Anxiety and How to Cope With It

Anxiety seems to be everywhere in the West and indeed, in the Handbook of Social Psychology, RR Willoughby described Anxiety as “the most prominent mental characteristic of Occidental Society.”  I think that’s true.  

It’s important first to differentiate between fear and anxiety.  Most of us mix the two up – and they can overlap – one can feel both fear and anxiety for something.  But there is a difference between the two which most of us understand on some subconscious if not conscious level.  Psychologists and philosophers including (unsurprisingly) Freud, have discussed the difference, and it seems to come down to this: anxiety is to do with inner feelings and fear to do with objective outer things.  In battle or faced with a tiger you will probably show fear; when giving a speech or thinking about a driving test or meeting a prospective new girlfriend or boyfriend, you feel anxiety.

Anxiety is more difficult to deal with than fear.  Anxious situations may not be as bad as battle or a rampaging tiger, but with those we get to act instantly.  We can fight, freeze or run, and then it’s all over (hopefully we are still alive!).  With anxiety we have time to dwell, to worry, to concern ourselves with whether we are going to get things right or are good enough.  Anxiety sticks around longer, becomes a pattern of behaviour and tends to eat away at us from the inside, which can feel paralysing and like an attack by the self on the self.

The philosopher Kierkegaard said that “anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”   By this he meant that it’s the flip side of the good things and choices we have - when you have no choice, for instance faced with the tiger, you aren’t anxious.  It’s the things that we do have a choice about but would rather not do, or at least would rather breeze through, that cause us anxiety.  

For all of these reasons, anxiety trends to be more corrosive than fear, and harder to master, since it seems like an attack on the self from within.  Therapies like CBT can be great for conquering fears as a new response can be found to work around the symptom – eg a phobia of spiders - but it’s harder to work at something that affects you more deeply, that seems ingrained within your very self: when the thing you “fear” is yourself and your response, that’s really anxiety, not fear at all.  You need a deeper way of dealing with it and something like CBT just won’t do it.

The silver lining is that both fear and anxiety have their uses.  They are guides to what is going on for us.  If you didn’t feel fear when faced with a tiger or in a battle, the chances are you’d get killed pretty quickly.  Courage is not absence of fear.  As Aristotle said, brave people are afraid, but overcome their fear.  A phobia of spiders or snakes is based on something that may have happened when you were small or on the fact that these creatures can indeed be harmful to us.  We can learn the correct response for dealing with them.

Anxiety tells us that we are uncomfortable with a future situation and that we need to prepare for it.  If you are anxious about something, it’s a sign that it is important for you, either consciously or subconsciously.  We don’t get anxious about things which are trivial to us.  When it comes, a rise in adrenaline can be useful, depending on the extent of it. 

How Can I Deal with Anxiety? 

Dealing with anxiety takes time.  Fears and Phobias can be conquered and we’ve all met or heard of people who’ve achieved that.  Anxiety is much tougher to deal with.  It is part of the human condition - you can reduce it and learnt to live with it, but you almost certainly can’t eliminate it completely.  Once you know that anxiety is universal and that you can’t get rid of it completely, then paradoxically, this is one of the things that helps to lessen it.  

I have a lot of people who visit me about anxiety and I find that they are helped by working through their feelings and responses about what makes them anxious.   Ways can be found to help people cope and work on their anxiety.  The first and possibly most important method is the simplest.  It is amazing how once you start to talk about it, that in itself will help tremendously – the mere sharing and unburdening yourself of it, and finding out that you are not alone.  As Carl Rogers said, “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change.  I believe that I have learnt this from my clients as well as within my own experiences – that we cannot change, we cannot move away from what we are, until we thoroughly accept what we are.”

Although I could mention many ways, I will just quickly list a few other approaches here:

1.       It’s useful to ask “which is worse, not doing the thing I am anxious about or the anxiety itself?” Almost always, not doing the thing is worse, because we tend to get anxious about important things.  This can spur you on to be determined to beat the anxiety.

2.       You are not your anxiety, so you can learn to observe it and to be aware of it and think of it as a thing separate from you, not part of you. 

3.       Similarly, the zen method, allows for the universality and natural nature of anxiety.  Jon Kabat-Zinn highlights this in his book Full Catastrophe Living:

“The best way of looking into them (discomfort, pain, worry) is to welcome them when they come rather than trying to make them go away because we don't like them. By sitting with some discomfort and accepting it as part of our experience in the moment, even if we don't like it, which we don't, we discover that it is actually possible to relax into physical discomfort."

4.       Instead of fighting the anxiety and tensing up, you can learn to accept it and be with it.  If you tense up, your breathing becomes shallow and your body sends emergency signals to your brain and it just gets worse.  If you are already tense with anxiety, fighting it makes you tense about the tension.  Noticing it and saying, “Oh well, I’m anxious again.  So be it,” is better.

5.       You can talk over the things that give you most anxiety with a counsellor.  Often there may be something stuck in your past that is causing the reaction.  By revisiting and feeling the pain of the past situation, you can help to clear it.  A skilled listener will support and guide you through this without turning the agenda (like many friends would) onto themselves.

6.       You can remember that the other side to anxiety is a positive one.  You are more bodily aware than people who suffer less anxiety.  This can have advantages that can lead to a lot of fun!

7.       You can try think of the anxiety as if it were happening to someone else.  What would you advise them to do in this situation?  This calm, logicality can help soothe things down.

8.       Many people find it very productive to work through, in counselling, the approach of Claire Weekes. In her excellent book, Self Help for Your Nerves, she talks about doing four things – Facing, Accepting, Floating, Letting Time Pass.  She had amazing results with this simple method and I find it works very well with many people.

9.       You can learn to let anxiety out via your body.  We do carry a great deal of it around in our bodies as there are many ways of releasing most of it – through breathing exercises, for instance.

10.   Think of your purpose and meaning in life.  Does it require doing the thing that you’re anxious about?  What happens when you are gone from this world and you can’t do it?  The idea of death often puts things in perspective and helps us to act.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  If you wish to talk about anxiety in your life, you can book a session with him, either face to face or via telephone or skype, by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

What is a Verbally Abusive Relationship and How Can You Deal With it?

When most people think of abuse they tend to think of the physical or sexual.  Writers and commentators have rightly given those sorts of abuse a lot of attention, yet verbal abuse is more common.

By verbal abuse, I mean sustained unpleasantness and even bullying over a prolonged period.  Whilst any sort of verbal attack is unwelcome and unpleasant, I am not talking here about one off or rare situations.  Of course, nearly all couples or friends have arguments and sometimes strong words are said. The odd argument is not abuse, even if swear words are used – especially if the person who said the bad things is apologetic afterward and lovingly tries to correct it.  Most typically, an abuser is male and the victim is female, but there are many cases of women verbally abusing men or of same-sex abuse.

How do you know when you are being verbally abused?

Here are some ideas to help you spot it:

1.       You probably have a feeling that your partner of colleague is constantly undermining you. 

2.       You may feel that even small matters are widened out into being character assaults. 

3.       You may feel that you are being disempowered, disrespected or devalued. 

4.       There is almost certainly a denial on the part of the abuser, who will probably say that you are being “over-sensitive” or “misunderstanding the message.”   

5.       Abusers often ascribe motives to your actions which you do not recognise within yourself – for instance calling your wish for a quiet moment in a busy day, “another instance of your laziness,” or calling you a “******* ****” when you drop a plate or stall the car - perhaps making out that you did it deliberately or are always doing it (even if you haven't for years).

6.       If you have a partner who openly laughs at your dreams and values, then that is a form of verbal abuse.

Many abusers know how to be charming and in between moments of abuse, you may feel that things have been changed for the better and be lulled into a false sense of security.  Hardly any abuser is constantly abusive.  It’s how bad it gets, rather than how often it happens that really counts.  

If you are still unsure, perhaps the easiest question to ask is this:  does the insult my partner or colleague just aimed at me reveal that they have a lack of respect, love and value for me, or are we just having a row that we will later both be highly embarrassed about?  Other questions are: is what they said part of a pattern?  

Does it feel general or specific?  Does the other apologise if they have hurt me and try to make it up?

What is Verbal Abuse Really About?

You are entitled to your feelings.  An attempt to undermine them or belittle them is verbal abuse. Just like anger, only the abuser is responsible for his or her abuse.  Verbal abusers are experts at blame, judgement, criticism, manipulation, projecting shame and assigning guilt.  If you have done something wrong or silly, a sensitive adult will address this in an adult way – realising that we all make mistakes.  They will not turn a small event into a character assassination.  However, the plain fact is that most verbal abuse springs from the least excuse or from nowhere at all.  

Verbal abuse is usually about power and control.  Of course, the abuser will deny that, as to admit it is to imply dysfunctionality.  You can try to point that out a few times, but it’s probably useless.  They don’t want to get it as it undermines their whole attempt at control.  Most abusers will refuse to discuss their abuse later – perhaps sticking their fingers in their ears, dismissing your feelings, ridiculing you, shouting over you or issuing further insults.  An abuser is likely to follow Elbert Hubbard’s dictum that, “if you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. “ 

Abusers are generally unhappy people who have empathy and anger problems.  They will project their own issues (often stemming from childhood) onto another partly as a form of denial that it is they who have the problem.  That doesn’t mean that you have to let them get away with their abuse, but if you are stuck in a relationship with one, it does mean that you could think of things with a different slant.

What can I do if I feel that I am being Verbally Abused?

Anyone who has tried to reason with a verbal abuser knows that it is probably useless to try to offer a logical debate with him or her - perhaps pointing out the ABC of why they are wrong and what your true intentions were when they blew up at you over the smallest thing.  They will simply enjoy the fact that they have rattled you and got a response, and they will likely belittle you further.  Deep down they know they are in the wrong but feel that another moment of anger will smash them right through that problem.  It is far better to just calmly say, “stop it!  I won’t have you talk to me like that,” and then, if you can, leave the room.  You are dealing with someone who is behaving like a toddler throwing a tantrum, so actions speak louder than words.  

Of course, if the abuse is bad enough you can also consider leaving the relationship or seek the support of a counsellor (who will have ideas and strategies that you can use as well as being a firm reassurance and support to you).  In a calm moment, you can ask the other to seek counselling for the abuse too.  That may well engender an abusive volley, but if said firmly and often it may start to sink in.   I have worked with several clients who have suffered verbal abuse and have helped them to begin to deal with it more comfortably.

I would also suggest reading Patricia Evans’ book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, as some of the ideas I mention above are drawn from this. 

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  If you wish to talk about abuse in your life, you can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Intimacy and Armour in Relationships

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.”  Madeleine L’Engle

 “The opposite of loneliness, it's not togetherness. It is intimacy.” Richard Bach

I see a lot of people (individuals and couples) who lack any real intimacy in their lives.  It is a cause of great regret to them.  Sometimes they have brought about the problem themselves and so we explore how that has happened and try to untangle it.

Intimacy is one of the key things in any close relationship, especially a romantic one.  It is is a deep and unguarded communication, a sort of deep trust of another and an acceptance that whatever we do, we are safe with them. It involves sharing at a deep level, so that when it comes we have a feeling of negating our loneliness.  

It is important for most of us to have emotional closeness, and quite often we see that people who don’t have it or who shut themselves off from it appear less happy than those who have it.  Of course, that is a generalisation, but basically we are relationship seeking creatures, though this doesn’t have to be romantic.

However much we love our partners, we all like some solitude, “me time” and freedom.  There is such a thing as too much intimacy, when we may feel suffocated or trapped – but crucially, it’s always good to ask ourselves, when that point arrives, whether it feels like a healthy need to express our independence or whether it is based on something more negative - a simple fear of intimacy or commitment, perhaps.  It can be tough to work that out, but if you are not clear on it, many people find that counselling can help them to unravel the matter.  

There are times when to protect yourself is important.  Obviously nature shows us, with armadillos and rhinos, that there is sometimes a need for armour.  Humans have sometimes needed it too – one need only think of tanks in the army or knights with their suits of armour. If one of my clients has a bullying boss, then clearly, there may be moments when self-protection is important.  However, in close personal relationships, the continual wearing of armour can be divisive and even destructive.  As an example, some women may crave a knight in shining armour, but if he keeps it on all of the time, that’s a different matter! 

Armour can take the form of avoidance, denial, dismissing, distracting, transferring or just plain hard-heartedness.  All of these things stem from fear not love.  Armour is a way of protecting yourself from any possible hurt or from losing control or of being less independent.

Some people, especially men think that showing any vulnerability or opening themselves up is a sign of weakness.  Those who read my blog readily will know that I am not keen on stereotypes.  We are all individuals, with a panoply of influences, conditionings and personality traits, and whilst there are patterns of behaviour that any trained person can spot, no-one I’ve ever met fits neatly into a pigeon-hole - I have had almost as many women see me who struggle with allowing intimacy into their life as I have men.  Nonetheless, men are more likely to have suffered social conditioning about being publicly “in control”.  Some men I have counselled were told, at an early age, to show little emotion – “big boys don’t cry.”   Other people, both men and women, may have seen how cold their parents were with each other and modelled their way of being in relationships on that.  People in either of these situations often have some problems with intimacy in later life. In any case, where there is no vulnerability, there can be no proper intimacy.

It needn’t be like this.  No-one can be strong all of the time and to attempt to be so is wearing and inhuman.  It often takes up much more effort to keep the armour on than to let it drop. And no matter how hard it is initially to drop familiar armour, with a supportive and loving partner dropping it always feels like a relief.  Certainly though, those who are used to wearing armour will need to be patient about taking it off and allowing it to stay off for longer and longer periods.  It’s useful sometimes to think of things in another way – that it’s about going out of a well worn comfort zone and taking a risk.  And we all know that many of the best things in life require us to take a risk.  Since modern life makes many demands on us, it takes a strong person to show their vulnerability (at an appropriate moment) and allow them self to be soothed, nurtured or helped.  That is probably especially true of “traditionally minded” men or women who are used to being resilient and publicly in control of everything.  As Criss Jami said, “to share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” 

John Bowlby’s attachment theory can help explain adult behaviours and the balance of intimacy and armour in our relationships. He described how people broadly fit into one of three types of attachment types, according to what happened to them in their childhood.  It can be hard to change patterns but not impossible with a caring and supportive partner, or perhaps with the help of counselling.  As children, we need a safe haven where we know we can return in between our forays into independence.  It is exactly the same in our adult relationships.  Secure attachment means that we can have healthy adult relationships, with compatible people, quite easily – we are likely to require little armour; insecure attachment means that we will seek intimacy but will then feel uncomfortable about it and will probably look for subtle ways of sabotaging it before we are hurt by it – usually the subtler forms of armour (denial, distraction, under valuing a partner by dismissing what they do for us, or indeed what we do for them).  Those with avoidant attachment will typically find a myriad of excuses to avoid intimacy, even though they may crave it deep down – they are experts at the different types of armour.  In relationships, if one person has secure attachment and the other doesn’t, it can work out if both partners are aware of the situation and respect each other’s needs, but it can also leads to frustration for both.

Intimacy requires being yourself and allowing the other to be them self.  It is heightened if you unconditionally accept and love the other and if you are fully aware of it in the moment - when it can feel sublimely joyous. Intimacy requires practise, time and risk.  You cannot form a very deep intimacy with someone quickly, even if the attraction is huge.  Going deep with another and expressing your needs, hopes, and fears can lead to you knowing that there's at least one person in the world who cares deeply about you and who totally understands you. 

Finally, it is important to state that sex and intimacy are not the same thing even though common verbal currency tries to lump them together.  Of course, when they act together the result can be pretty close to euphoric and can be one of those times when we feel truly connected to something beyond our self.  In the romantic relationships, sex is certainly one of the best ways of expressing intimacy with someone you love; but many people can reach an emotional intimacy without sex, just as others have sex and have no real emotional intimacy to go with it.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.  If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about anger, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com.  You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid