it to others. As the Buddha said, “you can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” Counselling can be a good way of reconnecting with compassion in your life in general. Clients receive compassion from their counsellor (as well as a variety of other things like understanding) and then usually seem to reconnect with it within themselves and then go on to offer it to others within their compass as a result. It is not surprising and there is no magic: kindness begets kindness and it always has. We are creatures born to yearn for love, kindness, compassion and appreciation. One only has to look at babies to see this and to Romanian orphans to see the result of its omission.

I would urge everyone reading this to think a little about compassion in their life. Do you consider the atmosphere and happiness in you home as more important than a list of chores? Do you give it to yourself, do you get it from close others around you, do you give it to others? How might you stay aware of the pressures of modern life and see that they do no disconnect you from something far more powerful and vital to your humanity than what it can offer?   And if you are still not convinced ask yourself which you are more likely to regret when you are 90 - not having been even more efficient and successful or not having been more compassionate?

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor. If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about compassion, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com. You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid