When the Kissing Stops - the Danger Signs in Relationships and How Counselling Helps

Most people wish to be in a relationship in which they feel safe, loved, valued, appreciated, needed and free to be themselves.  In an ideal world, we’d like our partners to respond to us in the right way at most times and in most situations. However, none of us are perfect and this isn’t always easy and sometimes relationships can come under great strain. 

If you are in a relationship that is suffering because one or both of you are constantly very angry, then there is probably quite a lot of work to be done if the relationship is to thrive again.  The word “constantly” is the key here.  Anger is normal in relationships.   In fact, anger is another form of passion.  A big argument can bring lovers closer together as they realise just how much they really love each other - and making up can be very sweet and result in red hot passion that nobody wants to miss.  Anger is a form of energy and as long as it is expressed reasonably and sensitively then it can be a positive force for change in a relationship.  But there is a difference between acting anger (which is bad and may include threats, blaming and contemptuous comments) and expressing anger (which is fine and is simply saying that something has irritated you and commenting on how you feel about that without blaming).  I have discussed the nature of anger and how to deal with it in a previous Blog here: http://davidseddon.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/anger-some-ways-to-think-about-and.html

And I have also written about Verbally Abusive relationships here:  http://davidseddon.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/what-is-verbally-abusive-relationship.html

If anger becomes internalised, repressed or trapped then it can turn into resentment and bitterness which is an altogether more corrosive thing.  Resentment can turn to contempt, which is just about the most toxic thing that can happen to love.  Anger also tends to snowball and people who have a variety of things to be angry about often unleash the whole lot at their partner, especially when tiredness is present.  When one partner is overly tired and resentful about something there could be fireworks, but when both are tired and frustrated it can become nasty very quickly. 

Some Relationship Danger Signs

The kissing stops
Constant criticism and sniping (by either or both of you)
Anger about specific incidents turning into a general character assassination
Avoiding doing things together  (even something as simple as watching tv together)
Treating the other with contempt
Emotional and physical withdrawal from the relationship
A lack of intimacy (either physical or emotional)
Being irritated by things that once seemed minor
Lack of conversation except about trivial things like which tv channel to watch
Not listening to your partner and either shouting or walking off before they get their message across

Kissing is a particularly good indicator.  If you have no desire to kiss your partner it is likely to mean that your relationship is either in trouble or is soon going to be heading that way.  Couples who kiss even after a very bad argument are effectively saying, “although I really don’t like what happened just then, I do love you anyway, and things can be worked out.”  Not kissing becomes a habit that is harder and harder to break.  At the start a long-term relationship some partners make an agreement to always kiss before bed even if they are very angry with each other – perhaps to the extent of rage.  That can be hard in the heat of the moment, so a quick peck is sufficient while you calm down.  It does diffuse things just a little and the words of wisdom from older people about, “not going to bed on an argument,” is one of the soundest pieces of advice you’ll ever hear about relationships.  If you are worked up and can’t agree until morning then at least the pre-agreement for a quick peck says something positive about your overall relationship and settles a little tension.

In a problematic relationship, it is often much harder to kiss your partner with any real affection than it is to have sex with them.  There are two sides to sex – the physical drive and need that each of us has;  and the intimate, affectionate, connecting side that expresses love.   In healthy relationships both are happily and satisfyingly expressed.  If there is bad feeling around, our bodies and brains can still crave or want sex and they can  lead us into thinking it’s ok to have it (because we can tune into the driven side whilst ignoring the feeling that affection is difficult), but they won’t allow us the same license with kissing.  It’s possible that sex can provide a release from the tension of anger (after all anger and sex are both strong passions and energies) and also some physical release and satisfaction for both partners even if they have come to dislike each other; but for kissing to work properly there has to be more than just a raw physical connection.   For this reason, kissing often disappears before sex in troubled relationships.

Intimacy and Communication

For Intimacy to happen, you need vulnerability.  One of the things that start to happen in a troubled relationship is that vulnerabilities are discouraged and sidelined.   If you suspect that your partner is going to be harsh on you if you show a weakness or sore spot, then that is very undermining for the relationship.  In better times they might have felt inclined to be supportive of you but now you may feel that you’d rather hide or bottle up your vulnerability as to reveal it is to invite a negative judgement.  Loving partners appreciate that you can’t always be strong and that even the best of us has times when we need a little help with something.  Showing and allowing that creates a nurturing and cherishing bond between you.   Of course, the wider implications of hiding vulnerability are dangerous – when you stop sharing your human problems it is not long before intimacy shrinks away.   It can also lead to a vicious circle, as your partner feels angry that you have withdrawn and in turn their anger encourages you to stay away and withdraw even further.  Entrenched positions can come very quickly, when with a little vulnerability or thoughtfulness, they might have been lovingly dealt with.

Communication problems abound in troubled relationships.  You might not only stop spending time with one another, but also develop crossed-wires – when the partners are trying to communicate but the message is not being accurately picked up by the other.  Gary Chapman wrote about this in his book The Five Languages of Love.  The Five Languages or ways in which lovers show each other how much they love one another are touch, words, gifts, quality time and acts of service.   It can be interesting to ask your partner to rank them in order of importance.  You may agree about some of them and not others, but being aware how your partner likes to give and receive love can be enlightening.  If one person likes to express their love by doing things (acts of service) for their partner - e.g. washing their car or baking them a cake - and the other wants and needs words (but doesn’t get them), then there could be issues.  Both partners may feel unloved when they are both trying to communicate love in the way they find easiest.  Situations like this might be easily solved with discussion, a little awareness, or via counselling. 

Couple Counselling

Unfortunately, most couples with relationship problems take a long time to turn to therapy.  It’s a good idea think of a relationship as being a bit like a different kind of ship - one that sails on the sea.  Sometimes it needs maintenance and an investment of time, and if it gets a hole or two in it, then it can be repaired if both partners decide to put some effort in.  But, the more and bigger the holes are allowed to get before repair, the more likely the ship is to sink in a storm or even a swell.  If a real ship gets damaged, its owners bring it into dry-dock for essential repairs before the damage starts to rot it away– we should do the same with our relationships.

Counselling is the ideal method for sorting out difficulties.  I am always surprised and pleased how often couples tell me, at the end of sessions, that they have just discussed issues that they would have avoided or never have got around to on their own.  The careful facilitation, rule-setting and guiding hand of the counsellor easily allows an exploration of otherwise difficult areas.  Occasionally, harsh words and difficult things are said, but this can clear the air so that things can start to get better.  It is much healthier to have honest expressions of anger or frustration rather than to repress them.  Sometimes things are brought up that were previously only vaguely in awareness for either partner.  Talking when a neutral and supportive person is present can open up a lot of issues and feelings and bring about several breakthrough moments.

A couples’ counsellor can help you to improve your methods of communication.  They can help you to remember why you fell in love in the first place, how to rediscover your sense of play and fun, and identify and start to change negative patterns of behaviour between you.  In counselling, you can change and build a healthier and happier relationship.  

 

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor. If you would like some help with your relationship, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com. You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/SeddonDavid

Working with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – How to Stop the Clocks Going Back from Controlling your Mood.

Studies in the UK show that up to 25% of people are affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), with about a quarter of that group suffering it badly.  The problem is worst in the Autumn and Winter months, especially after the clocks go back.  2012 has been a very rainy and overcast year so the problem will probably be worse than normal.  

As society has moved away from jobs that are outside in the sunlight the incidence of SAD has risen.  The problem is caused by a serotonin deficiency due to there being less light entering the eye.  Although people who suffer it can feel things getting marginally worse, it can often just hit them all of a sudden. It can feel a bit like Summer one day and Winter the next.  SAD can badly hamper a sufferer’s ability to cope on a day to day basis. It causes a variety of problems such as depression, eating and sleep problems, anxiety, poor concentration, low libido, a weakened immune system, mood swings, social difficulty, tiredness and a variety of behavioural and physical problems.  If you tend to suffer from mood swings or lowness anyway, then SAD is only going to make things worse.

There is a positive side to this - there are ways that you can help to overcome SAD, otherwise known as “The Winter Blues.”

1.      Finding Time with Loved Ones and Pets

If you have people in your life that make you feel happy, bring you some joy, relax you or make you laugh, then you should try to spend more time with them when you are suffering from SAD.  Pets are also great for making us feel better at any time but particularly when we feel bluesy. 

2.      Listen to Uplifting Music

Cheerful music can really raise your mood and make you more open to life.  Singing along to jangly pop songs in the car or to songs that you associate with happy moments in your life can have a marvellous mood enhancing affect.  For some people, classical music can be very de-stressing – even if they would not normally choose it.

3.      Go to a Counsellor

Talking about your issues with an experienced counsellor can be a tremendous release and they will be able to help you look at and find options for dealing with it.  I use many different strategies for helping people deal with depression and low mood.  It is also likely that there are other issues behind the SAD, and that these make the emotional lowness worse.  I can help you to explore that and support you in working through it.

4.      Get Better Sleep

It is not surprising that poor sleep can affect us badly.  I have written a previous article about ways to help with better sleep and can certainly work with you on this.  If you manage to sleep better you will find that the symptoms of SAD are reduced.

5.      Light Therapy

Lack of light is said to be the basic cause of the problem, so experts have suggested that additional light is also the cure. You can buy special light boxes which can boost serotonin levels and it may be a good idea to simply spend more time outside.  If it’s raining this may not seem very pleasant, but even poor outdoor light is better than no outdoor light.

6.      Make a Diet Change

Diet can get out of balance very quickly, particularly in the winter months and the festive season, when we might over-indulge a bit more for celebration or comfort.  Sugary, spicy or fatty foods can be very bad whilst raw and wholemeal foods and foods containing lots of vitamins and minerals can be very good.  Some herbal teas are excellent for mood and health – these include chamomile, spearmint and peppermint.

7.      Exercise More and Maintain Your Sex Life

Exercise is a good way of boosting your mood – in the short term, at least - as it releases endorphins and gets your heart pumping.  Dancing is particularly good for mood lifting as it can feel joyous, and swimming helps you to feel spiritually and physically supported.  A walk in nature can connect us to something outside of ourselves.  It is no surprise that regular sex can help you to feel better.  SAD can lower your libido and make you feel very unsexual, but you may be surprised that going ahead and having it anyway will boost your endorphins, release some tension and help you to feel connected to someone, more alive and loved.

8.      Consider Alternative Therapies

Massage, acupuncture and EFT (tapping) can be good for helping with a brighter mood.  Some aromatherapy oils such as Bergamot and Neroli can create an uplifting atmosphere whether you burn them or put a few drops in the bath. 

If you are suffering from SAD this Autumn and Winter, don’t wait until it gets really bad.  Try one of the above options to help you through it.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.  If you wish to book a session to help you with SAD or another issue in your life, you can book a face to face, telephone, email or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com.  You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/SeddonDavid

Managing Grief

We try to tell ourselves that death only happens to other people, other families and other sets of friends, but we know deep down that we are not immune from it.  Alas, death has become the great taboo of modern life.  The Victorians were fascinated by and happy to discuss death but sex was a huge taboo to them.  Today it’s the other way around.  The present avoidance might have something to do with the fact that the media likes to push images of youth and vitality at us and also the decline of organised religion.

Each of us will have to deal with the death of someone we love and it goes without saying that this is a very hard thing to do.  For me, not too long ago, it was my father.   He was dearly loved and his loss came at a bad time – a time when I was looking forward to spending much more time with him after moving house to an area much closer to him.  I still find his loss difficult, but I have managed to adjust to it.

Issues that Face Bereaved People

Coming to terms with grief and allowing time for it is an important though difficult task.  To partly describe and outline the experience of grief, the Dual Process Model was formulated a decade or so ago.  It says that those suffering the loss of a loved one need to engage in two separate tasks: dealing with loss and restoring life.  This means that to deal with grief in the best way, a person needs both to work through the pain of the loss, letting  the emotions be felt; and also to start to move on and rebuild their life.  If only one of the two tasks is attempted, there can be great vulnerability.  So, people who try to bury their grief and move on with life are likely to find that the grief seeps out and that they feel a variety of feelings such as depression and meaninglessness or that they get very angry and worked up about things that would not have disturbed them in the past.  Alternatively, those who do feel and express their pain but find it hard (or avoid) moving on can suffer a variety of equally difficult problems such as being overwhelmed, and may feel that life is unbearable and completely without hope or pleasure.  Negotiating both tasks is hard work and is something that normally requires support.  In grief, our feelings, both conscious and unconscious, naturally tend to drive things and so it’s not easy to have the strength to get through it all.

If family and friends assist with one task but can’t or won’t help with the other, it can be very confusing and painful for the bereaved person.  Working with a counsellor can help with this because they are trained to guide and support people getting through difficult circumstances like grief.  They can also help their clients in looking at the whole picture so that they may come through things as well as is possible.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross talked about the Five Stages of Grief, which are normally experienced by most people who grieve, though never in the same way.  They are – denial, depression, anger, bargaining and acceptance.  I have discussed these in a previous article here: http://davidseddon.blogspot.co.uk/2011/06/coping-with-bereavement.html

The exact circumstances of the loss can strongly affect the grieving – most deaths can create a feeling of unreality and disbelief, but a sudden death such as an accident will often cause even greater numbness and shock.  The age and sex of the bereaved person can make a big difference, too.  Some men may find grieving hard if they feel that they have to adopt a “male” stiff-upper lip or have been taught that “big boys don’t cry.”  In reality that is only likely to make things worse.  Trapped grief is much more problematic than expressed grief.  It tends to come out in more disruptive and life-restricting ways.

It is normal to be angry after a death – angry at yourself for  “not doing better whilst they were alive,” at the universe or God for allowing it, at health professionals for not doing better or at the deceased for going at the wrong time or for leaving important matters unresolved.  The Five Stages of Grief often occur in a different order and some may linger or return several times. No one story of grief is ever the same as another and each of us deals with it in our own way, though a counsellor understands the patterns, which can be a big comfort.

It’s common for people to have issues of control around grief.  For example, a grieving spouse may imagine that they need to maintain a brave face and be strong so as not to upset their children.  The problem is that it is a construction.  Underneath, the bereaved person may well be feeling desolate and vulnerable – and that can lead to feeling overwhelmed and to confusion, frustration, and feelings of powerlessness.  If grief is deliberately held back it can lead to a life of chronic sorrow.

Bereaved people often feel lonely, isolated or unheard and so there can also be social consequences for them.  For instance, a grieving spouse may feel that avenues that were open to them when they were part of a couple are now either closed or uncomfortable.  They may feel incapable of socialising or that people they know do not want to be reminded of their grief.

The death of our parents often creates an extra level of stress, in that we also have to face up to our own mortality.   Death can at least have one positive side effect – in time, it can encourage us to re-evaluate our life and make sure that we have fewer regrets.  When my father died, I became greatly aware of how my own time was hurrying past and how vital it was to fill it with meaning and good things. 

Coming Through Grief

If somebody’s resources to cope are at full stretch it’s a good idea for them to find help, whether that is with an understanding friend, a GP, a support group or a counsellor.  As well as being trained for working with grief, most counsellors will have spent time grieving for someone themselves and will have natural empathy for a bereaved person.

None of us ever completely gets over the loss of a loved one.  It is essential to allow plenty of time and space for grief.  The loss is always carried around with us, no matter how hardy and strong we are and no matter how much we process it.  Even so, although people never forget they do often come to an acceptance and rebuild their lives.  Happiness takes time to come again and it may be a while before there is the feeling that life can flourish - but life shows that this is often what people manage to do, especially if they work through their grief properly.

 

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.  If you need help with a bereavement or some other issue in your life, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com.  You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid