Finding Meaning in Our Lives

“Ever more people today have the means to live, but no meaning to live for.”Viktor Frankl

We are meaning seeking creatures. We cannot truly be at peace unless we have something we consider as significant in our lives – something that gives us purpose and fulfilment. There is a sense in which finding a meaning to life is the ultimate question for any of us. One of the regular things that happens in therapy is a search for meaning. It's one of the most inspiring issues - and I really enjoy helping clients find (or re-find) it – simply because I view it as so important. The philosopher Nietzsche and the psychologist Jung both seemed to agree, the former saying that “he who has a why to live can bear almost any how,” and the latter that “meaning makes a great many things endurable – perhaps everything.”

Unfortunately, we live in a world which increasingly makes it hard for us to find meaning. The fast pace of modern life, materialism, the difficulty of maintaining relationships in a stressful environment, the decline of religion, the difficulty in finding a “job for life” and the encouragement for us all to grasp at instant gratification and anything shallow to assuage our difficult emotions have all played into this lack of meaning. I am not going to say that there hasn’t always been lack of meaning in people’s lives – of course there has, but it has certainly got worse in the last few decades – probably post 1960s if not before. Perhaps oddly, roughly at the time when life became so fast and material expectations rose so quickly, inertia, boredom and apathy seemed to have increased as a perverse counter-weight to this pace. However, those who have sought their meaning through money, endless pleasure-seeking or achieving shallow tasks have invariably not found it there.

Perhaps Fromm summed this up best in the Art of Loving, when he said: “Modern man has transformed himself into a commodity; he experiences his life energy as an investment with which he should make the highest profit, considering his position and the situation on the personality market. He is alienated from himself, from his fellow men and from nature. His main aim is profitable exchange of his skills, knowledge, and of himself, his "personality package" with others who are equally intent on a fair and profitable exchange. Life has no goal except the one to move, no principle except the one of fair exchange, no satisfaction except the one to consume.”

It is hardly surprising that about half of the clients who come to me with one problem or another end up at some point by focusing on meaning. This is because meaning is often a hidden problem for many people. It's something they don't want to consider. They may consider every other problem first, but they will avoid this "big one" until a crisis arrives or it is very late in their life and they wake up and realise that there is a hole where there shouldn't be one. The comment, “I have no real meaning in my life” is common, poignant and the cause of deep-seated distress in the speaker. Sometimes clients have reached a state of nihilistic despair or, finding nothing worthwhile at all in their life, have turned to one addiction or another in order to try to blot out their meaninglessness. But need it be like that? I don’t think that it has to be so, even if we do live in a society whose machinations often work against rather than with meaningfulness. But actually, the discovery of "lack of meaning" can be the very thing that turns your life around.

Here are some ways that people commonly seem to find meaning in their lives – there are others. Some of them may be impossible for you or just not apt, but there is likely to be something on this list that you may be able to engage with to find meaning. And the concept of engagement is key here – if you fully engage with any of these things then you begin to find meaning.

1. Love. The Beatles were not far off the truth when they sang “All You Need is Love,” and a famous Larkin poem ends “What will survive of us is love.” And it doesn’t matter what form the love is - it needn’t be romantic, however much you desire that. Love for any other human being can give us great meaning and love of something can too.

2. Connection. This can be to nature, other people (deep friendships being the best one), or God, if you believe in Him and however you perceive Him. A sense of “feeling connected to the universe,” may seem airy-fairy in one sense, but if real it can be a source of meaning.

3. Doing good things for others. There is no doubt that bankers earn more than a teacher or nurse, but are there many that can find their meaning from their profession? I doubt it. Anything that makes our fellow travellers in this world have an easier journey helps to give us a purpose, money ultimately does not. I’ve no doubt Mother Theresa found endless meaning in her life but, thankfully, we are not all called upon to reach her level of sainthood in order to reach meaning by giving to others.

4. A creative life project. There is no doubt that making or creating something can give people a purpose. It is not hard to see how a composer, artist, poet or architect can feel that his or her life has purpose. The same is true of inventive and boundary pushing science. But you don't have to be brilliant to find this meaning. We may be mentally drawn to the picture of someone operating at a high spiritual level - mystics, philosophers and monks, for instance - but on a less demanding level, most of us can find meaning in a hobby or sport that we love.

5. Improving ourselves and feeling that we have reached some sort of spiritual or other full potential. It is possible to achieve this via career, but unless your career is something that you love it is unlikely to be enough on its own – because it has to be an improvement centred on within. This inner improvement is bound to bring some feelings of enlightenment.

You can even find meaning through your suffering, if by it you feel that in some way you have grown or inspired others. If you think that idea unlikely, then I would strongly suggest that you read Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl found that even in the unfathomable horror of Auschwitz it was possible to find meaning.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor. If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about meaning, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com. You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid

The Secret Is that There is No Secret

If ever I decide to write a Self-help book – and many folks keep telling me that one day I will, then it may well be called The Secret Is that There is No Secret. That is not to say that there are no solutions – there are to most things, but these solutions are not mystical, hidden or magic.

My clients often get me thinking with renewed energy and passion about things that interest me. One recent client did just that when we got onto his tendency to try to make things happen. The result was that they hardly ever did – we joked about waiting for kettles to boil. We thought also of a goal-poacher in football, trying so hard on the pitch that he is anxious and keeps missing the target. Obviously footballers need to practise and prepare and stay fit. Without that, they’d get nowhere and be out of the team very quickly. Equally though, when they’re on the pitch, they need to relax and just play on instinct. Golfers are the same. The minute they start to think too hard about that they are doing, they will tense up and lose their way. In fact, all of life is normally just like that.

Not long ago, I wrote a Blog entry called Ten Books To make Life Easier. At some point, I’ll follow that up with a Blog entitled, Another Ten Books to Make Your Life Easier. But, I must stress that these books make things “easier” rather than “easy” and none of them offer magic cures. In fact one of them, M Scott Peck’s The Road Less Travelled, famously begins “Life is difficult,” even though he then outlines how we can work to make it less so.

And so, I am going to base this Blog entry on my feelings about the book the Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I know that this will be controversial in some people’s eyes, but opinion is partly what a Blog is for. Many people enjoy the book, but my thoughts are very different. I loathe it, and if I had the choice of binning one book in the world it would be that one- for reasons I shall give below. I will describe why I view it as a bogus, fake self-help book that has only really helped the author become rich.

I’ll make a couple of quick points before I get onto my bigger ones. The book is very repetitive and makes the same point over and over. It is very unoriginal and has taken ideas from everywhere else. That could be fine up to a point, as all self-help writers build on the ideas of others, but to pass the whole off as “a secret” seems to hint at some new discovery. I also consider the idea that disasters happen to those “on the same frequency as the event” as in poor taste and not a million miles away from what Glen Hoddle once got sacked for saying. Further, in nature, the law of attraction is often seen as the opposite – one thinks of magnets. With people and relationships, it varies. I could go on with a variety of issues, but I’d rather get to my main points...

I think Byrne’s book is wrong in a number of profound ways and key areas. First, I disagree with the idea that if you want something badly enough it will just come to you – almost by some type of magic osmosis. For me that notion is the absolute antithesis of all that counselling stands for. I tell all of my clients that “there are no magic solutions to life,” but that things do improve as we become aware, accepting and work hard for change. My clients do the bulk of the work - I just guide and facilitate them in that. Since I think it’s dangerous to seek any sort of magic solution in life, I frequently use Irvin Yalom’s comment to new clients – “I am not the Wizard of Oz.” Though, the Wizard is a perfect analogy to Byrne’s book, as we all know that the Wizard could not do magic and was hiding behind smoke and mirrors – but people believed that he could and that was enough for some of them. Second, I disagree with the implication that what we need is outside of us and that we need to wish for something we haven’t got in order to make ourselves whole or happy. Actually, I think joy springs from within when we become our true selves and feel one with the world in this way. But again, perhaps cynically, Byrne taps into a modern scourge. Third, I disagree with the implication that what we need is an end or a target. Instead, I think that Carl Rogers was right – “the good life is a process not a destination.” One is not going to gain anything from the visualisation that Byrne suggests – and that’s not her intention, it’s the goal she declares important. I think the opposite - that the greatness of life is to be had in the journey, not the arrival, if indeed there ever is an “arrival.” Fourth, by concentrating on visualising a future, we are not living in the present. Being in the present is the way of not only mindfulness, but of peace.

Where I do agree with Byrne 100% is in the power of positive thinking – but that is an old idea offered up many times and in many different ways – by philosophers in Ancient Greece for instance. I would recommend NLP especially as a tool for this, and something I use a little of in my sessions. It is much more subtle and gentle than CBT – and I believe more long lasting. If you think positively about things you can influence how you feel about outcomes – and sometimes the outcomes themselves. But I cannot take positive thinking further and to the extreme as Byrne does with “visualise a million pounds and you shall have it.” My own view is that that is a damaging and limiting concept which far from moving people on holds them back and prevents them from moving properly forward. Miracles might well happen, but they are rare and God chiefly helps those who help themselves.

Perhaps Byrne’s book is symptomatic of today’s society, where school children often profess that their life’s desire is “to be famous,” and where many people seem so obsessed with instant gratification and material success; and place celebrity over talent and hard work. In a sense Byrne plays into that expectation and desire by offering a short-cut to it. People are said to want anything but to change themselves, but counselling does not take that line at all. It is centred on a movement towards change. It challenges us to become awake, not to live in dreams – to sometimes dream, yes, but as Kipling said, “not to make dreams our master.”

I have written, many other Blog articles about the sorts of things we can do to help ourselves live better, happier and more fulfilled lives, so I won’t repeat them here. What I will say, is that I think the deeper path is better – perhaps the zen-like way of thinking of things or the way of philosophy, psychology or of many faiths, or just simply, your own way. These are all much better ways than the magic one – and much more productive ones too.

We certainly should concentrate on being positive, in seeing good, in working towards the good – but, crucially, we should also concentrate on being rather than doing. My experience is that good things come when you do that. They don’t when you take a battering ram to them whether in the forms of words, actions or wishes. To put it another way, ultimately the good life is much more about allowing than it is about demanding. If you look at relationships with others you can see that in action – show them kindness, compassion and tolerance and they are more likely to listen to you than if you bully or demand.

This alternative way to Byrne’s is not the way of laziness or lack of purpose. I am not going to suggest that we do the very opposite of what she says – to expect bad things or never to work for good things. But when we relax into life and being, that’s when things start to happen. You don’t get anywhere without hard work. I suggest that we shouldn’t put the hard work into believing in magic solutions, but instead on working on ourselves and our way of being in the world.

One of my favourite poets, Robert Frost would surely have agreed with my stance and said this: “A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone.” I urge my clients and readers not to be such a person.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred and Existential Counsellor. You can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com, and you can follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid

On the Joys of Slowing Down (and on Philosophy, Nature and Poetry)

Recently I have been very busy. I will spare you the details of how and why, but I have felt rushed off of my feet. Over the last few weeks there has hardly been a time when I could take more than 5 minutes out and I have found myself eating my lunch as quickly as possible or even not taking a proper one at all. We all have periods like this in our lives and that’s fine. I am certainly not going to argue against achieving important targets. It’s only when fast-paced doing becomes an ingrained habit, when we let work and tasks take over, that we start to miss out on life. Socrates counselled against this when he said: “beware the barrenness of a busy life.” He was a pretty busy man and no one could ever have accused him of laziness, but he did take his time to enjoy things or to think them through. He was not the sort to rush and was much more of a human being than a human doing – perhaps that is part of the reason why he is often described as “the wisest man who ever lived.”

Another person whom I greatly admire was the poet Robert Frost. He said, “by working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. “ Again, Frost was no shirker, labouring long and hard on each of his poems till he got them just right - but he understood the value of noticing, of watching things.

And so, a day or two ago, I decided that enough was enough and took an hour and a half out to go for a walk and to sit and read and write. This is something I have been starved of recently, but it is one of my chief joys to walk in nature and just feel at peace. However much I have achieved in these last few weeks, that was my favourite moment and that was the time when I achieved something much more precious than hitting targets and completing tasks – the feeling of being fully alive. I often urge my busy clients to do something similar. I have several who work between 12 and 17 hour days on a regular basis. Unsurprisingly, when I ask them if “they have any joy in their life?” the answer nearly always comes back “no.” And that answer often shocks them or causes an outpouring of tears. They simply stopped considering whether they had any joy. Yet they have had it and they normally know where to find it, and with a little encouragement they normally do just that. And it is amazing how much a little joy can do for us, even if the rest of your life is fraught, stressful or unbearably busy. As Anne Morrow Lindbergh said: “for happiness one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair.” Joy is in the simple things. No amount of money will bring you it, but a walk in the sunshine or the snow can, as can a close relationship or music or a poem. Joy is largely about feeling a deep connection to something that feels uplifting.

I wrote the following poem a few years back, when I can remember a similar feeling of needing some space. It was printed in Poetry in the Waiting Room, and the feedback I got was that quite a few people had written in to say that it inspired them. I have always been good at connecting to joy and I hope this poem will help you to think of how you most connect to it:

I’d Soonest Sit and Seldom Run


If we could live our lives for best
We’d let our sun, a sluggard, rest
And gently turn our lives from speed
And find in nature all we need,
For what’s the point of mighty act
Or counting minutes so exact
When we could measure precious things
Like honeycombs and swallow’s wings?
Such cleverness that man deploys
To keep himself from simple joys:
To choose the life of treadmill rat
I cannot say I follow that.

To laze upon the meadow grass
And let the empty moments pass,
To lie with mayflower by its stream
And idle banks of wind and beam,
To breeze with hoverflies in flight
And gasp at lace-wings with delight,
To roll with beetle to its grub
And whirl with twirling, curling bug:
It’s where I’ll find my happiness
And endless peace and thankfulness,
To choose a life that sings the sun
I’d soonest sit and seldom run.


David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor. You can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com
You can follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid

Spring Clean Your Life

There are many, many ways to Spring Clean Your Life and I don’t want to create a long list. Here are just a few ideas that I hope will inspire you to make more of your own. The main thing is to make a positive change – evolution rather than revolution – let Spring make you feel that you are onto something new. So, here are 6 ideas to get you started:

Clean out Anger. Especially anger with yourself. If you need to say sorry to someone, do it and then move on. Maybe they hurt you, but you’re probably hurting yourself a lot more now by holding on to it. I encourage my clients to go and thump a pillow. Most find it tremendously energising and releasing. Nothing holds back your joy like anger and resentment, so let it go...

Make a Small Dietary Change – is there a particularly unhealthy food or drink that you indulge in too much? Try cutting it out and see what a difference that can make to your life.

Clear your Schedule – Are you one of these people who does too much? It seems that you can join most of the world in that one. How would it feel to create a space in your week that was just for you? It can be just a couple of hours, or it can be an evening. I know it’s not easy, but it can be done and it will give you a spring in your step.

Clean up your Time with Friends - we all have people in our lives who wear us down or expect too much of us. Spend more time with people you can relax, connect and be happy with. Don’t wait for them to contact you. Contact them today and arrange it.

Enjoy Being You. Don’t feel guilty for your pleasures and fun. If you like to go for a walk and are made to feel guilty about it, don’t let it stop you anymore. I am not suggesting that you become selfish overnight, but it would be good to do a bit more of what you fancy in the Spring. You are only alive once and Spring is a reminder of how it’s good to take your joys when you can.

Find a New Hobby (or take up an old one with renewed vigour). Try to make this a change from the normal. If you normally do things to exercise your mind, try your body and vice-versa. If you’ve always wanted to go to Yoga, take up golf, learn the piano or become a salsa goddess, now’s your chance.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred and Existential Counsellor. If you wish to move towards a fresh start or greater happiness in your life, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Ten Steps To Better Sleep

“Sleeplessness is a desert without vegetation or inhabitants.” Jessamyn West

Many of the clients who come to me with a variety of issues also suffer from poor sleep. I therefore nearly always ask new clients how their sleep is in the very first session that we have together. Even if they wish to outline a large range of worrying issues, should their sleep be poor, I ask them if we can spend the last 5 or 10 minutes looking at that. It is good to send them off with something practical that will allow them to go home on a positive note.

I think good sleep is a vital element in our well being. I think it’s right up there with good physical and mental health, supportive relationships and feeling that you have a purpose. How much sleep people need can vary, but poor sleep can undermine anything else we do. Yet, it is surprising how few people think about how much poor sleep affects their mood and ability to cope with life and also how little time they devote to thinking of ways to improve it. It is also amazing how quickly sleep can improve with a little planning. I have yet to have a client who suffered bad sleep who wasn’t helped by some of the following ideas, which is not to say that their sleep is perfect after they come to see me or that I wave some sort of magic wand, but simply that things start to improve as we pay proper attention to improving them. In this respect, sleep is no different from many other issues.

I outline below ten ways in which you could improve your sleep:

1. Consider your Sleep Schedule. Of course, there are special nights when we want and need to stay up and that’s a good, enjoyable thing for all of us. I don’t play party pooper to my clients, but it is important to try to make sleep consistent and to look at natural rhythms. It’s best to try to wake up at the same time and not to lie in bed for too long after you wake. Occasional treats are not a problem - for instance a brief-lie in as you wake up to the radio or cuddling up on a cold morning, but your routine is better if you normally get up within a short time of waking up – certainly less than twenty minutes – much less if you can. If you need to change your sleep pattern then try to do so in small steps of fifteen minutes at a time.

2. Try to Relax before Bed. Any one of these things might do. I suggest that my clients try them in rotation to see what works best - take a long hot bath, have a milky drink, do some slow stretching or breathing exercises, listen to something soothing on the radio (classical music and the shipping forecast are good), have sex (good for stress relief and all sorts of other things aside from sleep), use a few drops of lavender oil on your pillow, meditate. Reading before bed is good as long as it’s not a story that will scare you witless or over-stimulate you - but, it’s best not to read in bed if possible. Have soft lighting rather than glaring or hot lights (like halogens) in your bedroom and nearest bathroom.

3. Pre-Sleep Routines can Help with Problem Sleeping. If you are having trouble sleeping, try deep breathing exercises. Close your eyes and try taking deep, slow breaths, making each breath even deeper than the last. Progressive muscle relaxation is also good. You should start at your toes and tense all the muscles as tightly as you can, then relax them. Gradually, move up from your feet to the top of your head. You could also try visualizing a calm, restful place. Close your eyes and think of somewhere that has a happy or peaceful memory for you.

4. Deal with Worries Before you go to Bed. We all have them, but try to process them a few hours before bed. If you are rowing with your partner, try to sort it out before you get into bed. If you really can’t drop your worries before bed, then don’t go to bed without going through a few of the tips in 3 above.

5. Go to Bed Directly you are Tired. You may get second wind if you stay up, but at what cost for the next day?

6. Avoid Certain Things near Bedtime – strenuous exercise - this will mean you are pumped full of adrenaline, caffeine (best avoided at least four hours before bed), a large alcohol intake (a small amount may help sleep, lots does not), looking at a bright digital clock display (it puts the brain on alert). Don’t fall asleep after dinner – if you feel that’s going to happen then strive to stop it - proper sleep is beckoning in a few hours time, so do something stimulating for ten minutes before relaxing again on the run down to bed.

7. Associate your Bed only with Sleep and Making Love. Do not work in it and try not watch tv there in the evening.

8. Try to Boost your Body’s Production of Melatonin, and keep your brain on a healthy schedule. This is done by having lots of natural light during the day and avoiding too much artificial light in the evening – obviously, most of us do use computer screens and watch tv at night, but it can be overdone, which suppresses melatonin production, especially if you aren’t getting any natural light during the day – working in a harshly lit office, for instance.

9. Think about Comfort and Temperature – have you got a decent mattress or pillows? Does ventilation help you sleep or not? Negotiate with your partner if you have different needs. If you have found one or two comfortable sleeping positions, roll into them just when you are about to doze off.

10. Experiment with Naps during the day – never the evening. Power naps can be wonderful and necessary if they are done at the right time and siestas hurt nobody’s sleep. Edward Lucas said,“There is more refreshment and stimulation in a nap, even of the briefest, than in all the alcohol ever distilled.”

Finally, if you’ve tried everything and still can’t sleep, don’t stay in bed! You won’t sleep and you may annoy or disturb your partner. It is likely that you will also worry about not sleeping and about all of your other worries, too. Life is way too short to waste time! You may as well turn occasional insomnia to something positive. Do something useful or fun that you’d like to have the time to do – nothing dangerous, of course. When I can’t sleep, I surf the internet for ten minutes then read for twenty. It sometimes does the trick. If it doesn’t and I go back to bed and still can’t sleep, I get up again and start the process over. If I don’t get much sleep, at least I got something done. You can also try focussing on your body and its sensations or your breathing - not your mind. You can try thinking about relaxing rather than sleeping. Most people suffer a short period of insomnia at some point, so don’t worry. It will pass soon enough. If it doesn’t, it’s time to see a counsellor or a doctor.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred and Existential Counsellor. If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about sleep, you can book a face to face or skype session with him
by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Dealing with Redundancy

Losing a job can feel like a bereavement. Depending on the circumstances, it can be as bad as losing a loved one or the end of a key relationship. There can be five main fall outs from job loss: financial limitations, loss of meaning and identity, anxiety about the future, loss of self-esteem (having to tell people that you “don’t have a job,” especially if your self-image is heavily wrapped up in the job you had) and anger. Anger can be aimed at those who took your job away, politicians, the world at large and those who we love – they can be an easy target when the smallest things go wrong. In addition, some people, especially if they have worked for most of their lives or come from an area or family with a strong work-ethic, can feel shame. Shame is such a strong emotion that it can eat away at you and make you unable to move forward.

The fact is that we live in such uncertain times that there are few of us who are entirely sure that our job is safe or that it will be more or less the same in a year as it is now. Things are likely to continue to get worse for a little while before they start to get better. Redundancy is very destabilising not only for the person who loses their job but for those close to them. Even in the strongest, most loving and supportive couple relationship there are bound to be problems. Nearly all relationships go through difficult phases and any weaknesses which were dealt with easily in good times can be harder in a difficult situation. Money and sex are two obvious areas of extra tension - money being directly affected by job loss and sex indirectly – through worry, lack of confidence, anger or a withdrawal of communication.

Acceptance is a key part of dealing with what happened, but it can be hard to get to that stage as you may feel anger or shame. For a while at least, allow negative feelings to bubble up – warning those close that you are not yourself and that it will pass. Then try to move on - redundancy is hardly ever the fault of the person who faces it. If your next door neighbour or best friend lost their job, you wouldn’t be hard on them or blame them would you? Then why blame yourself?

Also allow that roles and duties within the home and family will shift. Partners will have different expectations of the future which can lead to niggles and tension. It can be hard for people – especially some men - to busy themselves with domestic chores they have never thrown themselves at before. But that doesn’t mean that those roles aren’t valuable or won’t bring satisfaction. If the partner who loses their job ends up doing more of what the other has done, it can lead to greater understanding and appreciation and handled carefully that can be growthful for the relationship.

As a counsellor, I can help understand what is happening to your emotions and help you to find some meaning and purpose so that you can move forward.

I’ve put together Ten Top Tips for Dealing with Redundancy

1. Keep cool and as level headed as you can.
2. Talk about it. Don’t bottle up how you are feeling. Friends, family and a counsellor can be helpful outlets.
3. Make a plan and stick to it. In particular, face up to the new financial demands of having less money, otherwise things can get worse very quickly. Financial problems, like any problems, don’t just go away and need to be dealt with wisely and calmly.
4. View the situation as a challenge and not as a problem. This can make you feel energised and positive. Inevitably you will want to look back at times, but don’t get stuck with doing that.
5. Finding a new job should be not only an important task, but also a routine. Finding a job or training up for a new one is a job in itself.
6. Be aware of how your redundancy is affecting your partner and other people who are close to you - see it as a chance for some extra teamwork. Children may pick up valuable skills and attitudes from watching you tackle the situation positively.
7. Stay positive and don’t hide yourself away from the world.
8. Don’t push people away if they want to help or ask how you feel. On the other hand don’t forget to ask them how they are too – it’s ok to be honest if you’re feeling miserable as long as that’s not all you ever talk about.
9. Keep busy and cheerful. Think about your general wellbeing as well as finding a job. This may mean finding time for hobbies so that your enjoyment of life is maintained.
10. Though the situation can hardly ever be described as good in the round, don’t blind yourself to the positive aspects – more time for family, helping around the house, DIY, hobbies, long term dreams, friends etc. If you’re going to be out of work for several months or more then plan to use that time constructively. Remember that time well spent is not just about earning money and that we work to live, not live to work.

If you’ve been given redundancy money then use it wisely. If it is generous, consider treating yourself and your loved ones to a break. But plan the timing of that carefully - give yourself a few weeks after the loss to feel and start to accept as rushing straight off to the sun will mean that you come back to a huge anti-climax, which can add greatly to the destabilising. During time away, the loss may ease emotionally, you will have time to think and get things into perspective and your partner is likely to reassure you. You will probably come back ready for action.

Even so, with all of the positive thinking and planning in the world, the trauma of losing a job can be very painful to deal with. If you repeatedly try your hardest to find a job and cannot then you also have to deal with the feeling of rejection, which again feeds into shame. This can cause a vicious spiral towards depression. Depression is often the result of unexpressed or inadequately expressed anger and shame, and redundancy can be a huge trigger for that. If stress and low-feelings start to overwhelm you, and you have been mainly dealing with things on your own, then think about finding professional help from a counsellor, your GP or career guidance – perhaps all three. I see many people suffering from terrible loss of all kinds and was unemployed myself for two years. I have experienced it, understand what it feels like and am trained to help you.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor. If you wish to talk about attachments in your life, you can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

On Attachment

The subject of attachment is one that fascinates me. It seems to be at the centre of much psychological, philosophical and spiritual thinking. In psychology, John and Richard Bowlby have written about the importance of secure attachment in babies and how insecure and avoidant attachment at that stage can bring all sorts of problems in later life. Philosophers have taken opposing views about attachment – Diogenes lived in a clay jar and wanted little to do with others even though a steady stream of people came to seek his famous wisdom, Schopenhauer loathed most other people, Nietzsche craved both solitude and the company of others and Montaigne loved company but was so heartbroken after the death of a close friend that he hid himself away in his study for the rest of his life.

In religious terms should we live like hermits, nuns or monks or be like Saint Simeon Stylites who lived up a stone column for 37 years? Or should we be like Jesus who surrounded himself with 12 disciples and a number of close female friends and encouraged us to be fishers of men? Or should we follow the Buddhist precept that mixing with others is good but it would be better not to form strong attachments to them?

Each of us will have our views on these things. What is clear is that what is right for one person is not right for another. And most of us like balance. I cannot do without solitude, but equally I could not live like a monk or a hermit.

John Bowlby said that people who have either avoidant or insecure attachments find it very difficult to form close attachments – particularly romantic ones in later life. Those with insecure attachments will often wear their partners down with their needs and demands, whilst those with avoidant attachment are likely to push anyone they get close to away and thus often have a series of failed relationships or else their main relationship can be much colder and lacking in intimacy than it should be. Luckily these issues can be dealt with in therapy – especially the patient non-judgemental and warm humanistic therapies – and people can become aware of their patterns, break them and move on.

It needs to be said that there are no perfect parents out there. We just have to be good enough for our kids. Human beings are very resilient and mostly tend towards positive growth so any slight deficiencies in upbringing are normally easily managed. Besides, which of us can claim never to be neurotic about anything? As Jung said, “the psychic cases of neurotics differ hardly at all from those of so-called normal persons – for what man today is quite sure that he is not neurotic?” We all have our ups and downs, but having said that, each of us are on the continuum of neuroticism - from a Woody Allen type persona to a zen master.

My own view is that relationships with others are a key thing for the vast majority of us, and a healthy relationship with our self is vital for all of us. Loving yourself does not mean narcissistic absorption. It need not be a selfish act. As writers such as Fromm and Frankl have said, those who do not love themselves are incapable of loving anyone else either and so a healthy amount of self love is vital.

The psychology writers Horne and Kiselica went as far as to say that, “almost all mental health problems are the direct result of a breakdown in a relationship: with self, with others, or with an existential other (on some level, God, however he or she is perceived). “ I think that is probably true. Most people that I see are either having major relationship problems with others or else cannot come to terms with some aspect of their own life – anger or selfishness or self-esteem, for instance.

I see sense in the Buddhist notion of avoiding strong attachment, but essentially cannot follow it myself as more than a wise warning about not looking towards another person for fulfilment of our happiness or being. Ultimately this is why I think that a certain amount of solitude (not loneliness) is essential for our mental health - so that we can look to ourselves and get in touch with what we need for emotional and spiritual growth. Artists and thinkers of all types will see the need for solitude on another level as well. After periods of solitude, we can emerge ready again for healthy encounters with others. And most humans beings are also strongly sexual beings, looking for a union with another – especially if that union is loving, comforting, protecting and spiritually growthful. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke combined these notions of solitude and close loving relationships by making the following memorable and existential comment: “Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.”

It is true that close relationships, especially intimate ones, can be hurtful, but where would any of us be without them? In fact, most of us wouldn’t be here had our parents not made them. Thus, I agree with Stephanie Dowrick ‘s idea that, “it absolutely supports our psychological health to have a whole range of people to care about and take an interest in. We all need at least a village's worth of friends, acquaintances, challengers and allies.”

It’s not always easy to have a whole village worth. I wouldn’t view that as essential – even though on one level (perhaps often shallow if we’re honest) Facebook and other social network sites can seem to make this happen. A few close friends and a lot of acquaintances is enough providing we choose the friends wisely, perhaps bearing in mind Aristotle’s definition of a friend – someone who promotes the better and sounder in another - and not the commonly held view that any person who buys us a drink in a pub, flatters us or shows us any kind of attention is a friend. And of course, attachments to nature and animals are also very healthy.

I think that attachments are often the very stuff and joy of life, and so I leave the last word to my favourite writer about therapy, Irvin Yalom:

“attachments and plenty of them, are the indispensable ingredients of a full life and to avoid attachments because of anticipated suffering is a sure recipe to being only partially alive.”

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor. If you wish to talk about attachments in your life, you can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com