How Much Joy is there in Your Life?

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.”  Joseph Campbell

Whenever new clients tell me that they are depressed, unhappy or lost in life, I always make it a point to ask them early on in the counselling sessions, “do you have any joy?  And if so when do you have it?”  Most of them answer, “no,” and I feel that this answer has much to say about the problem. 

I think of joy as a bit like a barometer in a person’s life.  I often remark to my clients, “one ounce of joy is worth a ton of pain.”  Joy is explosive stuff.  It smashes though pain, sorrow or despair like nitro-glycerine.  However bad things are, experiencing some moments of joy can be like a fuel that keeps us going and makes life worthwhile.  In this respect, the only other things that I can think of that keep people going through really difficult times are love and meaning.  Both of these are good, but neither seems to spring from nowhere and both take time and are sometimes hard to find.  There is something about joy which can feel like revelation or transcendence.  It adds a bit of what feels like magic and often  it doesn’t seem to have taken much work at all – it just comes – sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes by doing something we can connect to.

First, I want to define what joy is and how it differs from happiness, pleasure and contentment.  Pleasure is always fleeting – whether or not we feel later that it was full or empty.  No one would want a life without any pleasure.  It would be awful and dull indeed; but like eating chocolate or spending money, no amount of it can make you happy.  Happiness can also be fleeting.  Although more sustained than pleasure and deeper for sure, it could be here one hour and gone the next.  One may have a perfect day in the sunshine one day, for instance, and then someone very close may die the next.  That seems to be the way life is at times.  Although contentment isn’t quite so keenly felt as happiness and you may not get quite the same buzz, it is more lasting and deep.  It is a general feeling that life is good and that there is a lot more to enjoy than to suffer in a typical stretch of time.  It is not possible to be content one day and not the next, although ones levels of contentment can go gradually up and down with the events and feelings brought upon by life.  Many philosophers and psychologists have said that it is better, and more realistically sustainable, to be content than to be happy. 

Joy is something different, a bit of an X Factor ingredient, in fact. You’ll certainly know if you’ve had it.  It feels a little bit like a lightning bolt or feeling on the wave of something marvellous.  It may be there in those moments when we feel that life is wonderful and it is good to be alive.  It seems to come from within but also seems to connect with what is outside of us on a profound level.  Richard Wagner commented that, “Joy is not in things; it is in us.” Unlike pleasure which seems to come from something outside of us, joy seems to spring up from inside.

Joy usually lasts anywhere from a few minutes to a whole day and there may be lucky times when it visits frequently.  Many people comment that these feelings arise when they are in nature, perhaps sitting in a field of wild flowers or walking in a wood and listening to the birds.  Most of us find it when we are in love - especially when we make love – the sense of connection can be deep and powerful - sex is normally pleasurable, but when it is joyous it seems to tap into our life-source and can be transcendent.  Some people feel it with moments of sporting success or with the arts – music and dancing are often quoted.  The poet Keats said that, “A thing of beauty is a joy for ever,” and so we can see how the arts and nature would tap into this.  Sometimes being with a friend and finding yourself suddenly at one with them can also bring it.  Spending time playing with children, especially our own can also bring it.  Hobbies can bring moments of it, too, and those who have religious faith will also speak of knowing joy from time to time.  And most of us know that giving can be joyous – much more joyous than receiving. 

These things all have in common a sense of being connected (even if momentarily) to someone or something that seems to make us fully alive and take us beyond ourselves to a wider sense of the specialness of things around us and beyond us.  Moments of joy can be closely connected to our “inner child.”  Children seem to tap into joy more than adults....think of “jumping for joy” and you think of yourself as being childlike or perhaps like a new-born spring lamb discovering his legs for the first time.  What happens to us as adults to deprive us of that?

When one has joy, there is a sense of freedom - of being like a bird; and when one has despair there is a sense of heaviness.  Joy resolves into peace, whereas if you are in despair a sense of stagnation and meaninglessness is sure to follow.  It has been reported (for instance by a Macmillan Cancer survey) that people turn to moments of joy when they recall what was good about their lives. These moments made them feel that their lives were good and that it was great to be alive, and they feel buoyed up by that as death approaches.  Near to their end, few people seem to be consoled much by the gods of pleasure and money.  Of course it is good to have had those, but they won’t ultimately give anyone a sense that life has been good.  

C S Lewis commented, “I sometimes wonder whether all pleasures are not substitutes for joy.”  If he were alive today, I suspect that he’d probably say just how much truer that was now than it was when he wrote it – for the world is getting fuller and fuller of pleasures, and distractions – most of them offering instant gratification and triviality rather than something deeper.  For instance, one wonders how many people who find themselves addicted to Facebook would want or need to be so wrapped up in it if they had moments of joy in their lives.

Given how explosive and enlivening joy can be, one begins to see that, no matter how bad things are in a person’s life, it can blast though it – perhaps not permanently – permanent changes take time – but enough to give a sense that things are going to get better and that the world is not such a bad place after all.  When people are depressed, that is what they need to feel.  They need to feel that life is worthwhile and that there is something in it that can make them feel good.

Counselling can be a perfect place to explore joy in your life.  Do you have any?  What is it and where does it come from?  When are you likely to experience it?  If you don’t have any, why not?  Is there someone who helps you to find it?  Are you somehow sabotaging it or is someone around you trying to do that?  Did you have it in the past or as a child?  Have you stopped doing something that you used to do that brought you it?    Have you started becoming overwhelmed by the cares, responsibilities and jobs of this world rather than allowing a space for joy? 

This is why I always talk about joy to my clients who come saying that they are depressed, have no meaning or feel lost, sad or lonely.  I know from my own life and those of previous clients just how powerful a force joy is and how it shifts things and brings hope. Finding joy or at least creating the conditions were joy might arise can be an important way of moving out of depression. Joy can be a barometer showing how a person’s life is.

David is a fully qualified and BACP Accredited Counsellor.  If you wish to talk about joy in your life, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com.  You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid

When to Use the F Word with Your Partner

The famous (or infamous) Anglo-Saxon swear word is often thought of as one of the most powerful words that anyone can use, but it has a tiny fraction of the force of another word beginning with f.  This other word is one of the true heavyweights of the English language.  If you haven’t already guessed, that word is forgiveness.

Done whole-heartedly, the act of forgiving is one of the most sacred and powerful things that anyone can do for another person (and also for themselves, as we shall see).  The poet Alexander Pope described it like this:

“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” 

Throughout our lives we are likely to be called on to forgive – friendships, work colleagues, lovers, team mates etc.  This is even more likely to be the case with family and partners, as these relationships tend to be deeper and more permanent.  It is impossible to stay in a long-term, important relationship without forgiveness.  We are all human and even the best of us mess up and hurt those we love from time to time.  It’s not the hurt itself, but how you deal with that counts.  

It is often not an easy, simple or minor thing to forgive someone.  Mahatma Gandhi said that, “the weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”  If we are deeply hurt, it can feel almost impossible to forgive the perpetrator of our hurt.  Sometimes the hurt party has every human need and justification to feel the pain of his or hurt first before they can move on.  Feeling the hurt first is often an important part of making the forgiveness deeper and longer lasting.  How odd it would feel if we did something awful to someone and they immediately said, “I forgive you.”  The chances are that we would not feel forgiven, and such quick pardon may not help us shed our feelings of guilt.  Sometimes it takes time to forgive.

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness means the giving up and renunciation of anger, resentment, bitterness and offence, but it doesn't mean condoning hurtful behaviour.  It means that whatever the previous disagreement or wrongdoing, we will no longer seek to punish, give out “justice,” get our own back or demand any sort of restitution such “sack-cloth wearing” from another person.  We pardon them completely and make them free of all debt (whatever its nature).  Forgiveness should be unconditional and willing, BUT there is a proviso, and one that is absolutely vital in a healthy relationship:

The hurt party needs to feel respected and  not abused.  Often in life if there is a yin, there’s a yang – and here the necessary opposite is repentance, remorse and contrition.  Before both parties can move on, the person who caused the hurt needs to be able to recognise that what they have done is wrong and accept that there have been some consequences – such as anger, pain, broken trust.  Patience is also important with deeper hurts - dismissing a partner’s feelings, especially betrayal, by telling them to "get over it," is insensitive and crass and seems to attempt to minimize or justify the wrong.  They need to be able to commit to not repeating the hurtful behaviour and to making amends for it.  Making amends could be something like treating the hurt partner to something special (and recognising that sometimes a bunch of flowers just doesn’t cut it).

Sometimes Enough is Enough

Experience tells us that there are some hurts that we will never be able to forget – especially if it there are serious repeat offenses.  If a partner is continually abusive (whether physically or verbally) or unfaithful then there nearly always comes a time where one says, “enough is enough.”  It’s best still to try to move on – but this may have to be done without the errant partner.  Forgiving a cheating partner can come down to whether we loved the partner before the cheating occurred.  If you already feel like strangers, then an infidelity can be a good reason or excuse to end things.  If you do love them, then (in time) things can be rebuilt; and forgiveness is the key to that.

What about Forgiving and Forgetting?

As human beings, our pride often howls at us to take revenge. Even if we don’t want to say or do anything straight away, we may at least want to keep a “guilt card” in our pockets, to be whipped out later in order to trump another person’s ace: “so what about the time that you did this to me...”  We can probably all admit to having done this at times – and then probably witnessed how it hurt the person who thought they’d been forgiven or degenerated into a long list of offenses from both parties.  Lists of grievances cause a lot of damage and intensify, entrench and deepen any rift - but forgiveness means trying to move on from it.  In short, it’s about valuing the person you love MORE than the wrong they did to you once upon a time. 

Henry Ward Beecher said: “I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive.  Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note – torn in two, and burned up, so that it can never be shown against one.”

That is true.  Once the note has been ripped up, the injury should not reappear as ammunition during every major row.  That doesn’t mean that the hurt party becomes “a mug” and is cornered into a position where they keep getting hurt and keep forgiving.  It also doesn’t mean that we should keep forgiving someone who doesn’t even recognise that they are being hurtful.

If you love someone remember that your relationship with them is your primary concern; not scoring points, counting sins or showing who is right or wrong.

The Benefits of Forgiveness

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.”
Bernard Meltzer

Forgiveness can lead to:

·         more love

·         feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

·         more energy (holding onto grudges is very wearing)

·         healthier and more adult relationships

·         better psychological, spiritual and emotional well-being

·         less hostility, bitterness, anxiety and stress

·         less risk of depression

·         less chance of addiction to drugs or alcohol

·         the release of pressure that might otherwise build towards a poisonous or negative atmosphere

·         greater connection and depth in our relationships

·         the pleasures and sweetness of “making up”

Conclusion

Most of us know people whose lives are dominated or even defined by grudges, hate, bitterness and resentment?  In reality, this poisons them more than the people who these feelings are aimed at.  It’s far better to let it all go and to forgive and move on.  

Corrie ten Boom showed saint-like forgiveness, probably beyond that which most of us could manage.  After WW2, despite initial difficulty, she forgave both the German concentration camp guards that she had previously tried to rescue Jewish prisoners from and been held prisoner by, and the Dutch collaborators who had acted against her; yet she said this: “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”  When we consider her example, perhaps forgiveness for lesser crimes may seem less onerous.

If you are still struggling to forgive someone but would like to, then counselling can be an option.  I have had many clients who have felt that coming to talk to me helped to clarify matters so that forgiveness could be found within a workable and positive framework.

David is a fully qualified and BACP Accredited and registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Loneliness and Isolation

When the Police sang Message in a Bottle they were expressing something universal about people:

“More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair...
I’ll send an SOS to the world.
I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle”

It seems that loneliness is all too prevalent in the modern world.  This morning, I switched on the news only to hear that a recent study has found that the rise of technology and social-networking sites has only made people feel more isolated.  This is because texts have replaced phone calls; emails have replaced letters; Facebook has replaced face to face meetings with people we actually know or have met at least once.  On top of this there is now a rise in people living far away from where they grew up - finding their friends and family scattered to the four winds.  In modern Britain, according to the 2011 census, 30% of people live alone – this is much higher than most countries.  Greece and Italy, for instance, have less than 10%.  In addition, increasing levels of redundancy in Britain are adding to a sense of isolation.  Some recent studies have shown that people who live alone are up to 80% more likely to suffer from depression as those who don’t.  Bereaved and recently divorced people can be particularly at risk as can the elderly in general.   

Loneliness can affect anyone. The hugely successful Australian Olympic swimmer Ian Thorpe wrote not long ago of how his depression was fuelled by a sense of isolation.  He described that “Lost in Translation moment” when you are in a big city, surrounded by people but feel utterly alone and alienated.  He said that there could be moments of utter dread, despair and meaninglessness in this.  

Loneliness has been the subject of more poems, stories and works of art than you can shake a stick at and we have famous pop songs such as The Beatles’ Eleanor Rigby. It can not only cause unhappiness, but can also lead to low self-esteem and confidence issues and depression and anxiety.  It can make you feel that you don’t want to get out of bed, that there is nothing to live for and that you life is going nowhere.  In short, loneliness can feel like a very empty space. 

How to Deal With Loneliness

 “Loneliness is as much a part of life as night and day and thunder, and it can be lived creatively, as any other experience.” Clark Moustakas 

There are several pieces of good news in the bleakness of loneliness, and counselling can help reveal and channel them.

The first good piece of news is that each of us is in the same situation – in one basic sense, we are all alone and always will be.  In a flash of light, we are born screaming into the world, displaced from the comfort of the womb; and when we die no-one can step through that space with us.  Philosophers call this existential isolation – the sense that even those of us who have the best set of close friends and family possible, or the most connected of romantic relationships, can still never quite escape the fact that they are alone in their head and in their body. 

But, if we go back to The Police song I started this article with and you keep listening, you hear this:

Walked out this morning, I don't believe what I saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone at being alone
Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home.

Sting is saying that once you realise that you are “not alone at being alone,” then there is some comfort there.  The situation is universal and completely unavoidable, so there is not much point railing against it.  It is better to dance with life and its problems than to fight or avoid it.  We can do that by acknowledging (in a trusting friendship or relationship) that we do feel alone and sharing that vulnerability.  Shared vulnerability creates intimacy – and intimacy mitigates against isolation. 

A second way that you can address your isolation can be to talk through it and work through the reasons for it in therapy.  It can take a while to get to the stage where you are ready to take enough courage to reach out and start to alleviate your loneliness.  It can be a long job, but it is worth it and for many people the question “which is worse feeling lonely or getting out there and trying to be more social?” has the answer “being lonely.”   Ian Thorpe talks about forcing himself to go out and socialise - 'Fake it till you Make it' – and this is not a bad idea because just about everything, no matter how hard, gets easier with practise.  A good therapist will not, however, try to force their client to be more social.  They will support and guide on the journey towards that. It can take a long time, but most clients just need a patient and skilled helper to be with them on that journey.

A third way is to learn and use the difference between loneliness and solitude.  The philosopher Paul Tillich expressed it like this:

 “Language... has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone."

Another philosopher, Blaise Pascal, famously wrote: "All of man's miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone."

Essentially, the issue in one of connection.  If you feel connected to your inner-self, a passionate hobby or nature then you are far less likely to feel lonely.  Studies have shown, for instance, that walking in nature relieves depression and that writing poetry does, too.  Both connect you to something deep - walking to nature, poetry to your inner-self.


Unfortunately, a very typical modern way of dealing with loneliness is not to explore it (and turn it into solitude), but rather to be busy with all manner of distractions and activities.  It is common now to see people surrounding themselves with ipods, televisions and mobile phones.  A grand cacophony is created by this great need and desire to be plugged in -  but within this people are actually unplugging from themselves.  Many people find a great number of distractions to avoid their loneliness.  Some of these can be healthy up to a point– reading and sport for instance; whilst comfort-eating, smoking and heavy drinking are more damaging.  But all distractions form a temporary crutch from loneliness. They do not remove it.  

My experience with friends and clients is that the more they try to hide from loneliness, the more it comes up and bites them.  A good counsellor will suggest a different route – one of exploring and embracing the pain, of discussing its roots and patterns.  This can result in many tears, but in time, it also liberates the sufferer and enables him or her to start working with being alone as solitude instead of loneliness.  This is one reason, for instance, why many people choose to go on retreats – far away from the isolating distractions of modern life.  I have heard many people say that they “found themselves” in some wild and peaceful place. There is no trick or magic to this even though we may be inclined to think that there is. If you think about it, in a quiet place you are dropping your connections to shallow distraction and instead finding deep connections to nature and yourself.  Of course, it can help if you choose somewhere beautiful like Snowdonia or Iona.
Solitude can be deeply nourishing and a space for you to listen to your heart and soul and recharge and re-examine.  It is so sad that so many today run in fear from it. As well as having its own benefits, there is another positive outcome in that finding a deeper connection to yourself is likely to put you in a much better position to connect on a deeper level with others later on.

A fourth way is to engage with something or somebody that you love.  Love and passion are great removers of isolation.  To have someone who is like a soul-mate whether as a friend or partner can be a tremendous joy. However for those alone, having someone in your life like that is not vital.  You can engage in a deep and fulfilling way with a hobby or another passion.  Many of the great artists, writers, scientists and philosophers lived a more isolated life than most people but didn’t feel the suffering so acutely precisely because they had something that they were deeply engaged with – something they loved.  Engagement like this has to be on a deep level – as explained above, it is no use engaging with shallow things as that merely increases loneliness in the end.  

I often ask lonely or depressed clients which hobbies they have dropped over the years or which they have always wanted to do but never got around to; and then encourage them to re-engage with these.

Summing Up

Erich Fromm was well aware of the issue of loneliness and how it connects to depression and meaninglessness – he wrote “Modern man is alienated from himself, from his fellow men and from nature.”

It needn’t be like that.  You can change it and going to counselling as a first step can set you well on your way to doing so.

 

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.  If you wish to book a session to talk about loneliness, you can book a face to face, telephone, email or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com.  You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/SeddonDavid