What is a Verbally Abusive Relationship and How Can You Deal With it?

When most people think of abuse they tend to think of the physical or sexual.  Writers and commentators have rightly given those sorts of abuse a lot of attention, yet verbal abuse is more common.

By verbal abuse, I mean sustained unpleasantness and even bullying over a prolonged period.  Whilst any sort of verbal attack is unwelcome and unpleasant, I am not talking here about one off or rare situations.  Of course, nearly all couples or friends have arguments and sometimes strong words are said. The odd argument is not abuse, even if swear words are used – especially if the person who said the bad things is apologetic afterward and lovingly tries to correct it.  Most typically, an abuser is male and the victim is female, but there are many cases of women verbally abusing men or of same-sex abuse.

How do you know when you are being verbally abused?

Here are some ideas to help you spot it:

1.       You probably have a feeling that your partner of colleague is constantly undermining you. 

2.       You may feel that even small matters are widened out into being character assaults. 

3.       You may feel that you are being disempowered, disrespected or devalued. 

4.       There is almost certainly a denial on the part of the abuser, who will probably say that you are being “over-sensitive” or “misunderstanding the message.”   

5.       Abusers often ascribe motives to your actions which you do not recognise within yourself – for instance calling your wish for a quiet moment in a busy day, “another instance of your laziness,” or calling you a “******* ****” when you drop a plate or stall the car - perhaps making out that you did it deliberately or are always doing it (even if you haven't for years).

6.       If you have a partner who openly laughs at your dreams and values, then that is a form of verbal abuse.

Many abusers know how to be charming and in between moments of abuse, you may feel that things have been changed for the better and be lulled into a false sense of security.  Hardly any abuser is constantly abusive.  It’s how bad it gets, rather than how often it happens that really counts.  

If you are still unsure, perhaps the easiest question to ask is this:  does the insult my partner or colleague just aimed at me reveal that they have a lack of respect, love and value for me, or are we just having a row that we will later both be highly embarrassed about?  Other questions are: is what they said part of a pattern?  

Does it feel general or specific?  Does the other apologise if they have hurt me and try to make it up?

What is Verbal Abuse Really About?

You are entitled to your feelings.  An attempt to undermine them or belittle them is verbal abuse. Just like anger, only the abuser is responsible for his or her abuse.  Verbal abusers are experts at blame, judgement, criticism, manipulation, projecting shame and assigning guilt.  If you have done something wrong or silly, a sensitive adult will address this in an adult way – realising that we all make mistakes.  They will not turn a small event into a character assassination.  However, the plain fact is that most verbal abuse springs from the least excuse or from nowhere at all.  

Verbal abuse is usually about power and control.  Of course, the abuser will deny that, as to admit it is to imply dysfunctionality.  You can try to point that out a few times, but it’s probably useless.  They don’t want to get it as it undermines their whole attempt at control.  Most abusers will refuse to discuss their abuse later – perhaps sticking their fingers in their ears, dismissing your feelings, ridiculing you, shouting over you or issuing further insults.  An abuser is likely to follow Elbert Hubbard’s dictum that, “if you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. “ 

Abusers are generally unhappy people who have empathy and anger problems.  They will project their own issues (often stemming from childhood) onto another partly as a form of denial that it is they who have the problem.  That doesn’t mean that you have to let them get away with their abuse, but if you are stuck in a relationship with one, it does mean that you could think of things with a different slant.

What can I do if I feel that I am being Verbally Abused?

Anyone who has tried to reason with a verbal abuser knows that it is probably useless to try to offer a logical debate with him or her - perhaps pointing out the ABC of why they are wrong and what your true intentions were when they blew up at you over the smallest thing.  They will simply enjoy the fact that they have rattled you and got a response, and they will likely belittle you further.  Deep down they know they are in the wrong but feel that another moment of anger will smash them right through that problem.  It is far better to just calmly say, “stop it!  I won’t have you talk to me like that,” and then, if you can, leave the room.  You are dealing with someone who is behaving like a toddler throwing a tantrum, so actions speak louder than words.  

Of course, if the abuse is bad enough you can also consider leaving the relationship or seek the support of a counsellor (who will have ideas and strategies that you can use as well as being a firm reassurance and support to you).  In a calm moment, you can ask the other to seek counselling for the abuse too.  That may well engender an abusive volley, but if said firmly and often it may start to sink in.   I have worked with several clients who have suffered verbal abuse and have helped them to begin to deal with it more comfortably.

I would also suggest reading Patricia Evans’ book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, as some of the ideas I mention above are drawn from this. 

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  If you wish to talk about abuse in your life, you can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Intimacy and Armour in Relationships

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.”  Madeleine L’Engle

 “The opposite of loneliness, it's not togetherness. It is intimacy.” Richard Bach

I see a lot of people (individuals and couples) who lack any real intimacy in their lives.  It is a cause of great regret to them.  Sometimes they have brought about the problem themselves and so we explore how that has happened and try to untangle it.

Intimacy is one of the key things in any close relationship, especially a romantic one.  It is is a deep and unguarded communication, a sort of deep trust of another and an acceptance that whatever we do, we are safe with them. It involves sharing at a deep level, so that when it comes we have a feeling of negating our loneliness.  

It is important for most of us to have emotional closeness, and quite often we see that people who don’t have it or who shut themselves off from it appear less happy than those who have it.  Of course, that is a generalisation, but basically we are relationship seeking creatures, though this doesn’t have to be romantic.

However much we love our partners, we all like some solitude, “me time” and freedom.  There is such a thing as too much intimacy, when we may feel suffocated or trapped – but crucially, it’s always good to ask ourselves, when that point arrives, whether it feels like a healthy need to express our independence or whether it is based on something more negative - a simple fear of intimacy or commitment, perhaps.  It can be tough to work that out, but if you are not clear on it, many people find that counselling can help them to unravel the matter.  

There are times when to protect yourself is important.  Obviously nature shows us, with armadillos and rhinos, that there is sometimes a need for armour.  Humans have sometimes needed it too – one need only think of tanks in the army or knights with their suits of armour. If one of my clients has a bullying boss, then clearly, there may be moments when self-protection is important.  However, in close personal relationships, the continual wearing of armour can be divisive and even destructive.  As an example, some women may crave a knight in shining armour, but if he keeps it on all of the time, that’s a different matter! 

Armour can take the form of avoidance, denial, dismissing, distracting, transferring or just plain hard-heartedness.  All of these things stem from fear not love.  Armour is a way of protecting yourself from any possible hurt or from losing control or of being less independent.

Some people, especially men think that showing any vulnerability or opening themselves up is a sign of weakness.  Those who read my blog readily will know that I am not keen on stereotypes.  We are all individuals, with a panoply of influences, conditionings and personality traits, and whilst there are patterns of behaviour that any trained person can spot, no-one I’ve ever met fits neatly into a pigeon-hole - I have had almost as many women see me who struggle with allowing intimacy into their life as I have men.  Nonetheless, men are more likely to have suffered social conditioning about being publicly “in control”.  Some men I have counselled were told, at an early age, to show little emotion – “big boys don’t cry.”   Other people, both men and women, may have seen how cold their parents were with each other and modelled their way of being in relationships on that.  People in either of these situations often have some problems with intimacy in later life. In any case, where there is no vulnerability, there can be no proper intimacy.

It needn’t be like this.  No-one can be strong all of the time and to attempt to be so is wearing and inhuman.  It often takes up much more effort to keep the armour on than to let it drop. And no matter how hard it is initially to drop familiar armour, with a supportive and loving partner dropping it always feels like a relief.  Certainly though, those who are used to wearing armour will need to be patient about taking it off and allowing it to stay off for longer and longer periods.  It’s useful sometimes to think of things in another way – that it’s about going out of a well worn comfort zone and taking a risk.  And we all know that many of the best things in life require us to take a risk.  Since modern life makes many demands on us, it takes a strong person to show their vulnerability (at an appropriate moment) and allow them self to be soothed, nurtured or helped.  That is probably especially true of “traditionally minded” men or women who are used to being resilient and publicly in control of everything.  As Criss Jami said, “to share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” 

John Bowlby’s attachment theory can help explain adult behaviours and the balance of intimacy and armour in our relationships. He described how people broadly fit into one of three types of attachment types, according to what happened to them in their childhood.  It can be hard to change patterns but not impossible with a caring and supportive partner, or perhaps with the help of counselling.  As children, we need a safe haven where we know we can return in between our forays into independence.  It is exactly the same in our adult relationships.  Secure attachment means that we can have healthy adult relationships, with compatible people, quite easily – we are likely to require little armour; insecure attachment means that we will seek intimacy but will then feel uncomfortable about it and will probably look for subtle ways of sabotaging it before we are hurt by it – usually the subtler forms of armour (denial, distraction, under valuing a partner by dismissing what they do for us, or indeed what we do for them).  Those with avoidant attachment will typically find a myriad of excuses to avoid intimacy, even though they may crave it deep down – they are experts at the different types of armour.  In relationships, if one person has secure attachment and the other doesn’t, it can work out if both partners are aware of the situation and respect each other’s needs, but it can also leads to frustration for both.

Intimacy requires being yourself and allowing the other to be them self.  It is heightened if you unconditionally accept and love the other and if you are fully aware of it in the moment - when it can feel sublimely joyous. Intimacy requires practise, time and risk.  You cannot form a very deep intimacy with someone quickly, even if the attraction is huge.  Going deep with another and expressing your needs, hopes, and fears can lead to you knowing that there's at least one person in the world who cares deeply about you and who totally understands you. 

Finally, it is important to state that sex and intimacy are not the same thing even though common verbal currency tries to lump them together.  Of course, when they act together the result can be pretty close to euphoric and can be one of those times when we feel truly connected to something beyond our self.  In the romantic relationships, sex is certainly one of the best ways of expressing intimacy with someone you love; but many people can reach an emotional intimacy without sex, just as others have sex and have no real emotional intimacy to go with it.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.  If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about anger, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com.  You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid

Men and Counselling - Part 2 (Why Some Men are Reluctant to Seek Therapy and Why they Should Anyway)

This is part 2 of my Blog Article about men and counselling.

For part one, please look here: http://davidseddon.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/men-and-counselling-part-one.html

Let us work with the labels and say that surveys show that men are generally more reluctant than women about starting counselling.  There are a variety of reasons for this.  I’ll look at several of the key ones in turn and try to answer each one as I do:

1. Expectations – these may be about what society expects or, often, about what men think women want from them.  Sometimes these expectations have a real basis in the experience of men and sometimes they don’t and are just a manifestation of fear.  Shakespeare described “expectation as the root of all heartache.” To counter-act it, I stress the need for authenticity with all of my clients – male and female.  Living a happy life is largely about being true to yourself and not being limited by expectations - whether from individuals, groups or society as a whole.  Frequently, the most content people we know do not conform to expectations.
2. Some men think of counselling as a ‘female’ activity (a view reinforced because many more counsellors are women than men). All I can do as a counsellor is to be here to balance out that notion. There are male counsellors available and men who do go to counselling differ on whether they wish to see a male or female counsellor.  In addition, there are many eminent male figures - such as Freud, Jung and Rogers - in the history of counselling and psychotherapy.
3. Maintaining Control - some men may feel that going to counselling means that they will lose some sort of control over their lives.  In fact the opposite is the case - they are likely to gain control over some things (and accept more easily those which they have no control over).  As counsellors, we accept that we are dealing here with the element of fear, and that fear is very human but not necessarily rational.   
4.  Problem Solving – many men are natural problem solvers.  If a man's identity is primarily wrapped up in this, then he may ask "why should I go to counselling to fix something I can sort myself?" But the point is that frequently many of them cannot fix the something and in fact are not normally actively trying to do so.  Avoidance, denial and deflection are not fixes in and of themselves and merely make the problem worse over time.  Counsellors are trained to help people look at things in a new way and at their options. We don’t solve problems for any client, men included, but we do help them clarify, explore, look at options and facilitate their process of change.
5. Macho Culture – this says that men should be strong and deal with things on their own. From an early age, men are encouraged to be strong and successful.  A situation like counselling in which people naturally look at areas of life where they could do better may play on notions of “failure” even though the truth is that we are all constantly involved in a process of improving and learning. There is also the notion that men should not show their emotions (“big boys don’t cry”).  Perhaps we need to question the notion of success.  Christopher Morley said, “there is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.” Dying people have testified that this is certainly the bigger part of it. I’d add fulfilment and happiness to that, too. It is not successful to wear a mask and be unhappy all your life no matter how much money you earn or how macho you appear.  Allied to the macho culture, all of us, male and female, are also immersed in the materialism. Sadly many men become aware of these limiting influences only when they are near death and it is too late to put them right.
6. Status – many men place great significance on how they're perceived by others.  Going to counselling can seem like a threat to a man's ego.  There are men who will fight to protect the image they want to project at the cost of anything else – including happiness. Having said that, things are changing for the better - I’ve met men in the pub who, upon learning that I was a counsellor, boasted to me and each other about how many counselling sessions they has been to!  And so they should.  It’s actually a sign of being interested in their emotional well being.  In some countries other than the UK the trend for openness about counselling has moved further forward.
7. Fear of Change - many men tend to be more conservative than women. Since counselling is about making changes and change is an unknown quantity, this can again evoke fear.  The plain fact is though that life is full of uncertainty and change.  Most of this happens without us feeling that we have a choice; but counselling can help us to make the choices that are available and accept matters when there are no choices.

There is an additional problem in that many men who do come to counselling wait to ask for help right up until the situation has become desperate, which means that they struggle on with heavy and exhausting problems they just about keep at bay, perhaps at terrible cost to their health, relationships and happiness.  Alas, this phenomenon means that some may even prefer to fail than to admit that they have a problem, which can end up in broken marriages, addiction, homelessness, or even suicide. I wish I had an easy answer for that, but I think this works on the level of education and information.  The healthy and strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it.  Whether he's got an abscess on his knee or in his soul.  Rona Barrett

A recent BACP survey highlighted that 83% of people would consider going to counselling if they had a problem they couldn’t resolve. I think counselling is becoming more talked about and the taboo is disappearing in the same way it has in the States, but it takes time.  About 50% of my clients are men and most of them are relieved about taking the step to come and are keen and hard-working about moving forward.  I am not judgmental about their problems or indeed anyone’s problems.  I recognise that for all human beings, male and female, life is often very difficult and challenging.  I also recognise that there are particular weights on the shoulders of men and that these weights need dealing with gently and thoughtfully.

 

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.  If you wish to talk about issues in your life you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com.  You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid

Men and Counselling - Part One - Introduction

“Men find it harder to start counselling than women:” that's a comment counsellors often hear. As a generalisation, it may have some truth, but I don’t like bald generalisations because they tend to strip away at individuality.  I don’t think that it’s helpful to stick labels on people, especially if they are labels generated by an over-view of humanity which places them firmly in a group or set and says “that’s it.  Job done.”  Kierkegaard said that “once you label me, you negate me.”  I think that is profoundly true and yet psychology, psychiatry, medicine and many of the health professions are continually diagnosing and labelling, and I know that, to a point, I have to operate within that system.  How does one solve this dilemma?  As a humanistic counsellor, my answer is to notice it, to be aware of it and to be pragmatic about it - both striving against it and working with it at the same time. There are many men who find it easy to go to counselling and I am seeing increasing numbers of them in my practice.  Nevertheless, I concede that some men do find the notion of counselling hard and so I shall address that issue here.

Though the phenomenon is limited, we shouldn’t be surprised by it.  It’s really quite analogous to men and physical ailments.  There is a stereotypical man who has to be forced to go to the doctor even if he feels at death’s door; who sees signs of possible cancer but doesn’t go to his GP until it’s too late. Many men do NOT do those things, but alas, there are still many that do.  Some men can be just as reluctant to go to counselling – perhaps seeking it or accepting it only when their situation is precarious.  They may see counselling as a last resort, and may first employ a variety of destructive avoidances to deflect from their problems - drugs, over-exercise, sex addiction, alcohol, gambling or workaholism.

Even though times have changed a lot and we live in a much less male-dominated society, cultural and societal conditioning still sends out strong messages about how men should be: “be a real man,” “be one of the lads,” “big boys don’t cry,” “don’t be a whimp!” “are you a man or a mouse?” “what a wuss!” “are you man enough?” etc.  For men, it’s bad enough when these messages come from other men, but when they come from women it can be more difficult and painful.  It can be a great weight for some men to carry.  Some are fine with it and others never become much aware of it, but many find it very limiting.

Perhaps, also, men are behind women in terms of the positive changes they have made since the last war.  Women have both wanted and undergone massive change and have boldly gone from feminism to post-feminism.  They have explored their old and new roles and many of them have started to make some important personal sense on how that all needs to balance out in their own life.  Men, on the other hand, have been more conservative and have not changed as fast as women have. Part of this is down to men themselves and part of this is down to how society has not examined and discussed the changing role of men in quite the same way it has with women.

We’ve all heard about how men are confused about “what women want,” and indeed this is a subject that often comes up in counselling heterosexual men; gay men also have a variety of problems about sexual stereotyping - several of which are the same as the ones I will discuss next time, though some are different. Men are usually acutely aware of what many women’s view of the ideal man is (even if an “ideal man” is as changeable for women as an “ideal woman” is between men) and know how they could be judged if they aren’t one.  Female friends of mine often sympathise with the plight of men - who, despite the fact that they are told that women would like open-hearted, gentle and emotionally expressive men who treat them as an equal in almost every way; also get the message that women want men to lead, take charge, provide, save, protect and be resilient and strong.
  

The good news is that for the great majority of time this is not a problem at all.  We all, male and female, like a bit of repartee and role and it’s good that the sexes are not the same.  Somehow most of us navigate the potential minefield (I first typed “mindfield,” which somehow seems more apt!) happily and enjoyably rather than with trepidation and constant explosion.  Despite the huge changes in society since the last war, most of us understand all of this on an intuitive and subconscious level. And how infinitely duller this life would be if men and women were the same in all of their behaviours!

The issue only arises when there is a problem.  At that point, somehow, the sources of fascination and appreciation can become confusion and conflict – the haziness surrounding the changing roles then starts to look more like a fog.  I expect that, in time, the changing role of each sex will allow more certainty, but for a while at least, we each have to deal with things in our own way.  There is a simple answer to the conundrum and one which I employ in my own life: it’s up to each of us to be authentic and be true to ourselves. It’s also up to each human being to save themselves and sort out their own happiness.  Neither sex should expect saving, on whatever level, from the other no matter how strong your programming is for that.  A man should be the sort of man that he is and if he finds that that does not meet another’s expectations then, whilst there is always room for some manoeuvre in relationships, ultimately that’s too bad. It’s a very confusing balancing act for some men.  As a counsellor I work with them to accept themselves just as they are and encourage them to be themselves.

Most men have within them, to different degrees, both the protecting, strong man and the emotional, gentle man: it’s about accepting that and feeling safe to express it.  Most of us tend to avoid men who are “too male” or women who are “too female” – for good reason. And it is about finding a partner who wants them just as they are and who won’t scorn them if they mess up or don’t act in a stereotypical fashion once in a while.  At bottom we all, male and female alike, wish to be loved without expectation. Women have exactly the same issue with finding a man who will accept them as they are.  Men just have different, and often unexpressed, types of conflict over this issue.   

In the next part of this article, I will look at the main reasons why some men find it hard to go to counselling; and shall reply to each by saying why I think counselling can actual help alleviate rather than hinder the issue behind the reason.

Anger: Some Ways to Think About and Manage it

"Anger is a sign not a solution." R T Potter-Efron

"Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him." Louis L’Amour


"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it." Marcus Aurelius.

Along with relationship issues and loss, I see more people about anger than any other issue. The 2008 Mental Health Organisation study, Boiling Point, suggested that people are getting angrier – close to 1 in 3 of us having a close friend or family member who has trouble controlling their anger; 1 in 4 people were sometimes worried about how angry they felt, and 1 in 5 ended relationships with people as a result of their behaviour when angry.

It’s important to state at the beginning that anger is not necessarily a negative thing. It’s a very human emotion and it has its uses. Jesus was famously angry in the temple when he knocked over the money changers’ tables – a story, amongst other things, meant to show us that there is a time and place for anger. What is important is how you process and deal with your anger. I have had clients whose problem with anger was that they bottled it up and could not express it, and others who were angry but did not realise it until therapy released it – once it did, things began to get healthier and happier. It is not healthy to bottle up anger, to suppress it or to deny that you have it.

Since anger produces the same effects in the body and mind as stress, this means that improperly processed or unhealthy anger can impact badly in different areas of your life – for instance, tiredness, sleep problems, lowered libido, withdrawal, poor levels of tolerance, unhappiness and addictions.

Many people’s anger issues stem from childhood. Some families are uninhibited about expressing anger. Children may see that anger makes things happen. This may not necessarily make them grow up to be angry themselves. It is possible that they will be afraid of anger and repress it within themselves. Alternatively, if a family finds anger totally unacceptable then the children in it will not learn how to process their own anger. If they do get angry, they will be forced to withhold, but the anger will still come out in several forms – sulking, withdrawal, passive-aggressive behaviour, frustration, depression (it is well said that depression is often "anger without enthusiasm.”) If one parent bullies the other, is often angry or contemptuous, then this too will affect their children both at that point and in their future relationships.

A few Key Bullet Points about Anger:

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is caused by and hides a deeper emotion. If your boyfriend or girlfriend puts you down in front of your friends, you may get angry when really what you are feeling is hurt or betrayed. Anger is often caused by deep sadness and, most often of all, it’s caused by fear.

The problem with the above is that anger is a terrible bully that has a way of muscling out all your other feelings. You get angry partly as a defence (maybe not even consciously) to blot out the other more painful emotion – the one that’s really what you’re feeling. Before too long, you’ve forgotten what you’re really feeling. Not surprisingly, counselling is an excellent means of uncovering this deeper pain and processing it in a more healthy way than anger.

You are responsible for your anger. Yes, you and no one else! It’s true that someone may have done something mean or hurtful to you, but how you respond to that is your business, not theirs. And if you must get angry, consider which form of anger you are going to respond with...

The first stage is feeling anger, then thinking anger, then expressing anger and lastly acting anger. The healthiest of these is expressing anger. Acting it (through insults, threats, sulks, resentments, physical attacks etc) is destructive, not realising you feel it when you do is repressive and thinking it but not expressing it can cause you great stress or unhappiness...

A good example of expressing anger from the above scenario would be to say to your boyfriend or girlfriend, “I’m really not happy about what you did in the pub. I do feel angry and need you to hear that - but even more, I feel hurt and slightly betrayed. I wouldn’t do that to you, so please don’t do it to me.” Hopefully they will hear you and respond positively, if not you can take it further - hopefully not to an acting out of anger.

To follow on from this, if you love or care about the person who you feel angry with, make sure that they know that you have a problem with the behaviour and not them. Don’t let your anger about one issue spill out into a character attack upon them...”you’re a no good **** and I don’t know why I put up with a **** like you!”

One good way, possibly the best way in my experience, of dealing with anger is to become aware of it in the moment when you feel it – it’s a light-bulb moment: “Ah, I feel angry. Ok then, I usually do X. I’m not going to because that leads to more trouble. I’m going to do Y.” Even people in the habit of rage and red mist can still use this – it’s about practise. You won’t always get it right, but you can improve a lot.

If you do get it right, and express rather than act anger, reward yourself with a pat on the back and notice the improvement.

Another way is to look at the triggers of your anger and try to avoid them. I had a client who always got annoyed when his uncle started talking about how much he hated his brother. Since the client liked both brothers, he learnt to avoid that conversation or made excuses when it came up.

An investigation and management of your anger will require you to look at the deeper reason for it. Often this can be a need for control of others, events or yourself. It is often existential issues – lack of meaning, loss or isolation or lack of freedom. If we address the deeper issue, we can lower the amount of anger.

Angry people are often self-haters. Ask yourself if you want to be right or happy? Even if your anger is justified, is the issue worth a falling out? It might be, but then again it probably isn’t.

Learn to “strike when the iron’s cold.” If your husband or wife said or did something that you feel angry about, maybe take it up with them when everything’s cooled down. You are more likely to get an apology then.

Resentment is a very corrosive, hidden and unpleasant form of anger. It’s a mixture of jealousy, frustration, bitterness and anger. I call it the “joy killer.” You simply cannot be happy if you have deep seated resentments about someone close to you. Talk it over instead. See if you can reach a compromise on important issues to replace the resentment with mutual respect and appreciation for the good things between you. Ask if the resentment is about what you lack rather than what they have and address that honestly and positively in your own life.

If you’re going to fight, fight fair. No hitting in your loved one's delicate spots! That’s mean, is likely to escalate things and causes deep problems between you later on. I agree that it’s humanly very tempting to do this sometimes, but don’t. Your own experience will show you the sense in this.

In a bad argument, don’t get the “nuclear weapons” out. By this I mean, for instance, don’t threaten divorce or to leave – unless it REALLY has got to that point, of course, in which case you’ll know it long before this particular argument. Nuclear weapons are deeply destructive. Once they’re out, they won’t go back in very easily. They undermine and they play on fear – and nothing stokes anger like fear. Agree this with your partner in a happy moment over a glass of wine...”if we ever have a really bad argument, let’s not use the nuclear option.”

Try to laugh when the anger’s over. We all get angry - even saint-like people. Often it is funny. I’ve had couples who release their anger in a pillow fight – an excellent method which often also reveals the silliness of some situations.

Take time out. Going for a walk when you’re mad is not passive-aggressive or backing down. It’s common sense. You’ll calm down and come back more cool-headed.

If you’ve been the angry person, don’t punish the other a second time because they are hurt by your anger...realise you may have hurt them deeply and that they have a right to be wary or reluctant - respond with patience and kindness, not trying to make them feel guilty about being hurt or suffocating them in fuss. Sometimes forgiveness needs a little space.

Also try not to punish them if they eventually snap and get angry back at you. If they’ve been patient for twenty incidents of your anger, it’s no surprise if they snap on the twenty first. It’s dishonest and deflecting to accuse them of being “the angry one,” at this point.

Anger is energy. Try to channel it positively - exercise, art, sports etc. If it has to be negatively expressed, think about doing this a safer way...shouting or swearing in an empty room, writing a letter you won’t send and may burn later. If your important plan is frustrated, put your energy into improving it or towards a new plan instead of anger.

Anger can be just another form of love. Not always of course, but often we do get angry with those we love most. Recognise this. Often anger can result in a very passionate encounter between lovers, which is a wonderful and exciting way of release.

Learning methods of feeling calm or even serene are a great antidote: meditation, breathing techniques, yoga, music, walking etc are all ways of staying more peaceful – and therefore happier.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor. If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about anger, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com. You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid

Efficiency vs Compassion

"Compassion alone stands apart from the continuous traffic between good and evil proceeding within us." Eric Hoffer

It seems to me that one of the things happening in modern society has been a clash of values. Not so long ago a community spirit was prevalent. Post WW2, we had the introduction of the welfare state, better care for the old, more consideration of workers’ rights, more parents leaving the doors of their houses open when they went out and letting their children play out, teachers and pupils were valued as people as well as for their results, and we even had a celebration of love and peace in the 60s and early 70s (to highlight the change, in the 80s, Madonna singing about being a Material Girl was a more serious message than we first took on board)... the list goes on. What has happened is that society has become more obsessed with efficiency at the expense of people, money at the expense of compassion and materialism at the expense of well-being. Companies have reduced their work-forces in the drive for efficiency. Less people do more work and have to hit bigger targets and get results quicker. You can see it personified in football with its high turnover of managers and ever increasing business-management model, but it is everywhere. Often quality and long-term strategy is sacrificed for quantity and speed, and human relations suffer dreadfully.

What happens to people when they come home from a work environment like that? First, many of them take the stress and business values of work home with them and watch tv shows that reinforce their adopted mindset - “the weakest link,” or talent shows whose undercurrent is to mock the untalented or shows were ex-celebrities can be humiliated by eating insects and being lowered into nests of rats, giant spider and snakes. Worse, they perhaps neurotically expect their families to operate on the same level as they do in their business. Second, levels of expectation have risen so that we expect instant gratification and results from everyone around us and thus our schoolchildren expect and desire to be popstars, footballers or glamour models rather than somebody who adds value to society and fulfilment to their life. Third, with this expectation there has come increased levels of division in society from top to bottom, and greater jealousy and envy, which can be a poisonous cocktail. Fourth, levels of anger have gone through the roof both domestically and in society as a whole, so that even fire-fighters and hospital staff are regularly assaulted. And in this grand narcissism, drivenness and materialism, we have become almost immune to bad behaviour (including our own) and spend less time thinking of the needs of others. It is a sad state of affairs, but one people are so immersed and occupied with that they cease to notice until they break down with depression or stress or sheer exhaustion.

But let us stop and question. Let us get off of the treadmill for a moment and think. What are the benefits of all this “efficiency” and “delivery” really? People are not happier, depression, divorce, anti-social behaviour, job insecurity and lack of meaning (as I highlighted in my last Blog) have all shot up alarmingly. And what have those (both in and out of work) got in return for their massively increased efforts? More clever gadgets to obsess about, more tv channels to watch rubbish on and more cheap alcohol – to dopify them and ease their angst; more choice of items to consume, more instant gratification (if you want it) and a faster pace of life. It has not been worth it.

Amongst others, the Dalai Lama pointed at a different way: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” I think it is possible to be efficient and hard-working enough to maintain a good standard of living in our Western Societies without going so far that we completely blank out compassion and consideration for others. Success and money do not equal well-being. A quick glance at research showing the happiest and least happy countries on earth shows this. To Google it is quite a revelation. Even Western governments themselves seem to have noticed it – even if they generally pay only lip service to it. What else is the “Big Society,” the “Happiness Tsar,” more money for psychotherapy and counselling and funded studies on well-being about if not that? It seems that governments simultaneously both promote and discourage living our lives by a business model. It would be nice to have some clarity from them.

So what is one to do? Well, you probably can’t change the world. Unless you are an incredibly successful artist, politician or scientist or Bill Gates with a pocket full of billions of dollars this cannot be done. What you can do is change yourself and start to influence those around you by that – particularly, and most importantly, your children. Let them see that people are more important than targets and that if we consider people first they will reward you with effort; that if you demonstrate that hard work is not in opposition to kindness but ought to run alongside it, then it pays a happiness dividend.

Perhaps no-one was more successful or famous or could have claimed to have changed the world in the last century more than Albert Einstein, and yet he said this: “seek not to be a man of success but rather a man of value.” Compassion is one of the chief ways you can add value to your life and those of others. And it’s easy to do and you need only start on the little things – respect, appreciation, smiles, giving people more of your time.

How Counselling Can Help and What it Shows

I would say that the modern-mindset stands in stark opposition to what counselling is about. When people come to counselling they find an oasis of calm away from the noise and craziness of what modern society is about. Of course, there are other ways to find this peace – walking in nature, music, art, meditation, sport etc. The problem with most of those is that whilst they will relieve you of stress they won’t necessarily connect you to people and help you reconnect to compassion – though they might up to a point. If my clients are lucky, they have found compassion from a few close friends and from a good partner, but increasingly their friends and partners have become as alienated by the demands of modern life as they have – and what then?

Finding compassion for ourselves can be more challenging and yet without it, we cannot give it to others. As the Buddha said, “you can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” Counselling can be a good way of reconnecting with compassion in your life in general. Clients receive compassion from their counsellor (as well as a variety of other things like understanding) and then usually seem to reconnect with it within themselves and then go on to offer it to others within their compass as a result. It is not surprising and there is no magic: kindness begets kindness and it always has. We are creatures born to yearn for love, kindness, compassion and appreciation. One only has to look at babies to see this and to Romanian orphans to see the result of its omission.

I would urge everyone reading this to think a little about compassion in their life. Do you consider the atmosphere and happiness in you home as more important than a list of chores? Do you give it to yourself, do you get it from close others around you, do you give it to others? How might you stay aware of the pressures of modern life and see that they do no disconnect you from something far more powerful and vital to your humanity than what it can offer?   And if you are still not convinced ask yourself which you are more likely to regret when you are 90 - not having been even more efficient and successful or not having been more compassionate?

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor. If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about compassion, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com. You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid