Ten Books to Make Life Easier

Clients are always asking me which books they can read to help with their therapy or just life in general.  Most often I point them at one of ten I mention below.  I have read them all myself and gained a lot from having done so.

The following books certainly cover many aspects of how to make life more bearable, comfortable- and probably more joyous.  You may have other books that you have found useful, but these are very much my own favourites – so, you won’t find any quick cure books here.  For instance, I am not at all keen on The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, as for me it took a simple (and well trodden) idea – “positive thinking helps to make positive results” – and changed it into undeliverable magic – “believe that you can have anything you want and you shall.” As a counsellor, I strongly discourage quick or magic fixes.  Life does not work like that. All of the following books require some commitment, or at least point the way of a more profound way of thinking and feeling.

I also include a group of CDs at the end which I think are useful for finding some peace and in our stressful lives.

Awareness – Anthony de Mello

De Mello was part Jesuit priest (with a Buddhist leaning), part counsellor, part teacher, part author and part philosopher.  I find his books to be both easy to read and amazingly profound.  De Mello declares that the purpose of the book is to do no less than wake people up.  It is his assertion (perhaps following on from Socrates) that most people find little comfort and contentment in their lives precisely because they are not aware of their ways of thinking and dealing with life.  By becoming aware we can change some things and leave other alone.  He also talks about the nature of love, suffering, selfishness and our relationships with self and others.  He has a way of explaining things via his own short parables which make things very easy to follow.  I find the book so useful that I’ve read it through 4 times in the last 2 years, and dip into it regularly.

Love’s Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy – Irvin Yalom

Yalom is a great story teller and he has a way of wrapping up important thoughts about life in a simple way.  He writes mainly about what he considers to be the four main problems that people have to deal with in their lives – loss (including bereavement), meaninglessness (which he says is very prevalent in today’s society), isolation and freedom vs responsibility.  Although his stories are all extreme cases of suffering, it is from these extreme cases that we can learn much about ourselves and the nature of what it is to be human.  Yalom offers no quick fixes but he is an expert at making us feel more at ease with the difficulties of life – which are, after all, universal.  When we read of the extreme nature of the problems and neurotic natures of his characters we may come to see that our own problems, though often similar, are usually much less onerous, and thus become easier to bear.

Taming Your Gremlin – Rick Carson

This is really about how to change our internalised habits of negative criticism and low self-esteem.  Carson asks us to imagine that the urge to do things which are causing us suffering (such as that we cannot do something or that we are not good enough) is a gremlin on our shoulders (poking and prodding us like some cartoon demon).  He teaches us how to deal with that gremlin so that it starts to lose its power and eventually gives up.  He deals specifically with a variety of messages that people tend to tell themselves daily – “I should do this” or I shouldn’t do that.”  Many of my clients and friends have been helped by this book, and I use it myself to help with my anxiety about public speaking.

The Road Less Travelled – M Scott Peck

Peck famously begins his book with “life is difficult.”  He doesn’t pull any punches from start to finish, and often retells his own difficult experiences as a way of illuminating his ideas.  He tells us there are no quick fixes and there is no magic.  Changing painful problems is often painful in its itself – at least for a time.  Like Yalom he talks about people wanting to change but being too afraid to actually do so – their old habits, though painful, being safer than the risk of going through the relatively short term pain barrier into the unknown and a better life.  He talks about loving oneself (not in a selfish but in a generous way) and loving others, and about the importance of spiritual growth especially in our important relationships.

Ten Days to Great Self-Esteem – Dr David Burns

This book is different from all the others on the list in that it is a systematic, practical guide.  It doesn’t necessarily seek to solve deep rooted causes of suffering (as some of the other books do) but it’s strength is that it seeks to alleviate symptoms by getting the reader to go through a series of tasks to change the way they think about themselves.  I have found that it has helped many clients – but it is definitely a book to use alongside therapy rather than instead of it.

Loneliness and Love – Clark E Moustakas

Quite aside from having profound ideas, Moustakas also writes as beautifully as a poet, which makes him a delight to read.  He mainly writes about the joys of solitude and the difficulties of loneliness.  By spending lots of time on his own he came into deep contact with himself and found that this enabled him to build better relationships.  He draws a big distinction between loneliness and solitude.  He experienced both and learned much from them.  It’s a short book , and you feel that you are in the presence of a good, caring and deep soul as you read it.

The Consolations of Philosophy – Alain de Botton

The great philosophers have had much to say on how best to live life and De Botton does a good job of guiding us through that.  Like most of the writers here, De Botton writes beautifully and succinctly about the most profound issues.  Here we get consolations for: a broken heart, lack of money, lack of friends and feeling inadequate.  He quotes Montaigne (one of my favourite philosophers) as saying – “what matters in a book is usefulness and appropriateness to life."  Here, too, De Botton provides us with a book that shows the usefulness of philosophy when we are faced with the trials and tribulations that life inevitably brings – or as Epicurus puts it:  “Just as medicine confers no benefit if it does not drive away physical illness, so philosophy is useless if it does not drive away the suffering of the mind.”  I enjoy this book so much that I have it on tape (for the car) as well as in hard back copy.  I am quite sure that most people who read it will find huge chunks of it relevant to their own experiences.

Total Freedom: The Essential Krishnamurti

This book, a conglomeration of many of the author’s best ideas, is perhaps the most spiritual on this list, but that is not to say that it is overtly religious.  Krishnamurti deals with freedom, life, death, suffering, love, truth, friendship and contentment.  He talks a great deal about how when individuals change for the better, the societies they are in can do too.  Above all, his is a message of the need to take courage.  This is my favourite quote of his: “What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.”

The Art of Loving – Erich Fromm

This bestselling book is perhaps more of an intense read than any of the other books on this list.  Fromm discusses at length the nature of different types of love – romantic, brotherly, for friends, erotic, religious and for self.  In doing so, he explodes a lot of ideas that you may have taken for granted and makes you rethink them.  His message is that love is an art that we need to develop and that we should start by loving ourselves.  Only if we love ourselves can we love others.  But he is set against all forms of selfishness, arguing that love is not love if it is delivered selfishly.  He argues that man must stop treating his fellows as a commodity and break loose from the modern inclination to do so – people should be loved and valued for who they are not what they do.

Being Human (More Real Poems for Unreal Times) – Edited Neil Astley

As a poet, I know of the healing power of poetry.  Both writing and reading it can bring us great relief and help us to view our problems as universal.  I could recommend hundreds of poems and poetry books, but this one is part of a trilogy that is particularly relevant to making life more bearable –and it contains a good variety of poetry, from the classics to contemporary poets.  There are poems covering such areas as love, death, the stages of life, universal human difficulties, hope and body and soul.  None of them will solve your problems, but they will offer you some comfort and sometimes a new angle on them – and often that’s more than enough.

As a bonus, I would also suggest the range of CDs by Jon Kabat-Zinn.  He is the founding director of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society.   He is one of the world’s leading lights in teaching about mindfulness (living in the present moment) and he does this by encouraging people to do breathing exercises.  He has a range of three CDs of Guided Mindfulness Meditation, which I have found very useful, as have several of my clients.  His voice is very soothing and his ideas about meditation are not specifically religious.  Quite simply, it’s all about the power of being rather than doing.  If you have a lot of immediate stress in your life and are looking for something specific to alleviate it quickly then using these CDs can be a wonderful help. I would also like to find room to make the list up to twelve books by adding: May Sarton - Journal of Solitude, and Depression as a Spiritual Journey - Stephanie Sorrell...two wonderful books.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Coping with Bereavement

I thought I’d write this blog article from a very personal perspective. Having recently lost my father, I understand about grief and bereavement only too well. He and I were very close and I miss him very much. Nonetheless, I have not yet fully dealt with his loss. I know that some of the feelings that I have around his passing have yet to surface. This is quite normal. The grieving process takes time and if there are other things going on in our life it can be stalled (perhaps partly as a defence mechanism).

A friend of mine told me recently that when his father died he let out little emotion until six months after his death when he heard a song that he associated with him in a shop. He broke down and sobbed almost continuously for the next three days. I have certainly let out some emotion, but I know that there is more to come. It cannot be forced. It happens when you are ready for it.

The same is true for other sorts of loss – divorce, the loss of a job, a friendship, good health or a relationship, for instance. Depending on circumstances, these can all be as painful as a death, but the deep feelings may take time to sink in, especially if you are the sort who finds it difficult to deal with your feelings openly to start with. Feelings need to be expressed or they are repressed and surface in all sorts of unhealthy ways – avoidant behaviour, anger, snappiness with others etc.

I have a picture of my father on my desk at home. I have dealt with much of the grief but have not ended the process yet. I am being gentle with myself as it unfolds.

As counsellors if we are to deal with the emotions of our clients, we need to be in touch with our own and not block, avoid or deny them. To do so would make us poor counsellors. I am currently discussing my feelings and issues around the death of my father with a trusted colleague and have found it both unburdening and enlightening. I am used to dealing with people who have suffered loss or bereavement and would be happy to work with you should you wish to book a session with me. As a person-centred counsellor, I am trained to be empathic and supportive, and with my existential leanings, I know that loss is an ever present issue in our lives (days, people and things come and go through our lives as a constant, and this is sometimes painful and hard to deal with).

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified 5 Stages of Grief. She developed ideas which are of great and compassionate help with those who suffer the emotional suffering brought on by loss, death and trauma. The five stages are all relative and all interchangeable. They are all perfectly normal and human. They can come in any order over different lengths of time and in different strengths, and some may be revisited. The stages are: denial (refusing to accept that the loss has happened – this is a useful and natural defence mechanism, but ultimately it is a stage that needs to be moved though for healing to take place), anger (this can be directed at life, God, oneself for not doing better, or the lost person or thing), bargaining (perhaps with God or a boss – “if you give me back this lost thing, I will....”), depression (a great outpouring of sadness which is often a beginning of accepting what has happened), acceptance (when some objectivity about carrying on and moving forward happens – and often a dying person will reach this stage long before those they leave behind).

All of these stages are not easy for any of us, and, to say the least, I have not found it easy to write this blog...but is all an inevitable part of life.

Often one part of the process is very hard and another quite easy. It depends on the individual. For me, the stage I find the least difficult is denial. I am not an avoidant or denying person and prefer to at least start to face and deal with things. One way I have found of expressing my feeling is by writing poetry. You may have other ways – art, an angry outburst, tears, religious faith, walking in nature, or perhaps something less healthy like drinking too much alcohol over a long period. Counselling is also a very good way of moving through the process.

With my father, there was so much that was never done or said that we both intended to work through, though he himself was partly in denial about this right to the end. I was quite frustrated by that as well as greatly upset. The following poem is one of many I wrote after his death, expressing the anger stage more than any other – this is a stage that many find difficult as they may think that their anger is unreasonable - but it is normal and to be expected. Since anger is a strong emotion, it is great fuel for poetry and helped me reach some of the peace I have now.

The End

The end is always hard,
grief crawls an inch then jumps a yard.
There is no thing that can assuage
a falling leaf, a turning page.

Life took your legs, your voice;
our legs, my voice,
and now gives me words
that go nowhere
and that I do not want.

We deal with things in our own way,
this truth is old and new each day...
That life rolls on with no regard.
The end is always hard.

David Seddon 2011

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Ten Ways to More Peace of Mind

Do you ever feel like you need more peace?

In the modern world we find excitement in different forms within our grasp quite easily – it may come with a financial cost at times, but is easily had. The world is set up to serve it to us if we care to find it. These days, peace is a much rarer commodity, and I believe that it is also much more precious.

Often peace starts and follows from what we feel in our hearts and heads and so I’ve put together a few ideas to help you on your way:

1. Live with as Few Expectations as Possible

If you expect others to behave in a certain way and do certain things, you are storing up trouble for yourself. People have their own lives and their own needs. If they do give us their valuable time we should be grateful for it, but not become stuck in the expectation of more. Nor should we expect good fortune from the world. There is much in what Dennis Wholey said about life – “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” Expecting too much of others can lead to disappointment and even bitterness.

2. Be Mindful of Others (but not too much!)

Whilst it is a good thing to put others before yourself and to help them as much as you can, I have discussed that in this blog before.

This time, I want to stress the importance of not interfering too much in other people’s lives. You may think that you know best for others, but do you? Will you really be thanked for trying to make someone do something other than their wishes? Of course, if what they suggest is dangerous or bad for them it could be neglectful, as a good friend, to ignore that – and so, it may be wise to have a quiet word and help them to consider their options. In the end though, they must go their own way and excessive interference is ultimately good for neither of you. Instead, put your own life in order and concentrate on finding you own peace of mind.

3. Forgive and Forget

Do not dwell on any grievance – this could really mess up your peace of mind, especially at night, when sleep loss can make things even worse.
Life is too short to waste time holding a grudge and forgiveness is a powerful thing. None of this means that you should not speak to someone who did you a wrong. It may well be a good and healthy idea to let them know that you were hurt, but then to leave it at that and move on. If you are still thinking of revenge, remember this quote: “While seeking revenge, dig two graves – one for yourself.” (Doug Horton)

4. Do Not Crave For Recognition

We all know narcissistic (hugely self-absorbed) people who love to be praised but seldom say anything appreciative back to us. They seem only to have their own needs when it comes to relationships and don’t consider anyone else’s, preferring only to concentrate on talking about themselves. Unfortunately narcissists are the least likely of people to spot this within themselves! It is not important to gain praise from such people. A word of encouragement from someone you trust and respect is of much more value.
In any case a job well done is its own reward. If you are doing something well, it will be recognised in time and whilst we all like to hear some appreciation, it is best not to crave for it. Peace of mind will follow if our work and dealings are their own reward.

5. Avoid Jealousy

To follow on from this, try to avoid the green eyed-monster! Life is not fair. Sometimes people less hard working or deserving than you will get ahead of you. Nothing will be gained by blaming others for this misfortune and jealousy will not get you anywhere – but it may play havoc with your peace of mind.
If you are a jealous type then this can often manifest itself in different forms of anger such as sourness or sarcasm. Working with a counsellor can be very useful in helping to unravel this.

6. Be Grateful for Your Joys

At the end of your life you will not wish that you had worked more but you may well wish that you had had more joyous experiences. Joy cannot be chased, but it is likely to find us if we feel connected with other people, or if we receive and give love. Whenever I feel joy I try to be mindful that I am experiencing it. This came about because I used to be in the habit of realising how much of a wonderful time I was having after the event. I have come to feel even greater joy now that I have trained myself to be in the moment as it happens. No joys are permanent. If you experience any, be with them and appreciate them. Be grateful for them after they pass and be ready to accept them next time they come along. Never be afraid to accept them because you fear they will pass!

7. Bear Troubles Graciously

People who complain about every setback tend not to be pleasant to be around. Life is full of suffering - numerous inconveniences, illnesses, problems and upsets, most of which we cannot hope to have any control over. We can try to change the problems which are solvable, but those we cannot are better borne with patience. It can be helpful to remember what the German writer Goethe said: “Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.” Believe in yourself and you will gain in terms of patience, inner strength and will power.

8. Do Not Attempt Too Much

What are you trying to prove? Will your life be better if you take on yet another task whether it be for more money or prestige, better skills or a more successful social life? Is it not better to rest or to spend some time being instead of doing? Clint Eastwood said, “a man’s gotta know his limitations.” This is good advice. Peace of mind is more likely to be achieved by going for a walk, meditating, pursuing a hobby or simply listening to the sounds of nature than it is by adding another thing to your hectic work or social calendar. Remove cluttered time as well as cluttered things from your life! Do not be an adrenaline junkie - if you are worn out, seek more peace rather than more excitement.

9. Achieve as much Balance as You Can

Certainly not getting number 8 right can lead to a lack of balance. Listening to your body is often the best way of achieving a rebalancing. Often it will tell you what you need more of – food, sleep, excitement, love, exercise, rest, peace...whatever it is. We can easily get out of balance if we do too much of one or two activities at the expense of others that we know are good for us. Sometimes that imbalance can be caused by excessive drivenness, sometimes by fear (of failure for instance) and sometimes by selfishness.

Balance is helped by practising something spiritual on a regular basis.
This needn’t be overtly religious, though it can be – prayer or services for instance. By spirituality I simply mean feeling yourself connected to things and a part of the whole. This is important as it is peaceful to feel connected and not isolated. Meditation is another good way of relaxing and calms the mind down a great deal. This can be simple breathing exercises.

10. Do Not Regret

You cannot change the past, but you can change the present and the future. To live your life in the past, especially if that is in sadness is to waste the precious present. I think Sydney Smith was very wise when he said, “Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” If we have done something truly awful (on the level of murder for instance) then regrets are a different matter, but genuine remorse and attempts to put things right may eventually heal all wounds. However, if we always wanted to do something and never did it there is no way of healing that pain. The way around this is to plan to do those things which we know we really must (and which are not impossible!). And of course, it is better to try and fail than not try at all.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com

Are You Looking for More Love on Valentine’s Day? (A Dozen Love Quotes To Inspire You)

Valentine’s Day can be a good day for renewing our interest in our partner or adding a little extra love to the mix.

It’s always a good idea to think about how we can have more love in our lives or at least a deeper love. If you are currently having relationship difficulties, then you might find, like others, that booking a session with me could help you to resolve them. If you are not but would just like some more love anyway, then what follows may be thought provoking for you.

Of all of the things that make life easier, even when it’s really hard, the best is certainly love. Let’s face it, when we are we are giving or receiving love, life does seem to take on a more glowing and happy aspect. Love and happiness are so closely tied, so instead of a dozen red roses, consider these a dozen thoughts ... perhaps not as romantic, but certainly much more useful!

1.You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection. Buddha

We can all start by loving ourselves more. It is well said that if we cannot love ourselves, then we cannot love others. This does not mean being selfish. I am not advocating that you become massively self-absorbed and do things only for your own good. However, unless you accept, respect and love yourself on a deep level, it is hard to offer this to others. Loving yourself more will help you to love others more.

This is often the biggest block to giving and receiving more love. If you do suffer from this then counselling can help a great deal. A good counsellor can work through the reasons for your lack of self-love and help you to correct them. If these are deep it can take time and sometimes be tough going, but the rewards are very much worth it!

2.My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry;
to get my work done and try to love somebody
...and have the courage to accept the
love in return. Maya Angelou

We all want a little more sparkle and happiness in our lives. My experience is that this often comes from the simplest things. It is often more exciting and fulfilling to just sit holding hands and feel connected to someone than it is to go out and do something exciting. Loving someone is not easy, and there will be tears at times, but it is worth it. What Angelou is saying is that love takes effort, time and, above all, courage.

3.To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. - Leo Buscaglia

If there is someone that you’ve got your eye on, then at some point (sooner rather than later), there is likely to be a good moment to let them know. Perhaps they won’t reciprocate, but perhaps they will “take a chance on you” to paraphrase a well-known song. The pain of loving someone and not letting them know, or telling them too late, is far worse than the pain of rejection. And of course, if love does follow for both of you then it can be smiles all around. So go ahead, declare your interest in someone this Valentine’s Day! And if they do say that they have no interest in you romantically, then at least, in time, you can start to move on.

4.Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood. Karen Casey

I have a saying that I often repeat to my clients – “saints are thin on the ground.” We all have faults and most of us have fairly big ones if we’re honest. We should not expect our partners to be perfect. If we go into marriage or other forms of partnership with our eyes open to our spouse’s faults, then that is a good start. Our partner’s faults are part of who they are. Perhaps some of them were even part of the reason that we fell in love with them. Of course, people can change, but they change because they want to and not because we ask them to, and remembering this can save us a lot of heart-ache.

5.Never ask for more love than you are willing to give. Eugene Gourley

On the whole, the more love you give then the more you get back. That is not to say that you should give it for the sake of getting it back, but simply that a very pleasurable by-product of the joy of giving it is that you will likely get more of it back...and if you never do, then maybe your partner is so selfish that they need to be told. On the other hand, if your partner is always doing lovely things for you (and this especially means emotional support rather than gifts) but you rarely find the time to reciprocate then is it time to give them a treat?

6.Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you. Vipin Sharma

It is very easy to hurt or even abuse those we love most. They can be in the firing line if we have a bad day. If you find yourself doing this to your loved one, then (when the time is right) consider apologising for your insensitivity. We all occasionally take those we love for granted, but Valentine’s Day is a good moment to ponder this and try to improve on it.

7. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Robert Frost

Passion can certainly make the world go around. I don’t think most of us need much excuse for a bit of that, and since it’s Valentine’s Day, what are you waiting for! Making love is not just only a wonderful physical feeling but it is one of the best ways of expressing connection, care, intimacy and love. It also releases a lot of endorphins and thus makes us feel better. If you are often tired, don’t let that always stop you, for you will probably find that once you start you don’t want to stop. It is vital, in any case, to find time for intimacy (of any type) with our partner.

Whilst sex is not the most important thing in a loving relationship, it is certainly in the top half dozen for most men and women. If it goes wrong for any length of time it can also end up being a “deal breaker.” Since the vast majority of sexual problems are mental or emotional, and not physical, a counselling session can really help you to overcome this.

8. The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. Victor Hugo

One of the questions I often ask clients who seem unhappy in their relationships is: “can you really be yourself with your partner?” If they say “no,” then that is often the root cause of their dissatisfaction. If we cannot be ourselves then we are not being true to ourselves and thus we cannot give love easily either. If we love another, we must love them despite or perhaps even partly because of their faults (and remember our own as we do so).

9.The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvellous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident. Sir Hugh Walpole

This is the ideal. We all want to find such a soul mate. In reality that may be impossible, but if we can begin to share this sort of spiritual depth with a person then we are certainly onto a very precious thing. At the very least, as the months and years roll by, there can be a very special intimacy and depth in feeling more and more at one with our partners.

10. Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. Rose Franken

Having a lover should be a lot about fun, and some of that means being silly and doing daft things together. In this way we can get in touch with our inner child and feel the joy connected with that. Of course, one of the things that makes someone a good lover is the ability to be playful. Valentine’s Day is a great time to indulge in a bit of that ...I’ll let your imagination run a little wild on that one!

11. In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two. Erich Fromm

Fromm wrote the classic book The Art of Loving, which is a great read. It is important to remember, amongst all these thoughts about love, that however close we want to be to our partner and however much time we spend with them, they are still essentially their own person and we must respect that. If we don’t allow them space and become possessive about them this can end up threatening or even destroying our relationship. It is healthy to respect our needs to have some separate time and interests as well as wanting to do things together.

12. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins

It may be that you are in the wrong relationship and will need to change it at some point, but if not then is there more that you can do to make it better? All of the previous pointers may help as will simply making a decision to make your relationship the most important thing in your life. You may spend more time at work than you do with your partner, but no-one ever dies saying that they wished that they had spent more time at work. Many people do so wishing that they had loved their partner more. Now could be the time to start and if there are issues between you then a counsellor can help with that. I can work with you either as a couple or as an individual to help you resolve some problems.


David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor. You can book a session with him by ringing 01509 556623 or emailing him at David@loughboroughcounselling.com

A Dozen Steps to a Good Start in 2011

Are you planning a new start in 2011?  Are you fed up with the way your life went in 2010?
It’s the easiest thing in the world to make resolutions, but do yours ever stick? 
It is possible to change your life for the better and to feel like you’ve made progress.  You can have a new you, but perhaps not in the way you might first imagine.
A session with a counsellor may help you a great deal with this as many people who see one have had their lives greatly improved by doing so.
I have put together a dozen steps to help you make 2011 more happy and fulfilling.

1.      To change, you have to accept the way you are today. You have to know and accept your limitations. Change can't be your partner’s idea, or your family’s suggestion.   Your motivation has to be behind it.

The famous counsellor Carl Rogers, whose ideas I use in my sessions said, “when I can accept myself just as I am, then I can begin to change.”  Many people have a continuous fight within themselves – for instance whether to eat more of a favourite food or start a diet.  Until they accept that they have found this hard in the past and will in the future, they will hold themselves back.  It is reasonable for each of us to work on ourselves and improve certain things, it is unreasonable for us to expect to change our personalities.  Big lifestyle changes may take years if indeed they are doable or wise at all.

This brings us nicely onto my second point...

2.      Set clear and realistic goals about what you want from 2011.  It’s unwise to decide that you are going to land the perfect job or partner, but it is reasonable to say that you are going to work towards it steadily and allow it to happen.  We all know that setting unrealistic resolutions results in feelings of failure.  Don’t do that this time!

Perhaps the initial goals could be more considered and counselling can help a great deal with that.  Part of a counsellor’s role is to act as either a guide or a facilitator in your struggles through life. Perhaps your perfect job is the one you are in already, or could be with a few small changes. As regards relationships, Tom Robbins said that “we waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”  If your present partner is a good one for you then why not seek to love him or her more?  A good partner will certainly give you the love back.

3.      Don’t try to change too many things at once.  Two or three (realistic) goals are better than ten, as you are more likely to achieve them.

4.      Be positive and have an optimistic outlook.  Dispel negativity from your life.  If there is someone who continually makes you feel bad about yourself cut down or stop the time you spend with them.

Anger needn’t be negative and can be a driving force, but needs to be channelled correctly. Counsellors can show you how to express your anger in such a way that something good comes of it.

5.      Set out to enjoy the year.  If you know that there are aspects of it that will you find hard then accept that, but turn your attention to what is likely to be good.  If you cannot see many good things on the horizon, then build them up slowly one day at a time. Expect and set out to have fun, peace and joy and then you are more likely to have it.

6.      Consider your physical health.  A healthy body will very often lead to a more contented  life.  What is your weak spot physically?  Do you avoid exercise or burn out on too much?  Do you binge eat or drink?  Is your diet unhealthy?  Do you want to quit smoking? 

It will be enough in one year to set one realistic aim about physical health.  Any more than that will likely lead to problems later.  Whatever you decide on as a goal, set about it at a gentle pace.  If you go at it like a bull at a gate, you will almost certainly fail.  In any case with most of the above matters, it may be enough to make improvements rather than 180 degree turns.  For instance if you currently drink 50 units of alcohol a week, attempting to stop completely is going to prove next to impossible, but to gradually reduce it to 20 is doable and very beneficial.

7.      Invest in quality relationships.  If there are people whose company you really enjoy – for whatever reason, then try to spend more time with them in 2011.  Life is short and we should make the most of it.  If someone brings you peace or joy, show appreciation for this and spend more time with them.  Relationships, not work, are the key to happiness, so work at them.  At the end of your life you will remember the golden moments you shared with special people, so aim to have many of them in 2011!

If your present friends aren’t up to much, then consider where you may meet better ones.  Do not expect them to come to you, you have to be proactive.

8.      Find a new challenge.  This might not be a radical departure, it might be doing something we already do slightly differently. It is never good to stay in our comfort zone.  Once we stop wanting to do new things or to do the things we love better then we may as well expect life to start going downhill.  The best option amongst many is not always obvious, but a counsellor can help clarify your thought processes.

9.      Don’t focus entirely on yourself this year, How about making a goal that is for the benefit of others?  It is well known that one of the best ways to improve our own sense of well-being is to help other people.  Especially if you are already well paid, why not consider giving some time or money to help others who could benefit in some way from your help?

10.  Don’t expect the whole year to go perfectly.  There will be setbacks.  That’s life.  Whatever the hardships are don’t focus on them.  Try to keep thankful for the good things that are in your life. The writer Goethe summed this philosophy up well when he said, “enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.”

11.  Plan your finances carefully.  Although money won’t make you happy, having some control over it will help you feel more relaxed about life.  If your finances are already in a mess, then be realistic about how you can start to change this.  If like most of us, they could be better, then ask whether you need to increases your income or cut your outgoings.  It is always vital to put a little money away for emergencies and some away for holidays.  Plan a nice break for yourself and make sure that you have it.  Looking forward to it will give you a sense of purpose in difficult days of the year.

12.  Finally, get started now. Procrastinating will not help as inertia just multiplies. Start in a small way and remember that the journey of a thousand mile starts with a single step.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 01509 556623 or emailing him at David@loughboroughcounselling.com

Getting in Touch With Your Real Self

The eminent sociologist Professor Nikolas Rose has suggested that we live in an increasingly “somatic” society – that is a society in which people get in touch with themselves via their bodies. Contemporary examples of this would be tattoos and body piercings, whilst, of course, food, drink, sex and clothes have been more traditional ones. There is nothing implicitly wrong with getting in touch with ourselves via our bodies. In fact it’s a good thing. But problems may start when that is all that there is. Rose makes the point that many people in the 21st Century seem less likely to search more deeply within themselves than people were in the past, and whilst this makes for some advantages, ultimately, it can lead to a great deal of shallowness and regrets in later life. The most common complaint of people on their death bed is that they didn’t ever get to be fully themselves, yet this is easily avoided if we put our hearts and minds to it.

Philosophers, writers, artists, spiritual leaders and counsellors have all stressed the importance of making the deeper connection with ourselves in order that we can live a more fulfilling life. I have put together some quotes to inspire you to that:

1. If you don't understand yourself you don't understand anybody else. - Nikki Giovanni

It may seem strange to consider that by understanding yourself you can understand others, but whose voice are you hearing when your friend speaks – theirs or your own interpreting and putting a spin on what they said? When we understand ourselves, it is easier to see what we get up to in our heads and feelings and to listen more clearly to others.

2. Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens. Carl Jung

It is good and essential to look outside, but most of the answers to creating our own happiness are within ourselves. We need to go inside to find them instead of ignoring, avoiding or denying the need for this. It is often easier and more comforting to do this in counselling than it is on our own since counsellors are trained to do this. As a vital part of my training, I have made and continue to make the inner journey and can help you with yours. It can be a lifetime’s task – but the good news is that it becomes increasingly easier.

3. Do you want to change the world? How about beginning with yourself? …How do you achieve that? Through observation. Through understanding…There is nothing so delightful as being aware. Would you rather act and not be aware of your actions, talk and not be aware of your words. Anthony de Mello

How easy it is for us to live life on auto pilot, or to do things as we are expected to do them. Many people spend almost their entire lives doing this and yet this is really not to live at all. It is much better to look at what we are doing and why we are doing it and to practise being aware of this in the moment. As a counsellor, I bring the present moment into focus in each session, which can help you a lot outside of sessions.

4. The greatest explorers on earth never take voyages as long as those of the man who ascends to the depths of his heart. Julien Green

How many of will take the time or find the courage to do this? It can be daunting, but this is where counselling can help. A counsellor can act as your guide or as a steady hand as you start to find out more about your inner self and your patterns.

5. It seems to me that at bottom each person is asking, “Who am I really? How can I get in touch with this real self, underlying all my surface behaviour? How can I become myself?” Carl Rogers

My main counselling philosophy is to follow the work of Carl Rogers, who started the Person-Centred system whereby the client becomes the expert on his own life and the counsellor offers him empathy, honesty and respect on his journey. With this approach, my regular clients have found that they are able to be more the person that they really want to be.

6. Go in search of your Gift.
The more you understand yourself,
The more you will understand the world.
Paulo Coelho

Do you know what your best talent is or what it is that you do when you feel most yourself? Whatever it is, that is something to really pursue. Many people spend their whole lives being something that they feel they have to be for other people. If you become aware of this at any point in your life, it is not too late to change it. You can start today.

7. I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself.
Michel de Montaigne

We are often harder on ourselves than we need to be, whether it is by putting down our achievements or slating ourselves for making mistakes or doing something wrong. The last time I checked, saints were thin on the ground, yet because of our conditioning we all feel bad when we can’t reach those dizzy heights. It can help to realise that we are capable of many types of action. Knowing that we are capable of a variety of actions helps us to be less judgemental of others and have more self-esteem for ourselves. In counselling we can learn to accept that we are not perfect and often make mistakes.

8. I've had thousands of problems in my life, most of which never actually happened. Mark Twain

Most of us spend more time worrying about the future and reflecting on the past than we do living in the precious present moment. Just how many of the things you worried about last week actually happened, and of the ones that did, how many of them were as bad as you feared? We can learn from this, become aware (as de Mello says in 3 above) and challenge ourselves to change.

9. The essence of philosophy is that a man should so live that his happiness shall depend as little as possible on external things.
Epictetus

Happiness is a state of mind. Things and other people can be comforting but essentially it’s our own attitudes that make us happy. As well as having studied counselling to MA level, I also have a BA in Philosophy and often use this to help clients put their lives into focus.

10 Lend yourself to others, but give yourself to yourself.
Michel de Montaigne

This does not mean that we should become selfish. Loving and caring for yourself is not selfishness. Only if you love yourself can you give full love to others. It is not a paradox that we should give more to ourselves in order to give more to others. If you feel that you don’t presently love yourself then that is certainly something to be worked on in counselling sessions as the reasons for this may be very deep.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor. You can book a session with him by ringing 01509 556623 or emailing him at David@loughboroughcounselling.com

A Dozen Tips for a Less Stressful Christmas

Depending on which survey you read, Christmas is always somewhere in the top 30 most stressful events of life – it’s often ranked as highly as sixth.  Unlike Christmas, many of the other events are infrequent for most of us (deaths, marriage, divorce, house moves etc). According to one survey, 86% of people say they find buying presents hard work and 65% find Christmas shopping stressful.  60% of people felt stressed by buying a gift for someone only to see how disappointed the receiver was.  However much fun it is, there is no doubt that Christmas is stressful – even for the kids!



So here are some tips for making it less stressful:

1.   Don’t Take Too  Much On

You are not superwoman (or man) and so if you’ve already agreed to host a party and go to a further 2, do you need to add to that?  Think of the stress and not just the potential fun.  There has to be some rest in this busy period.

2.   Plan Ahead with Presents

Buying presents over a few months can take away the stress of having to find them all at once and can also spread the financial burden.  It is nice to shop when the lights are in the shops and especially on Christmas Eve, if you can bear that, but maybe buy just a special present late – and be flexible.  It’s not wise to wait that long for something that’s likely to sell out.

3.   Buy Some Things Online

Checkout queues can be a really stressful thing.  You may even suffer trolley rage.  It is possible to order some food and drink for delivery to your house if you get in quickly enough.  The few pounds you have to pay for this is worth it for the loss of stress!  Many presents can also be bought online.  Do it early or you’ll worry about whether it will arrive in time or not.

4.   Don’t try to Make Everything Perfect

You are not responsible for everyone’s happiness.  It might be your job to cook the dinner and pick the presents, but if Aunt Flo is in an awful mood, or Grandma insists on watching 3 hours of continuous soaps and upsets everyone else, it’s not your fault.  You can help to set the atmosphere, but essentially people will make up their own minds whether they’re going to be in the festive spirit or not.  Which brings us nicely onto...

5.   Treating Alcohol Wisely/Going to Parties

Alcohol could be a friend or an enemy at Christmas depending how you treat it.  Christmas is so stressful that I like to have a small drink just as it’s about to swing into action.  This relaxes me and makes me feel jolly, helping to create a festive atmosphere.  Of course, this does mean just a tipple, as a drunken host or hostess is not a good idea.  If you’re cooking, get someone else to be responsible for drinks.  They should make sure everyone has what they want but doesn’t overdo it.

Since tensions can be high, it’s not a good idea to get sozzled enough that you tell your sister exactly what you really think of her children!  That will greatly increase your stress for a long time to come!  This is less likely if you stick to an amount of alcohol you know you can handle well.

Parties are a great time to let your hair down, but it’s a good idea to drink soft drinks interspersed with the booze during the night and some water before bed.  Overdoing it will often ruin what was otherwise a great night, so one way of dealing with that is to say, as I do, “I am going to drink only 4 pints tonight” (or whatever you know you can handle and not suffer the consequences).  If you plan it that way, then you will find you can stick to a sensible limit more easily.

6.   Dealing with The In-Laws

...Or as a friend of mine calls them, the Outlaws.  If you have wonderful ones then this is no problem at all - move on to the next item.  If yours are not, then, you may just have to steal yourself and accept that it’s going to be a strain.  Knowing what has made it easier in the past can help, as can the notion that you can take 10 minutes out from time to time – agree this with your partner beforehand and work together as a team.

7.   Simplicity

Although there are certain things you cannot avoid putting extra effort into at Christmas there may be others that are so stressful that they are not worth the payback.  It is not necessary to prepare every meal as a gourmet feast or to put up so many decorations that your house can be seen from space.  Even the kids will appreciate doing something more low key for some of the holiday.  If they don’t chill out at some point, there will be tantrums.  Sometimes, less is more.

8.   Charity

Helping others to enjoy their Christmas can greatly help us to enjoy our own and make us feel connected to the wider world.  One way we can feel we have done something really useful as opposed to simply having over-indulged is to give something to a charity at this time of year – whether it be with money or with time.  Don’t get stressed about giving.  Just give what you feel is reasonable for you.

9.   Being Prepared with Christmas Cards

I have got into the habit of starting mine in the last week of November.  I don’t send them out at that point, but I do have them stamped up and ready to go.  I find if I do 5 or 6 cards a night for a couple of weeks, it makes life a whole lot easier.  You can do this in front of the tv, so it’s really not much effort this way.

It’s also useful to have a Christmas card list.  I keep a note of who I send to and who sends to me every year.  Except for very special reasons, if someone doesn’t send me a card three years in a row, I don’t send them one next time.  Why feel obliged to people who aren’t bothered?  Christmas can be a good time to accept that some people go out of your life.  It may be sad, but it’s a part of everyone’s life, and can be stress reducing to realise that you don’t have to hold on to people you met five years ago on holiday or you lived next door to twenty years ago.

10.     Relaxation and Time-Out

It is important to have something planned that is stress free around Christmas.  Many people book a massage or spa session either just before or just after (or both if you have the time and money).  This can de-stress you at a vital time.  A round of golf or playing some other sport can also do this –if it’s not too cold!

Counsellors often have very busy January’s when new clients want to unload their stresses.  It can be good to unburden this to an empathic ear.

11.     Go For a Walk

I often go for a walk on either Christmas Day or Boxing Day, and also on New Year’s Day.  This can be a blessed relief from tv, relatives, broken toys and over-indulged stomachs.  Getting out in nature, especially if there is festive weather can really help to lower stress levels.

12.    Keeping the Faith or at Least Having a Spiritual Moment

If you are a religious person it can be the highlight of Christmas to go a Carol Service, and even if you’re not it can be lovely just to stop and listen to the Salvation Army play some carols.  Don’t walk past, however busy you are!  Stop, throw some money in the box and enjoy a bit of the more spiritual side of Christmas.  Take ten minutes out from the manic shopping and lower the pace of the day and your pulse.
Remembering that Christmas is a happy occasion of celebration and peace towards others helps put the stressful parts into some perspective and keeps our thoughts balanced.

David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.  You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com