tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81358475467504252552024-03-12T17:56:51.302-07:00David SeddonHelping You to Live a Better LifeDavid Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-16437869567046836712018-05-14T09:14:00.000-07:002018-05-19T00:10:28.614-07:00Writing for Therapy<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YeWV7NvJQLQ/Wvmxf3KfWtI/AAAAAAAAAUA/LTwlgx66ZLQEQvAzYzzkNaRn92nh7K2UQCLcBGAs/s1600/P5130834_DxO.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="721" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YeWV7NvJQLQ/Wvmxf3KfWtI/AAAAAAAAAUA/LTwlgx66ZLQEQvAzYzzkNaRn92nh7K2UQCLcBGAs/s400/P5130834_DxO.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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It's 2018's UK Mental Health Awareness Week this week and I've been asked to contribute a poem to Ink Sweat and Tears Online magazine (see below for a link) who are doing a feature to mark the week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being invited was a perfectly timed spur for me, because I have a long list of topics for this blog </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> and writing for therapy is one of them. I've not written a blog article for too long </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> having been overly occupied, and even bogged down, with other matters. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I needed an excuse to re-engage with writing!<br />
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</span><u><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Personal Writing</span></u><u><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br />
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Poetry is one of 3 important Ps for me </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> the others being photography and philosophy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I've turned to the thoughts of great thinkers many times and found them comforting and illuminating, and I've also found wandering around in beautiful and peaceful places with a camera around my neck to be balm for the spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Poetry is similar to photography in some ways </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> you need the right theme for the moment (although sometimes one presents itself by chance and good fortune), a flash of light, patience and hard work </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">– </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">poems nearly always need working on and a good choice of frame (verse structure for instance) so do good photographs </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">camera angles, lens selection, settings and processing, for instance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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I did not start writing poetry as a means of therapy or to get over something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started writing it because I liked poetry, felt greatly engaged by it and wanted to have a go myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can't say that most of the writing I do is for the purpose of being therapeutic, but I can say that quite a lot of it has ended up being that anyway and I've also turned to poetry at some points in my life to express what I was finding very hard to express in any other way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'd argue, in addition, that doing anything you like and which brings you a kind of inner peace is therapeutic </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> after all "therapeutic" means a treatment that heals from disease or hardship...and, most of the time, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>life is nothing if not difficult.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">The one thing I most want to say here is that therapeutic poetry should not be solely about dealing with pain and sadness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just as no good photographer takes pictures solely under stormy or blue skies, but rather tries to portray and reveal what's there as best as they can, so I believe poets should do something similar </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> and I believe that exploring both light and dark are good forms of therapy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good photograph can be uplifting and joyous and take us to a good (and perhaps) better place, and poetry should do that, and indeed does do that, too</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>W</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">hen I write whilst feeling good about something it feels to me as good a form of therapy as dancing is.<br />
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Finding release in expressing strong feelings of any type fits in holistically with my own take on both philosophy and therapy </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> what is the point of just concentrating on what's hard if we can't also begin to move onto what's good?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">I certainly don't want to diminish the power of writing about suffering, but it's well covered that p</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span class=" UFICommentActorAndBody"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody">lenty of work on dark things goes on in writing and therapy and we all can all quote many examples of that, and writing about the process is common. I wanted to add a different angle, and therapy, photography and poetry are normally looking for new angles aren't they. </span></span></span>Nevertheless, it was my father's death that prompted the biggest burst of therapeutic writing for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wrote many poems in the two or three years after his death and also a few during the time he had terminal cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the most powerful method I had of coming to terms with things </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">but many of the poems were celebratory as well as sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I've picked out a poem to include here that shows both sides.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Journey</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">On our route round Connemara <br />
the wind sketched pools<br />
in a wild-flower bog<br />
then blotched<br />
the undug peat with rain.<br />
<br />
On the Ardnamurchan ferry <br />
the swell took us<br />
away from Tobermory<br />
long enough <br />
to watch seals in the bay.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">On Islay, a rainbow</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
the sky opening<br />
its kiosk<br />
with important news </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
I’d got my first job.<br />
<br />
How much I miss you.<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Writing in Therapy</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">All the arts can be therapeutic and the links are strong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which of us, for instance, has not found comfort in a song or piece of music at some point?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are drawn to music at weddings and funerals to mark and express important things. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Art galleries are also places w</span>h<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">ere we can find solace or peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Sometimes an event or situation in a client's life will remind one of the two of us of a poem. It's not unusual for poems to be quoted in my therapy room and people generally find that helpful. </span>It's also been shown by academic studies that writing events and feelings down in a journal can result in greater healing and one study even showed that writing therapeutically can improve you</span>r<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> immune system.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br />
I'm a humanistic therapist so I don't insist on any activity for my clients – there are clients who don't want to write anything down and that's fine, but there do seem to be many more who find the idea of writing things down very helpful </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> and some also like to draw or paint.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have often suggested to ones who are struggling that they might consider writing down their thoughts and feelings – perhaps as a journal, a poem, a mind-map, a letter to themselves or their younger or older selves, or perhaps a letter to another person who has had a profound influence on them (whether positive or negative).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normally, this letter would not be sent – and in most cases it would be impossible or extremely unwise to send it anyway – but that is not the point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Letters enable us to express things that we are holding onto, perhaps in a way that we can begin to move on from them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I've had clients who wrote to fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, lovers, friends, bosses etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of these were dead or were people that the client had no interest in speaking to again but nevertheless felt unfinished business with.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">With a letter, as with a poem, a photograph or any form of art, it's often a good idea to have a few goals in mind before starting to write – it may be important to make 4 or 5 particular points and so it's a good thing to plan for that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it's a letter, I suggest keeping it shortish (maybe 2 or 3 sides at most) as this keeps things focussed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's often a good idea for the letter to have a balance – good things as well as difficult things, as this helps processing and coming to terms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course sometimes there are no good things, or, in the case of a loss of someone who is greatly loved, there may be few or no bad things. It always seems more therapeutic and personal to write things down by hand rather than typing (I do the same thing with my first poetry drafts).</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
I always encourage clients (whether individuals or couples) to reach out for good things as well as to work through bad ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although it's almost certainly bad experiences that have brought them to therapy, I hope for them to be on their journey with a renewed desire to find peace, happiness, joy and contentment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just as it's good in therapy to get in deep with really difficult matters, so it is good to encourage clients to rediscover or re-engage with things that have previously brought them peace – and if there is little of that, then to begin a journey to try to find it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br />
</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">It can help therapy to bring writing (and drawings or other types of art) to counselling sessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes clients find themselves too emotional to read their work out in sessions with me and that's fine. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I offer to read it for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most often we will work through the contents of the writing, but for some people the act of writing and reading is enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Afterwards, some clients may want to keep the writing to hand so they can revisit it, and others may prefer to find some sort of therapeutic and ritual ending for it – just as a funeral says goodbye to a body, scattering the ashes of a piece of writing that you have burned can be a good way of finding some closure.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">To conclude, I have found writing to be healing and helpful in my own life and I've seen how it can also help clients with things they are finding tough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I've also seen how it can be a way of finding and exploring brighter places as well as darker ones.</span><br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ESG7mWm9oQQ/WvmyQzMtUKI/AAAAAAAAAUI/sFNQQo3h0jsFdZEBukeXrS8A21RvlVI8ACLcBGAs/s1600/Looking%2Btowards%2Bthe%2Bbottom%2Bof%2BYarnshaw%2BHill%2Bon%2Ba%2Bbright%2Bmid-November%2Bafternoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ESG7mWm9oQQ/WvmyQzMtUKI/AAAAAAAAAUI/sFNQQo3h0jsFdZEBukeXrS8A21RvlVI8ACLcBGAs/s400/Looking%2Btowards%2Bthe%2Bbottom%2Bof%2BYarnshaw%2BHill%2Bon%2Ba%2Bbright%2Bmid-November%2Bafternoon.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">David is a fully qualified and BACP Accredited and registered Person Centred Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com<br />
<br />
<i>The poem mentioned is called There is Nothing to Me but Sea and was written at a time when I felt too far away from the sea. There was a kind of longing but I still wanted the poem to be upbeat and fun. It's on Ink Sweat and Tears and appeared on 18/5/18:</i></span><br />
<a href="http://www.inksweatandtears.co.uk/">http://www.inksweatandtears.co.uk/</a></div>
David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-91268794371534011932017-03-23T07:00:00.000-07:002017-03-23T07:06:49.087-07:00What is Stress and How Can You Deal With It?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-emSAJzMz4uc/WNPThXpXiKI/AAAAAAAAATk/CUs3jJJxGL4rTND6-R5XV6hjkNf8xQRgQCLcB/s1600/DS142577.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-emSAJzMz4uc/WNPThXpXiKI/AAAAAAAAATk/CUs3jJJxGL4rTND6-R5XV6hjkNf8xQRgQCLcB/s400/DS142577.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /><br />About
Stress</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Stress is not the same as pressure or challenge –
it's when our mechanisms to cope with a situation are exceeded. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's perfectly possible to have pressure or
challenge and do well out of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you've got an achievable deadline, your adrenaline will flow and you may be
energised to do better as a result.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However,
expressions such as “a healthy degree of stress is good” should be challenged, and
I feel they are actually a sloppy use of language where it would be better to
use a different form of words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To
illustrate this: we wouldn't say that a bridge under stress is a good thing,
because this would suggest that it had been put under the pressure of more
traffic than it was designed to handle, which would be a dangerous thing, possibly
leading to disaster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To continue this
analogy, we can think of lorries on the bridge as heavy stressors (bullying, relationship
issues, bereavement, excessive workload over a long period) and cars as smaller
ones (traffic jams, someone being rude or snappy with us, rain on a day when
you relied on sunshine).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The bridge can
only manage to hold so much weight before it starts to wobble and then
collapse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So it is with people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stress is an abnormal not a normal load – it
is damaging for a bridge; for humans it's bad for the body, mind and soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stress is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign
that you have been strong for too long </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">–
in the example of the bridge, engineers should have spotted that the bridge was
close to its capacity for strain and acted in a appropriate manner; in your
life, either yourself or others could and should have changed something before
it got this far.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Stress can build up over a period of time in a
gradual way until we find we reach overload, or one or two really bad events in
close succession can immediately take us into a feeling of overload.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A mixture of personal and background stress can be
very potent </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">– </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">adding
to personal stressors, we live in what might easily be described as the Age of
Anxiety. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Modern life has many troubles, particularly
perhaps for younger people who may come to see current issues stretching out
indefinitely into the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems
impossible to switch on our televisions without hearing about some huge
uncertainty, disaster or problem. The last ten years seem to have had an
increasing amount of troublesome issues: banking crashes, political upheaval and
polarised opinion, famine, terrorism, global warming and extreme weather, species
extinction, the uncertainties of Brexit etc. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without a doubt, workplaces have become more
difficult, with efficiency pressures in these financially limited times encouraging
managers to adopt increasingly task-orientated methods rather than also considering
(as past management styles seemed to do) the needs of the team and the
individual. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Apparently we live in the
most held down wages for many decades, housing is ridiculously expensive, and
many companies seem to want their staff to do more in less time whilst demanding
their loyalty and giving very little of that back in return. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In an employer's market, the psychological
welfare of staff is a low priority –company literature may state it as a
priority but it is usually obvious that this is just window dressing to lull a
false sense of security and to look impressive to outsiders or would be
employees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With all this, it's no wonder
the world feels like a stressful place before we even add our own stuff into
the mix. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
You may be thinking that there are people who are more stressed (or less
stressed) than you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is almost certainly
true, but it gets us nowhere. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Differences
in stress are not just about how different people are able to deal with the
common things they are facing, but also about how one person's ability to deal
with stress can differ wildly at different times because of other factors <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> recent events, personal relationships,
environment, health and energy levels. It's also true that many people also add
to their own stressors by being overly perfectionist or by fearing failure or
success, but that is rarely the only contributing factor.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Reactions to Stress</b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Some common reactions can be:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">• Sweating<br />
• Tight chest<br />
• Increased pulse<br />
• Physical tension<br />
• Tummy troubles<br />
• Sleep issues<br />
• Headaches<br />
• Irritability<br />
• Anger<br />
• Lack of libido<br />
• Skin conditions<br />
• Social withdrawal<br />
<br />
These issues can affect different people with different intensities <b><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">and there's also the
phenomenon of being stressed about being stressed, so that the stress feeds on
itself and spirals upwards.</span></b><b><span style="font-weight: normal;"></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<b>What can we do about stress?</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">When you are stressed it's
important to choose to do things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
may well not feel like doing anything much at all, but you should do things
anyway, because it's only by moving in a<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>different direction that you can change things for the better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If there are things you enjoy doing but have
stopped due to stress then you should probably try to do them again. There are
many ways of coping with stress, and not all of them will be relevant or a good
choice for everyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nonetheless, some
of the ideas below may help and some of them may be things you've done but
given up on or found hard in stressful times:</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Use exercise to relieve tension –but don't overdo it
to start with<br />
Learn your triggers and avoid them – for instance, if certain people or
situations set you off, avoid them when it's reasonable to do so<br />
Reframe the situation (if that is possible) – could there be <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>opportunity as well as difficulty ahead?<br />
Concentrate on positive things more than negative ones<br />
Consider the bigger picture – which might be wholly different from the close-focus
one<br />
Try to laugh – watching a favourite comedy can be great for relieving tension<br />
Get more sleep <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>– if this is difficult try
to take naps when possible<br />
Have more physical intimacy, which is a great stress reliever (and sleep
inducer)<br />
Eat and drink more wisely – drink alcohol sparingly, avoid too much caffeine<br />
Take time out <br />
Treat yourself<br />
Practice breathing slowly<br />
Meditate<br />
Talk to someone you trust about what's troubling you<br />
Ask for a long hug from someone who will be happy to oblige<br />
Look at images of a favourite place or person <br />
Listen to soothing music<br />
Practise mindfulness – being in the moment no matter what you are doing<br />
Find more time for a hobby or start one you've always wanted to <br />
Work smarter not harder<br />
Learn to say "no" when appropriate<br />
Ask for help<br />
Use a positive mantra to repeat in your head when entering a stressful
situation </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">
for instance, "I will be okay" <br />
Do something repetitive – for instance, painting a fence can be very
therapeutic if you are stressed<br />
Accept those things that you can't change and try to change those that you can
change<br />
Do something artistic or creative to release a different type of energy – paint,
write a poem, sing<br />
Lower your expectations of yourself and others – you are probably expecting an
unreasonable amount<br />
Challenge any tendency you have to always think negatively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spot it and say to yourself, "there I go
again, imagining disaster, when it will probably be difficult but fine."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
Try to start becoming aware of when you get stressed. Notice your bodily
reactions as you get stressed and allow them rather than struggle with them –
try saying, for instance, "I am feeling stressed which is to be accepted
in the circumstances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can manage this."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be aware of how you are reacting can have a
lot of power in defusing the stress as awareness always brings some measure of
control.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Going
to Counselling</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Counselling <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>can be a good way to investigate and discover the
causes of your stress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By talking things
through, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>you can understand yourself
better and start to deal with situations better as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A neutral, trained listener can help you unburden
problems and facilitate change to something better – and you can look at
options for coping with current and future situations and change and growth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified, BACP accredited and registered Person Centred and Existential Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to talk about a bereavement,
you can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at
David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-41866163329112269232016-07-24T02:30:00.002-07:002016-07-24T03:37:51.664-07:00Friendship<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wVX3dS2AmFA/V5SKCjoP-RI/AAAAAAAAAR4/baZn3itBwog1YSnS_Y_uo9eH5Z-V-hlHgCK4B/s1600/DS267012.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wVX3dS2AmFA/V5SKCjoP-RI/AAAAAAAAAR4/baZn3itBwog1YSnS_Y_uo9eH5Z-V-hlHgCK4B/s640/DS267012.JPG" width="480" /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2NvJqqpB8w8/V5SKWD0WAVI/AAAAAAAAASA/mRzhW1x1374z2E_v9TV8m0PNPusE0JPOwCK4B/s1600/DS267098.JPG" imageanchor="1"></a> </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Of all the things that
wisdom provides to help one live one's entire life in happiness, the greatest
by far is the possession of friendship. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Epicurus</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A friend is a person
with whom I may be sincere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before him I
may think aloud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ralph Waldo Emerson</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Friendship is one of the most important things in life <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> but what is it, especially
in this age of Facebook "friends?" <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have you stopped long to consider it and what it
has meant in your life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People often talk about friendship in counselling and most
of what follows is a reflection on that. Many useful pointers are revealed when
people talk in therapy, and in addition, both lived experience and those of
good writers reveal some grains of wisdom that are worth passing on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is important to note that there can be
differences between how the genders approach and form friendships <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> but I will leave the reader
to ponder that one.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There can be very little more painful in this life than
finding out that people whom you thought were your friends turn out not to
be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's a<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>common experience<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span>one that most of us go through several times in
our lives <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> and one
that people often come to talk about in therapy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At heart counselling is about the struggle to live an
authentic life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When other people are
less than kind, it can be very problematic because you either have to defend,
protect or withdraw - and you probably don't want to do any of those things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it's someone you've known for a long time
and suddenly you find that they talk behind your back or mock you for something
they either don't understand or can't accept, you may feel doubly betrayed <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> there may be a nagging feeling
that they have been dishonest with you all along.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Thoughts on Friendship</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here are a few things to look out for, each of which comes
up on a reasonably regular basis in counselling sessions:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Accept that some friends are good for certain activities <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> perhaps more than one if
you're lucky <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> but are
not going to be bosom buddies regarding everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this is fine and healthy and normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We should expect nothing more.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you have a friend with whom you can "open up"
freely and speak of deeper emotional things whilst feeling<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>trust, acceptance and support, then count
yourself very lucky.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The truth is that
most of us do not have many such friends<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span>the
sort that you could ring at almost any time with a problem and they'd find time
there and then or as urgently as they possibly could.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To balance things out, ask yourself if you are a friend like
that to anyone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's no good
complaining you don't have friends like this if you yourself are not willing or
able to be one.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Look out for how your friends talk about other friends or
acquaintances in your group when they are not there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be sure that the person who continually
gossips, mocks or talks behind people's backs is also talking behind yours too.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all have to learn this the hard way <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> but do learn it, and instead
find someone who is more genuine and consistent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you find yourself making far more effort to be friendly
with someone than they are with you<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span>sending
texts, calling in on them, trying to start conversations, inviting them around <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> and they just stonewall
you, the message is pretty clear and it's time to put them on the back-burner (at
best).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If a friend is being unpleasant to you, always ask yourself
"who's stuff is this?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they
decide to turn on you for their own motives, it may feel like an attack <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> and perhaps it is on one
level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But on another much deeper level,
they are acting out their own issues and their own agenda.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allow yourself a few hours or days of hurt
and then realise that actually you haven't changed but they have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe something you do triggers their stuff,
makes them feel their own insecurity (when you didn't intend that) or maybe
they are jealous of something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Put that
into the psychological mix when you see them next.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Beware of the power of the large group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is hard to be yourself in such a
group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are undercurrents, cliques,
pre-held assumptions,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>loyalties and
existing biases.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Friends are rarely made
in these situations and often distanced or even lost in them, too.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Similarly, if you have to try to fit in with a group and
they exclude, mock or devalue you because you don't fully do so, work out a way
of dealing with that or else stay out of the group dynamic. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also ask yourself how the lead or most
popular people in that group maintain the group's buzz...is the energy positive
or are there negative undercurrents that also feed it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In therapy, I hear a lot about bullying,
peer-pressure and passive-aggressive behaviours in some social groups.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At its worst this peer behaviour can involve
risk taking, pressure for excessive alcohol consumption, or drug talking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You should always ask how much of that you
want to be exposed to and for how long.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Also beware of the narcissistic friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That's the one who turns every conversation
around to themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However great your
need or recent achievement, this person would rather talk about themselves and
will steer things around to that very quickly (perhaps in less than a
minute).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On social media you will spot
this with great frequency. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People often
crow about themselves <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span>
but more annoying still are the people who hijack other people's threads to
trumpet their own success, instead of being supportive to the original poster.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Be aware of the opportunity and curse of social media in
general...and its attendant shallowness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How many Facebook friends are really friends?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How many would you like if you had to spend a
day with them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No doubt there are some
you've never met that you would get on with very well, and others you wouldn't.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Facebook
comes up in counselling quite a lot <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span>
usually negatively!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some friendships may be unhealthy <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> these can cause feelings of anxiety, stress or
even despair. There is also such a thing<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>as the "Toxic friend" who has a very negative, energy sapping,
poisonous affect on our<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>inner
world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hopefully these
"friends" won't last long and if you spot them early enough, they
will<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>be less problematic than some of
the previous examples (which are more subtle).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes you need to put some effort or renewal into a good
friendship and ask yourself some questions - such as: what do I want from this
friendship, and am I getting it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do
I give to them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does this friendship
feel reliable and balanced?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are there
issues between us that we need to address <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span>
if we<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ignore these issues does that
cause more problems than it saves? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some friendships can survive disputes and the odd falling
out <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span> and maybe bounce
back better <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span>but only
if they are strong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At heart, this is about
respecting the other person's differences from yourself and realising that you
won't agree on everything and that some of their ways are different from yours. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Some weaker friendships may not<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>take the strain of this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Don't expect your friend to be perfect. They aren't. Are you? Remember that saints are thin on the ground. Your friend will probably get on your nerves at some point, that doesn't make them a bad friend. On the other hand, you should expect to be treated kindly by your friends (even if they are saying something you don't agree with). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Finally, remember this <span style="font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">–</span>
friendship is important and of great value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To have a good friend is to have something worth more than gold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The best friends are often those whose mere
company is enough to please you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
doesn't matter what you are doing or saying, just their presence is enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iXOtKCs1z1c/V5SKZojXmqI/AAAAAAAAASI/y7LHGHrri6UI9NYx2ELWdP3UP2EaCYPPwCK4B/s1600/DS267098.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iXOtKCs1z1c/V5SKZojXmqI/AAAAAAAAASI/y7LHGHrri6UI9NYx2ELWdP3UP2EaCYPPwCK4B/s640/DS267098.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-19464085708326769572015-10-24T07:37:00.001-07:002015-10-24T07:37:14.226-07:00Suicide and Suicide Bereavement<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ph8e0g12rA4/ViuW4J0vUnI/AAAAAAAAARc/ciUEJpBLhzM/s1600/P1030185.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ph8e0g12rA4/ViuW4J0vUnI/AAAAAAAAARc/ciUEJpBLhzM/s320/P1030185.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></u></b></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Suicide</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Suicide
statistics across the world are quite alarming - <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>there are around 800, 000 suicides each year.
That's one every 40 seconds, and the rate has gone up by about 45% since 1970.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the second leading cause of death in
15-29 year olds. What's more, for every suicide, it is calculated that
there are 20 people who self-harm. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">If we
look at just England, there are, on average, 4, 800m suicides every year (13 a
day). Suicide has been rising ever since the recession started, although 2006/7
bucked the trend, showing the lowest ever figures in England since records
began in 1861. London, Cornwall, Devon the NW and the NE have the highest
rates. Men are statistically 3 times more likely <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>than women to kill themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There could be a mix of reasons for this - it
is said that "men don't ask for directions, never mind asking for help,"
they are more prone to addictions and are generally more impulsive, which means
they often use more violent and immediate forms of suicide, where there is
little chance of being rescued.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The
highest risk is for men in their 40s and 50s, although this is also a problem
age group for women. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People under mental
health care also have very high rates of suicide, which peaks 1-2 weeks after they
are discharged from treatment - especially if they live alone. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The
military services have a big problem with PTSD, depression and suicide after
combat. For obvious reasons, this has not been widely publicised in the
past, but is now starting to achieve more recognition and attention - and much
more openness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Previously, veterans
would get either no military funeral or else a quiet one -<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>even if they were highly decorated heroes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is now more recognised than ever, that
combat can cause metal health problems and it does not bar personnel from military
honours and funeral procedures.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Suicide
is a serious public health problem but is not treated as such.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's a subject that is avoided by most people
- after all, death is scary enough as it is, and suicide is more so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then there is the link to mental illness that
people imagine goes with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of the
headlines seen in newspapers concerning suicide can be really quite
sensationalised. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though suicide was
decriminalised in 1961, many people, especially the press, still refer to
"committing suicide." I would recommend that we all try not to
use this phrase as it adds to the stigma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To be fair, it is not easy to avoid using it as we have all learnt that
the two words go together - but we should try.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">It's not
easy to talk about suicide and it remains a taboo area.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A typically common reaction is, "you can
talk about mental health, but not about suicide." Indeed, suicide
has been removed recently as a topic from one of the Sociology A Level
syllabuses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When considering the need to
remove the stigma and silence about the subject, this seems nonsensical.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">It is a
good idea to remember that suicide is a point on the metal health continuum -
albeit an extreme one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As such, we should
all be encouraging each other to speak about our feelings, however difficult or
despairing they may be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The most recent
statistics say that mental health problems are reckoned to affect 1 in 4 of us
every year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is worth considering the
following quote:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">"The
average person lies 4 times a day, 1460 times a year, 87600 times by the
age of 60. The most common lie is<i> I am fine</i>."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Suicide
Bereavement</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Suicide
bereavement has unique issues over and above the normal issues of bereavement -
guilt, rejection, anger, shame, numbness, isolation, stigma and despair are
common and often never go away. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
sometimes described as "grief with the volume turned up." It is <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>common for parental sufferers to "blame"
themselves for the rest of their life for "not doing more to help" their
son or daughter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">There is
a massive increase in mental health issues and well-being problems for those who
are left behind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have much increased risks for suicide, dropping
out of jobs and poor social functioning. I think that we should normalise
this because, for instance, the majority of parents suffering suicide
bereavement have suicidal ideation themselves (and feel that they cannot talk
about it and feel discouraged from talking about it). The authorities <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and society do not encourage them to do so: IAPT
offers no support at all from those bereaved by suicide; CAMHS will help
children with ADHD but not those who find a family member dead by their own
hand - however grisly the means.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The
affects of suicide ripple out like a pebble in the water - individual, family,
workplace/school/peers, community, society. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Robin Williams is as an obvious example of
this - though it is true for every suicide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Every suicide affects us all eventually as it affects the society we
live in.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">There is
a particular problem with stigma, as it prevents people from talking about the issue
and thus breeds isolation, insularity and despair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although some stigma may be viewed as "positive
stigma" - in that it that encourages people NOT to commit suicide, most
stigma has entirely negative effects.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">It would
be good for society to move forward in reducing and eventually eliminating all
forms of stigma about mental health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bill
Clinton summed this up well with the following quote: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">"We
shouldn't be ashamed of mental health problems. We should be ashamed of
the stigma about them." </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Support
for People Bereaved by Suicide</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Within
the last fifteen years, it has been recognised that more needed to be done for
those left behind by suicide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The National
Suicide Prevention Strategy was set up in 2002 and various organisations have
been set up since.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Action is the
antidote to despair" said Joan Baez and the following organisations have a
variety of strategies in place to help with both practical and emotional help:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Help is
at Hand -<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a programme that produces
booklets and has a website. Its message is "You are not alone."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">www.supportaftersuicide.org.uk</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">healthtalkonline.org</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Winston's
Wish (for children)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Survivors
Of Bereavement through Suicide (SOBS) </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(believes
that everyone affected by suicide should be offered timely support) </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ifyoucareshare.co.uk</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">facingthefuturegroups.org/</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">In
America, there is www.actionallianceforsuicideprevention.org</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Counselling
is a good place for those who feel suicidal or are suffering the effects of a
suicide bereavement to start to process of moving to a better place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is best to allow a little time to pass
before starting counselling - as a bereaved person is initially likely to
suffer feeling dazed, out of balance and unready for talk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In time, although it is unrealistic to think
anyone can ever fully recover from suicide bereavement, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>they can find some coming to terms, peace and
positivity about the future - and counselling is an excellent way of helping to
bring this about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have worked with
those suffering after they have lost someone through suicide and am ready to
offer my support to those who need it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to talk about a bereavement,
you can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at
David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VHxu65PkdWk/ViuXRSusvKI/AAAAAAAAARk/jAwMYsr2ug4/s1600/P1030691.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VHxu65PkdWk/ViuXRSusvKI/AAAAAAAAARk/jAwMYsr2ug4/s320/P1030691.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-51270552465557930652014-01-25T03:44:00.001-08:002014-01-25T04:49:58.048-08:00How Much Joy is there in Your Life?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3wvzd3dhgFE/UuOi1hckBSI/AAAAAAAAAQw/xqeU-1WCQ74/s1600/Lake+and+Willow,+Whatton+Gardens,+leics.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3wvzd3dhgFE/UuOi1hckBSI/AAAAAAAAAQw/xqeU-1WCQ74/s1600/Lake+and+Willow,+Whatton+Gardens,+leics.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the
pain.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Joseph Campbell</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Whenever new clients tell me that they are depressed, unhappy or lost in
life, I always make it a point to ask them early on in the counselling
sessions, “do you have any joy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if
so when do you have it?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of them
answer, “no,” and I feel that this answer has much to say about the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I think of joy as a bit like a barometer in a person’s life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I often remark to my clients, “one ounce of
joy is worth a ton of pain.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Joy is
explosive stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It smashes though pain,
sorrow or despair like nitro-glycerine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However bad things are, experiencing some moments of joy can be like a
fuel that keeps us going and makes life worthwhile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this respect, the only other things that I
can think of that keep people going through really difficult times are love and
meaning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both of these are good, but neither
seems to spring from nowhere and both take time and are sometimes hard to find.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is something about joy which can
feel like revelation or transcendence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It adds a bit of what feels like magic and often <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it doesn’t seem to have taken much work at all
– it just comes – sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes by doing something we can
connect to.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">First, I want to define what joy is and how it differs from happiness,
pleasure and contentment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pleasure is always
fleeting – whether or not we feel later that it was full or empty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one would want a life without any
pleasure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would be awful and dull
indeed; but like eating chocolate or spending money, no amount of it can make
you happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happiness can also be
fleeting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although more sustained than pleasure
and deeper for sure, it could be here one hour and gone the next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One may have a perfect day in the sunshine one
day, for instance, and then someone very close may die the next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That seems to be the way life is at
times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although contentment isn’t quite
so keenly felt as happiness and you may not get quite the same buzz, it is more
lasting and deep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a general
feeling that life is good and that there is a lot more to enjoy than to suffer in
a typical stretch of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not
possible to be content one day and not the next, although ones levels of
contentment can go gradually up and down with the events and feelings brought
upon by life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many philosophers and
psychologists have said that it is better, and more realistically sustainable, to
be content than to be happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Joy is something different, a bit of an X Factor ingredient, in fact.
You’ll certainly know if you’ve had it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It feels a little bit like a lightning bolt or feeling on the wave of
something marvellous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may be there in
those moments when we feel that life is wonderful and it is good to be
alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems to come from within but
also seems to connect with what is outside of us on a profound level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Richard Wagner commented that, “Joy is not in
things; it is in us.” Unlike pleasure which seems to come from something
outside of us, joy seems to spring up from inside.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Joy usually lasts anywhere from a few minutes to a whole day and there
may be lucky times when it visits frequently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Many people comment that these feelings arise when they are in nature,
perhaps sitting in a field of wild flowers or walking in a wood and listening
to the birds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of us find it when we
are in love - especially when we make love – the sense of connection can be
deep and powerful - sex is normally pleasurable, but when it is joyous it seems
to tap into our life-source and can be transcendent. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people feel it with moments of sporting
success or with the arts – music and dancing are often quoted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The poet Keats said that, “A thing of beauty
is a joy for ever,” and so we can see how the arts and nature would tap into
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes being with a friend and
finding yourself suddenly at one with them can also bring it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spending time playing with children,
especially our own can also bring it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hobbies can bring moments of it, too, and those who have religious faith
will also speak of knowing joy from time to time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And most of us know that giving can be joyous
– much more joyous than receiving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">These things all have in common a sense of being connected (even if
momentarily) to someone or something that seems to make us fully alive and take
us beyond ourselves to a wider sense of the specialness of things around us and
beyond us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moments of joy can be closely
connected to our “inner child.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children
seem to tap into joy more than adults....think of “jumping for joy” and you
think of yourself as being childlike or perhaps like a new-born spring lamb
discovering his legs for the first time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What happens to us as adults to deprive us of that?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">When one has joy, there is a sense of freedom - of being like a bird;
and when one has despair there is a sense of heaviness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Joy resolves into peace, whereas if you are
in despair a sense of stagnation and meaninglessness is sure to follow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been reported (for instance by a Macmillan
Cancer survey) that people turn to moments of joy when they recall what was
good about their lives. These moments made them feel that their lives were good
and that it was great to be alive, and they feel buoyed up by that as death
approaches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Near to their end, few
people seem to be consoled much by the gods of pleasure and money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course it is good to have had those, but
they won’t ultimately give anyone a sense that life has been good. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">C S Lewis commented, “I sometimes wonder whether all pleasures are not
substitutes for joy.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If he were alive
today, I suspect that he’d probably say just how much truer that was now than
it was when he wrote it – for the world is getting fuller and fuller of
pleasures, and distractions – most of them offering instant gratification and
triviality rather than something deeper. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For instance, one wonders how many people who
find themselves addicted to Facebook would want or need to be so wrapped up in
it if they had moments of joy in their lives.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Given how explosive and enlivening joy can be, one begins to see that,
no matter how bad things are in a person’s life, it can blast though it –
perhaps not permanently – permanent changes take time – but enough to give a
sense that things are going to get better and that the world is not such a bad
place after all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When people are depressed,
that is what they need to feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
need to feel that life is worthwhile and that there is something in it that can
make them feel good.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Counselling can be a perfect place to explore joy in your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you have any?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is it and where does it come from?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When are you likely to experience it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you don’t have any, why not?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is there someone who helps you to find
it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you somehow sabotaging it or is
someone around you trying to do that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did
you have it in the past or as a child?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Have you stopped doing something that you used to do that brought you
it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have you started becoming overwhelmed by the
cares, responsibilities and jobs of this world rather than allowing a space for
joy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">This is why I always talk about joy to my clients who come saying that
they are depressed, have no meaning or feel lost, sad or lonely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know from my own life and those of previous
clients just how powerful a force joy is and how it shifts things and brings
hope. Finding joy or at least creating the conditions were joy might arise can
be an important way of moving out of depression. Joy can be a barometer showing
how a person’s life is.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP Accredited Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to talk about joy in your life, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by
ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at </span><a href="mailto:David@eastcheshirecounselling.com"><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid</span></div>
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-69956599125267811532013-07-24T09:29:00.000-07:002013-07-24T09:32:25.117-07:00When to Use the F Word with Your Partner<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AaFWfK4OUIQ/UfAAO_BVGsI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/KMSMkZGaGgM/s1600/Misty+Trees+Near+Buxton.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="260" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AaFWfK4OUIQ/UfAAO_BVGsI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/KMSMkZGaGgM/s400/Misty+Trees+Near+Buxton.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The famous (or infamous)
Anglo-Saxon swear word is often thought of as one of the most powerful words
that anyone can use, but it has a tiny fraction of the force of another word
beginning with f.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This other word is one
of the true heavyweights of the English language.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you haven’t already guessed, that word is
forgiveness.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Done whole-heartedly, the act of forgiving is one of
the most sacred and powerful things that anyone can do for another person (and also
for themselves, as we shall see).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
poet </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Alexander
Pope described it like this:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“To err
is human; to forgive, divine.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Throughout our lives we are likely to
be called on to forgive – friendships, work colleagues, lovers, team mates
etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is even more likely to be the
case with family and partners, as these relationships tend to be deeper and
more permanent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is impossible to stay
in a long-term, important relationship without forgiveness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all human and even the best of us mess
up and hurt those we love from time to time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s not the hurt itself, but how you deal with that counts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">It is often
not an easy, simple or minor thing to forgive someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Mahatma
Gandhi said that, “the weak can never forgive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we are deeply hurt, it can feel almost
impossible to forgive the perpetrator of our hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Sometimes the hurt party has every human need
and justification to feel the pain of his or hurt first before they can move
on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feeling the hurt first is often an
important part of making the forgiveness deeper and longer lasting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How odd it would feel if we did something
awful to someone and they immediately said, “I forgive you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The chances are that we would not feel
forgiven, and such quick pardon may not help us shed our feelings of guilt. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes it takes time to forgive.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br />
</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">What is Forgiveness?</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">F</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">orgiveness <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">means the giving up
and renunciation of anger, resentment, bitterness and offence, but i</span>t doesn't
mean condoning hurtful behaviour. <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It means that whatever the previous
disagreement or wrongdoing, we will no longer seek to punish, give out
“justice,” get our own back or demand any sort of restitution such “sack-cloth
wearing” from another person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We pardon
them completely and make them free of all debt (whatever its nature).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forgiveness should be unconditional and willing,
BUT there is a proviso, and one that is absolutely vital in a healthy
relationship:<br />
<br />
The hurt party needs to feel respected and<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>not abused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often in life if
there is a yin, there’s a yang – and here the necessary opposite is repentance,
remorse and contrition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before both
parties can move on, the person who caused the hurt needs to be able to
recognise that what they have done is wrong and accept that there have been
some consequences – such as anger, pain, broken trust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>P</span>atience is also important with deeper
hurts - dismissing a partner’s feelings, especially betrayal, by telling them
to "get over it," is insensitive and crass </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">and seems to
attempt to minimize or justify the wrong.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They need to be able to commit to not
repeating the hurtful behaviour and to making amends for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Making amends could be something like
treating the hurt partner to something special (and recognising that sometimes
a bunch of flowers just doesn’t cut it). <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Sometimes Enough is Enough</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Experience
tells us that there are some hurts that we will never be able to forget –
especially if it there are serious repeat offenses. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a partner is continually abusive (whether
physically or verbally) or unfaithful then there nearly always comes a time
where one says, “enough is enough.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
best still to try to move on – but this may have to be done without the errant
partner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forgiving a cheating partner
can come down to whether we loved the partner before the cheating occurred.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you already feel like strangers, then an
infidelity can be a good reason or excuse to end things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you do love them, then (in time) things
can be rebuilt; and forgiveness is the key to that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">What about Forgiving and
Forgetting?</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">As human
beings, our pride often howls at us to take revenge. Even if we don’t want to
say or do anything straight away, we may at least want to keep a “guilt card”
in our pockets, to be whipped out later in order to trump another person’s ace:
“so what about the time that you did this to me...”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can probably all admit to having done this
at times – and then probably witnessed how it hurt the person who thought
they’d been forgiven or degenerated into a long list of offenses from both
parties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lists of grievances cause a lot
of damage and intensify, entrench and deepen any rift - but forgiveness means
trying to move on from it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In short,
it’s about valuing the person you love MORE than the wrong they did to you once
upon a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
Henry Ward Beecher said: “I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another
way of saying, I will not forgive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note – torn in two, and burned
up, so that it can never be shown against one.”<br />
<br />
That is true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once the note has been
ripped up, the injury should not reappear as ammunition during every major row.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That doesn’t mean that the hurt party becomes
“a mug” and is cornered into a position where they keep getting hurt and keep
forgiving. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It also doesn’t mean that we
should keep forgiving someone who doesn’t even recognise that they are being
hurtful. <br />
<br />If you love someone remember that your relationship with them is your primary
concern; not scoring points, counting sins or showing who is right or wrong.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The Benefits of
Forgiveness</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">“When you
forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.”<br />
Bernard Meltzer</span></div>
Forgiveness can lead to: <br />
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>more love</div>
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>feelings of understanding, empathy and
compassion for the one who hurt you. </div>
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>more energy (holding onto grudges is very
wearing)</div>
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>healthier and more adult relationships</div>
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>better psychological, spiritual and emotional
well-being</div>
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>less hostility, bitterness, anxiety and stress</div>
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>less risk of depression</div>
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>less chance of addiction to drugs or alcohol</div>
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>the release of pressure that might otherwise
build towards a poisonous or negative atmosphere</div>
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>greater connection and depth in our relationships</div>
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>the pleasures and sweetness of “making up”</div>
<div style="margin-left: 20.25pt; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Conclusion</u></b><br />
<br />
Most of us know people whose lives are dominated or even defined by grudges, hate,
bitterness and resentment? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In reality,
this poisons them more than the people who these feelings are aimed at.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s far better to let it all go and to
forgive and move on. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
Corrie ten Boom showed saint-like forgiveness, probably beyond that which most
of us could manage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After WW2, despite
initial difficulty, she forgave both the German concentration camp guards that
she had previously tried to rescue Jewish prisoners from and been held prisoner
by, and the Dutch collaborators who had acted against her; yet she said this: “Forgiveness
is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we consider her example, perhaps forgiveness
for lesser crimes may seem less onerous.<br />
<br />
If you are still struggling to forgive someone but would like to, then counselling
can be an option.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have had many
clients who have felt that coming to talk to me helped to clarify matters so
that forgiveness could be found within a workable and positive framework.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP Accredited and registered Person Centred
Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can book a session with
him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<br /></div>
<br />
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-20971627834981910032013-06-23T06:43:00.001-07:002013-06-23T06:43:27.427-07:00Loneliness and Isolation<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When the Police sang Message in a Bottle they were
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“More loneliness than any man could bear<br />
Rescue me before I fall into despair...<br />
I’ll send an SOS to the world.<br />
I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It seems that loneliness is all too prevalent in the
modern world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This morning, I switched
on the news only to hear that a recent study has found that the rise of
technology and social-networking sites has only made people feel more
isolated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is because texts have
replaced phone calls; emails have replaced letters; Facebook has replaced face
to face meetings with people we actually know or have met at least once.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On top of this there is now a rise in people
living far away from where they grew up - finding their friends and family
scattered to the four winds. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In modern
Britain, according to the 2011 census, 30% of people live alone – this is much
higher than most countries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Greece and
Italy, for instance, have less than 10%.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In addition, increasing levels of redundancy in Britain are adding to a
sense of isolation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some recent studies
have shown that people who live alone are up to 80% more likely to suffer from
depression as those who don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bereaved
and recently divorced people can be particularly at risk as can the elderly in general.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Loneliness can affect anyone. The hugely successful
Australian Olympic swimmer Ian Thorpe wrote not long ago of how his depression
was fuelled by a sense of isolation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
described that “Lost in Translation moment” when you are in a big city, surrounded
by people but feel utterly alone and alienated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He said that there could be moments of utter dread, despair and
meaninglessness in this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Loneliness has been the subject of more poems,
stories and works of art than you can shake a stick at and we have famous pop songs
such as The Beatles’ Eleanor Rigby. It can not only cause unhappiness, but can
also lead to low self-esteem and confidence issues and depression and anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can make you feel that you don’t want to
get out of bed, that there is nothing to live for and that you life is going
nowhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In short, loneliness can feel
like a very empty space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">How to Deal With Loneliness</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></u><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Loneliness is as much a part of life as night
and day and thunder, and it can be lived creatively, as any other experience.” Clark
Moustakas </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">There are several pieces of good news in the
bleakness of loneliness, and counselling can help reveal and channel them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The first good piece of news is that each of us is
in the same situation – in one basic sense, we are all alone and always will be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a flash of light, we are born screaming
into the world, displaced from the comfort of the womb; and when we die no-one
can step through that space with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Philosophers call this existential isolation – the sense that even those
of us who have the best set of close friends and family possible, or the most
connected of romantic relationships, can still never quite escape the fact that
they are alone in their head and in their body. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But, if we go back to The Police song I started this
article with and you keep listening, you hear this:<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Walked out this morning, I don't believe what I saw<br />
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore<br />
Seems I'm not alone at being alone<br />
Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
Sting is saying that once you realise that you are “not alone at being alone,”
then there is some comfort there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The situation
is universal and completely unavoidable, so there is not much point railing
against it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is better to dance with
life and its problems than to fight or avoid it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can do that by acknowledging (in a
trusting friendship or relationship) that we do feel alone and sharing that
vulnerability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shared vulnerability
creates intimacy – and intimacy mitigates against isolation. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
A second way that you can address your isolation can be to talk through it
and work through the reasons for it in therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It can take a while to get to the stage where you are ready to take enough
courage to reach out and start to alleviate your loneliness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be a long job, but it is worth it and
for many people the question “which is worse feeling lonely or getting out
there and trying to be more social?” has the answer “being lonely.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ian Thorpe talks about forcing himself to go
out and socialise - 'Fake it till you Make it' – and this is not a bad idea
because just about everything, no matter how hard, gets easier with
practise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good therapist will not,
however, try to force their client to be more social.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will support and guide on the journey
towards that.<span style="color: black;"> It can take a long time, but most clients
just need a patient and skilled helper to be with them on that journey.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">A third way is to learn and use the difference
between loneliness and solitude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
philosopher Paul Tillich expressed it like this:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Language...
has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it
has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Another philosopher, Blaise Pascal, famously
wrote: "All of man's miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in
a room alone."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Essentially, the issue in one of connection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you feel connected to your inner-self, a
passionate hobby or nature then you are far less likely to feel lonely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Studies have shown, for instance, that
walking in nature relieves depression and that writing poetry does, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both connect you to something deep - walking
to nature, poetry to your inner-self.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Unfortunately, a very typical modern way of
dealing with loneliness is not to explore it (and turn it into solitude), but
rather to be busy with all manner of distractions and activities. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is common now to see people surrounding
themselves with ipods, televisions and mobile phones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A grand cacophony is created by this great
need and desire to be plugged in -<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but
within this people are actually unplugging from themselves. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many people find a great number of
distractions to avoid their loneliness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some of these can be healthy up to a point– reading and sport for
instance; whilst comfort-eating, smoking and heavy drinking are more damaging. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But all distractions form a temporary crutch
from loneliness. They do not remove it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">My experience with friends and clients is that the
more they try to hide from loneliness, the more it comes up and bites them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good counsellor will suggest a different
route – one of exploring and embracing the pain, of discussing its roots and
patterns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This can result in many tears,
but in time, it also liberates the sufferer and enables him or her to start
working with being alone as solitude instead of loneliness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is one reason, for instance, why many
people choose to go on retreats – far away from the isolating distractions of
modern life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have heard many people
say that they “found themselves” in some wild and peaceful place. There is no
trick or magic to this even though we may be inclined to think that there is. If
you think about it, in a quiet place you are dropping your connections to
shallow distraction and instead finding deep connections to nature and
yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, it can help if you
choose somewhere beautiful like Snowdonia or Iona. </span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Solitude can be deeply nourishing and a space for
you to listen to your heart and soul and recharge and re-examine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is so sad that so many today run in fear
from it. As well as having its own benefits, there is another positive outcome
in that finding a deeper connection to yourself is likely to put you in a much
better position to connect on a deeper level with others later on.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">A fourth way is to engage with something or
somebody that you love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love and passion
are great removers of isolation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To have
someone who is like a soul-mate whether as a friend or partner can be a
tremendous joy. However for those alone, having someone in your life like that is
not vital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can engage in a deep and
fulfilling way with a hobby or another passion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Many of the great artists, writers, scientists and philosophers lived a
more isolated life than most people but didn’t feel the suffering so acutely
precisely because they had something that they were deeply engaged with –
something they loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Engagement like
this has to be on a deep level – as explained above, it is no use engaging with
shallow things as that merely increases loneliness in the end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">I often ask lonely or depressed clients which
hobbies they have dropped over the years or which they have always wanted to do
but never got around to; and then encourage them to re-engage with these.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Summing
Up</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<u></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"></span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Erich
Fromm was well aware of the issue of loneliness and how it connects to
depression and meaninglessness – he wrote “Modern man is alienated from
himself, from his fellow men and from nature.<b>”</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">It
needn’t be like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can change it
and going to counselling as a first step can set you well on your way to doing
so.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to book a session to talk about loneliness, you can book a face to face, telephone,
email or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at </span><a href="mailto:David@eastcheshirecounselling.com"><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/SeddonDavid</span></div>
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-25820874943339262222013-04-15T03:21:00.000-07:002013-04-15T03:22:15.237-07:00The Importance of Good Listening<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hkg7GuFacGI/UWvULMMqeRI/AAAAAAAAAPc/FCGuwwGAL0s/s1600/DS051028.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hkg7GuFacGI/UWvULMMqeRI/AAAAAAAAAPc/FCGuwwGAL0s/s400/DS051028.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It is often said that many counselling clients claim
that the most important and useful thing that they take from counselling is
that they feel listened to and understood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No matter how good a counsellor has been at helping them to clarify, focus,
or to facilitate change within them, their skills as a good listener might
still feel the most important of all. This
might be because there is a perception that bad listening is endemic in society,
and that it is hard to find some who will fully listen to us. Perhaps there is truth
in the saying that “</span><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">home is
where you can say anything you like cause nobody listens to you anyway. “</span></div>
<h6>
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal;">People have commented
how good listening is a valuable though sadly rare aspect of life, throughout
the centuries. The ancient Greek philosopher </span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Epictetus understood the importance of good
listening when he said: </span><b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal;">“we have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as
much as we speak.”</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Maybe
the world would be a better place if more people followed that wisdom! </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>General
George C. Marshall, more recently, gave this as his formula for working with
people:</span></h6>
<h6>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">1) Listen to the
other person's story;<br />
2) Listen to the other person's full story;<br />
3) Listen to the other person's full story first.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></u></h6>
<h6>
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The Many Different Types of Poor
Listener</span></u></h6>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Poor listening comes in many different forms - and I
am sure most of us have met quite a few of the poor listeners I will mention
below.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">There are those who give our thoughts short-shrift
or are just waiting for an opportunity to steer the conversation around to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At its worst, most of us will have
experienced this in a narcissistic friend who gave us a few seconds on our
problem and then interjected with something like, “oh yes, I’ve got that
problem too...” then the rest of the conversation is about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then there are those people who have a
very small attention span and can’t listen to anyone or anything for more than
a few seconds - long-time teachers will tell you how this situation has got
worse over the years – probably since the advent of television and computer
games.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are those that are outright
rude and will reply to any attempt to talk about personal matters with a put
down such as, “ooh, don’t tell me about that, I don’t want to know!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or there is the opposite type of person - the
one who definitely DOES want to know!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But they only want to know so that they can spread around whatever you
tell them as gossip –probably adding quite a bit extra for spice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then there is the listener who hears your
words but cannot read your emotions and just doesn’t pick up the subtler clues;
or those who have “enough problems of their own,” or who don’t want to hear
about your successes, but are more than happy to tell you about theirs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are also those that switch off when you
try to talk to them, those who are impatient, those who filter everything you
say through their own experience and values, those who are busy thinking of how
they can reply to you rather than listening to you, those who will judge
everything you say, those who are “know-alls” and insist that you do everything
their way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are also the more
subtly useless ones – those who appear to listen and will keep nodding but
don’t actually have any empathy, sympathy or interest in what you are telling
them at all – they are effectively giving the impression of listening and
understanding but have switched off internally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With all those types of bad listener around, we are lucky if we do have
one friend, work colleague or relative who is a good listener and does not
model any of the above behaviours.<span style="color: black;"> David Augsburger
stated that “an open ear is the only believable sign of an open heart,” so if
you are surrounded by poor listeners, the problem can cut quite deep.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">How Good Listening is Central to Counselling</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">"Deep listening is miraculous both for listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand. Sue Patton Thoele </span><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></u></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Counsellors are trained, highly focussed, deep
listeners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could write pages about the
many things that a counsellor can help you with, but those things all belong in
different articles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good counsellors are
trained to listen and to listen well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
don’t just listen to people’s words, we listen to the tone of their voice,
their body language and their mood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
notice how they walk into the room, how they sit down, what they do with their
hands, how they breathe, how they change from one meeting to another. We pick
up on both overall patterns and subtle clues and learn to use our intuition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For instance, we sometimes offer tentative
perceptions about what people appear to be feeling but not saying; and we learn
to listen to our own responses to what people say in such a way that these
don’t filter out the other’s message but highlight and focus it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Counsellors call this sort of listening <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Active Listening</i> and there is a real
skill to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is something that is
hard to achieve without real practise – and counsellors get lots of that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In addition to this, of course, a counselling
room is set up so that there will be a minimum of distractions – there aren’t
many places where you can get that undivided attention and focus in this busy
world of ours!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Many of my clients tell me that the experience of
being truly heard by another person is a deeply healing experience. Along with
the listening comes empathy, acceptance, non-judgemental neutrality and a
certain amount of experience and knowledge that comes from having done a lot of
training and work with and about people with a wide variety of problems. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The listener not only feels understood and
completely heard, but the listening also reveals that there is someone who does
have a genuine interest in their life and general wellbeing. A good counsellor
won’t tell you what to do, but they will help you to clarify, help you see lots
of different angles on issues, help you explore options and above all help you
to get in touch with and value your true self. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In short they will facilitate your own change and
growth - and most of that springs from being a highly trained listener.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
It is often a life changing experience for a client to have the opportunity
to explore their thoughts and feelings in a supportive, safe, confidential and gently
challenging space. <span style="color: black;">I am sure that Dr Ralph Nichols, “the
father of the study of listening,” was right when he said that “the most basic
of all human needs is to understand and be understood. The best way to
understand people is to listen to them.”</span><br />
<br />
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-90128208005515297152013-02-15T06:20:00.002-08:002013-02-15T06:20:37.391-08:00Low Self-Esteem and How to Change It<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QSbrMQnK7yU/UR5Dnuby-VI/AAAAAAAAAO4/K7a1T1-CIK4/s1600/DS149754.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="290" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QSbrMQnK7yU/UR5Dnuby-VI/AAAAAAAAAO4/K7a1T1-CIK4/s400/DS149754.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
If you carry low-self esteem around with all your life it’s a bit like attempting
to go on a long walking adventure and setting off with a 20 kg weight in your
rucksack when most of your fellow walkers have packed light. The chances are
you will not enjoy the trip as much as the others, you may lag behind and be
more tired when you reach the top.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
are also likely to compare yourself negatively to others if you don’t get to
the top.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, you can choose to change
your level of self-esteem which can either eliminate or massively reduce the
load.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Do you believe that you really deserve good things
in your life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If not then that is one
sign that you are probably suffering from low self-esteem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s surprising how many people who outwardly
look confident, successful or both are suffering from hidden low self-esteem. You
may think, for instance, of all the well known and “successful” people or
celebrities who have become addicts of one sort or another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most often, addiction to one thing or another
(alcohol, drugs, food, sex, gambling, work, power, control) is a sign of low
self-esteem, since it allows a hiding or avoiding place from dealing with feelings
of self-dislike.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Some people suffer from chronic low-self esteem which can become an ever
present problem in most things that they do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Although many of these people may not indicate low self-esteem as their
main issue, it is insidious – quite often people who come to counselling with
one problem or another end up talking about or describing their low self-esteem
at some stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this way, low-self
esteem can be like a shaky foundation to everything - a problematic base to other
life issues and perhaps the cause of some of the other issues, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Furthermore, these other issues are normally
not satisfactorily or permanently resolved until some work is done on the underlying
self-esteem problem. Other people may find that their self-esteem can vary at
different times as a result of the quality of the relationships and experiences
they have: good ones can help build up self-esteem - a run of bad ones can signal
the start of a self-esteem nose-dive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
What Causes Low Self-Esteem?<br />
<br />
“Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.” <span class="st">Nathaniel
</span><em>Branden</em> <br />
Some people hold false beliefs about themselves which they do not question. Even
if other people question these beliefs, they think of them as facts and not as
opinions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To make matters worse, low
self-esteem can become like a vicious circle where the more you believe you are
not worthy, the more it feels true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
can also be a strong catalyst for self-sabotage - more things will go wrong in your
life partly because you are starting off by having no belief that you can do them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Low-self esteem often originates from early
relationships with our parents or siblings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Perhaps we were sent the message that we weren’t important, perhaps we
were ignored, neglected or abused and internalised the message that it was our
fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many people develop low-self
esteem after being bullied at school (even though statistics show that most
people are bullied there at one time or another); others find that their first work
or romantic relationships were hurtful, controlling or destructive in some way
or other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes a number of bad
experiences can have a cumulative effect on how we think of ourselves;
sometimes an incident from the past can trigger low self-esteem in the present.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
How You can Change Things and What that May do for You<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">None of this means that it is easy change how you
feel and think about yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not
a small thing to alter patterns of self-esteem and you cannot just flick a
switch or go to one session of therapy and change it forever. What you can do
though is begin, and it beginning that is the most important thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can begin by being aware and accepting
that you have a problem and by valuing yourself and your future happiness
enough to want to change it. As the Buddha said: “You yourself, as much as
anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To start to change things, try focusing on your
positive strengths.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>List a dozen
achievements and dozen good qualities that you have – if you find this
difficult that may in itself be a sign of low self-esteem - ask a trusted
friend and you may be surprised by the results.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is important to note that I am not suggesting that you swing heavily
the other way and become all puffed up, egotistical and even narcissistic (as my
previous blogs indicated, narcissists have deep down low self-esteem, in any
case).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having good and deep self-belief
is none of those things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You might also
try looking at your negative beliefs, asking yourself if they are useful and
where they come from. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You might ask what
you would rather focus on instead.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">People with high self-esteem have better self-love
and it is certainly true that if you can love yourself you can love others
better. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As Ayn Rand said, “The man who
does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those with better self-esteem will not only
find that others start to treat them better, but also, and sometimes more
importantly to their overall happiness, they will find that they treat others
better, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As one example, to give
love confidently can be amongst the greatest joys of life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Counselling and Some Books to Help</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Counselling can help you change your patterns of low self-esteem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Indeed, just deciding to go in the first
place is a personal statement that you value yourself and would like to improve
things for the better. A good therapist can help you to highlight what your
negative patterns are when it comes to your self-concept.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You might find it useful to discuss and work
through past experiences – even if they are painful, you can perhaps lay some
old ghosts and forgive yourself and others and move on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The past cannot be changed but how you think
about it and how you approach the future can be.<br />
<br />
As often in life, acceptance is a most vital thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we love someone unconditionally, we accept
that they have weaknesses and will occasionally mess up or even hurt us, but we
still love them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Start to believe that
about yourself, because you are worthy of it! You may feel that you have room
for improvement – and indeed you might, but then again, who doesn’t?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I often say to my clients, “saints are
thin on the ground.”<br />
<br />
Finally, there are many good books around about helping your self-esteem,
but I have found these two to be particularly useful to my clients:<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Ten Days to Great Self Esteem – Dr David Burns</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Taming Your Gremlin – Rick Carson</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KVfQoksjqtw/UR5Dx05bsPI/AAAAAAAAAPA/B6X-KPSxFmg/s1600/DS149762.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KVfQoksjqtw/UR5Dx05bsPI/AAAAAAAAAPA/B6X-KPSxFmg/s320/DS149762.JPG" width="236" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to book a session to help you
with your self-esteem or another issue in your life, you can book a face to face, telephone,
email or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at </span><a href="mailto:David@eastcheshirecounselling.com"><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/SeddonDavid</span></div>
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-21514747788361992212012-11-16T06:02:00.001-08:002012-11-16T10:31:17.175-08:00Narcissism Part 2 – Dealing with Narcissism and How Counselling can Help <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As I explained last time, most of us have some
narcissistic traits, but people with narcissistic disorder are relatively rare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let us remind ourselves that when discussing
narcissism it is vital to draw a distinction between someone who may act
selfishly from time to time and someone who is so wrapped up in themselves that
they may have either narcissistic style or narcissistic disorder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We wouldn’t say that someone who gets
occasionally sad was suffering from depression, nor must we call an
occasionally insensitive person a narcissist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is about degree. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nevertheless,
most of us know people who broadly exhibit several of the narcissistic qualities
I discussed last time and it is useful to describe some typical encounters with
people high on the spectrum.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<u>Friends, Bosses, Parents, Lovers – give them your ears (and then your eyes
and everything else)</u></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A narcissistic friend will be the epitome of “it’s
all about me,” and will have a habit of steering every conversation around to
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you tell them about your
problem, you’ll get about 20 seconds on it, before they say, “oh that happened
to me too,” and then you’ll get many minutes of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their theme tune could well be Queen’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I Want it All and I want it Now</i>. They
will want to bring most things that they do to your attention as a piece of
drama – whether it is good or bad, it will be the “best” or the “worst.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever you have done – even it’s a major
achievement - they’ll have a story to trump it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They will be in touch when they need something from you or when they
have something to boast about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Of course, all of us like a little bit of attention
from time to time – that is not in itself narcissistic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On Social Networking Sites, like Facebook, there
is often an inherent base-level narcissism which most of us are party to - but it's always a matter of degree. Those on the higher end of the
narcissistic spectrum may stand out with much stronger attention-grabbing
behaviour and won’t allow drama to escape them for long.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If you have a narcissistic boss, he or she is
probably thoroughly uncompromising, driven and insensitive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will demand that their every instruction
is followed and will often fly into a rage at the least provocation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is likely that everyone in the work place
will fear and dislike them and although some may be taken into an inner circle,
that is always at their great risk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
quite simply best to keep your head down and get on with things – or better
still move to another job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Narcissistic spouses and lovers are hard work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are uncompromising about getting their
own way – whether subtly or forcefully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Normally, they simply cannot and will not consider your feelings, and at
the times that they do, it is likely to end up proving to be fake and simply a
ploy to keep you on side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will tell
you anything that they feel that you want to hear so that they can get what
they want from you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Typically, a narcissistic lover will seem extremely
charming to start with, but this charm hides a vampire-like quality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a new lover seems initially almost too
good to be true or even like a fantasy, then this is a massive danger sign: high
levels of initial charm and sex-appeal are easy for a narcissist – if you think
about it, it goes with the territory of “look at me,” and a drive for adoration
and specialness. Alas, strongly narcissistic individuals do not consider their
lovers as people so much as a source of “supply” to feed their need to boost
the false self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They want what they can
get from you – usually sex, affirmation, money, attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One way you can spot this is that if you challenge
them on that or anything else they have upset you about, they will often fly
into a rage and say that, “it’s all your fault.”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Narcissistic lovers often resemble the plate
spinning act in a magic show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They may
well have several sources of “supply” and when they get bored with one ex-lover
they will visit the others in rotation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In any case, a typical narcissist exhibits very insecure attachment and
can feel emotionally overwhelmed or swallowed up if partners get close or
feelings are intense. It’s the excuse they need to run and leave you feeling
abandoned, though they are highly likely to be back – and each time that they return
they will lay on thick charm and say how foolish they have been. Possibly the worst
news is that narcissists will not feel guilty for their hurtful past behaviour
because they are unaware that they have broken any moral rules, or they are so
focussed on themselves that nothing can disturb their view of events.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, they will want you to focus on their
pain, however badly they treated you.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Narcissistic parents are very problematic and are
one of the most damaging experiences possible for a young child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most experienced therapists could tell you
how they have had clients whose lives were severely damaged by a narcissistic
parent who saw them merely as an extension or reflection of their own
importance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Obviously when you are very
young, you need attention and lots of positive affirmation from your
parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not hard to see how a
parent who is wrapped up in them self can cause big and lasting problems in
this area. As an example, I have heard of parents who left their young children
home-alone or out on the streets, unsupervised, whilst they went off to the pub
all night to be with their friends and get drunk; and parents who saw their
children solely as reflections of them self - as a type of style accoutrement, not
allowing them to express any independence or individuality. It is worth noting
that psychologists describe a very strong correlation between narcissism and
addiction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is often said that “all
addicts are narcissists, but not all narcissists are addicts.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In therapy, the results of narcissistic parenting
need careful unpicking, but it can be done with patience, understanding and
warmth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It takes time, but children of
narcissists do work through their problems in therapy and move on.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoTitle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoTitle" style="text-align: left;">
<b><u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal;">How can Counselling help with Narcissism</span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">A lot of
clients come to me explaining that they feel depressed or have an anger or
relationship issue, however, I have had only two that came claiming to be a
narcissist - and neither of them turned out to be very high on the spectrum.
Narcissistic people tend to think that they have no problems that need change because
they believe that problems in their life are caused by others and never by
themselves. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even so, I have seen many
clients who come because they have had a narcissistic parent or lover.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There can be a great many emotional scars if
you’ve had a close relationship with someone who has used you and treated you
selfishly.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoTitle" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"></span><u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal;">Working Directly With Narcissism</span></u></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">In working
with narcissism directly, therapy revolves around encouraging the </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">exploration and then expression of
the narcissist’s real self, as opposed to the accumulated layers of falsity and
arrogance.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyone who
wants to change must first become aware of any of </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">the biases or distortions that they
hold against them self – or as Carl Rogers put it, “in order to change I must
first accept myself just as I am”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since
narcissists practise denial, that is hard work for them since they would
struggle to see why they needed to change.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoTitle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoTitle" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">A counsellor will also work with how a narcissistic person
relates to others, so that they can begin to see them as people rather than objects
for their own satisfaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although progress
can be slow, with the support of friends and family as well as a counsellor, it
can be done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In therapy, it is important
to encourage the right things and give positive feedback for greater honesty,
kindness and shows of vulnerability rather than for achievement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Narcissists like to show off about
achievements and not about the depth of their relationships, but unless they
are encouraged to move away from that progress can’t be made.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good signs of progress would be an increasing
ability to share and recognise other people’s rights. Narcissists also need to
be encouraged in their attempts to subdue long held feelings of expectation and
specialness.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Working with People Who Have been Hurt
by the Narcissistic Behaviour of others</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist
then you will probably have been very badly wounded by the experience and it
will have left you with many more questions than answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good therapist will offer you warmth and
understanding and allow you to tell your story and then to begin to explore and
work through it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Narcissism is one of
those subjects that all therapists are likely to be very aware of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s something we learn about as we qualify
and it’s something that often comes into the therapy room – normally a client
suffering the effects of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Therapy consists of many parts, but one of the key
ones is rebuilding the self-esteem of those who have been ill-treated by a
narcissist – because they sometimes have a very special way of making you feel
bad while they feel good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s about
getting to the truth and building up from there and about allowing clients to
have their own self-view even if an alternative one has long been thrust upon
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can also consist of ways of
talking to narcissistic personalities – there are ways in which you can get
them to moderate their behaviour and how you do this is inevitably quite subtle
– but it involves working with respect, boundaries, flexibility, avoiding
triggers, preventing becoming seduced by narcissistic delusions and
openness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good therapist can help you
with all of those. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If you are involved with someone who is on the
narcissistic spectrum but not at the far edges of it, there is every chance
that you can build a better relationship with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Studies show that the way to moderate their
behaviour is via three things: awareness of and openness about what they are
doing, receiving (and then learning to give back) unconditional love and going
to therapy to work through their issues. Above all remember that what
narcissists crave is love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They don’t
understand it and find it very hard to accept, but it is what they need.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It is also important that the therapist facilitates
the client in working out why he or she was attracted to the narcissist in the
first place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is there a pattern of being
attracted to such personalities?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If so
what is it about them and what need is being met in the client and where does
it comes from?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By exploring these
issues, it is possible for a client to move on to a situation where they can
avoid a repeat, and the next time they encounter a person whom they find
attractive but concerned about, they can say, “hmm, I see the lure here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know what I am doing and I know where this
goes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not going to do that this
time.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many clients are helped by this
method.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To sum up, if you are in a close relationship with a
narcissist, it is going to be hard work, but you can learn to cope better with
things and repair any damage that has been done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Working with the right counsellor in therapy
can help you to move forward.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to tak about narcissism or any other problem, you can
book a face to face, telephone or skype video session with him by ringing 07578
100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Os1qI5QcgBQ/UKZHbmTiY6I/AAAAAAAAAOg/4YwIJFX6oNo/s1600/P1010385.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Os1qI5QcgBQ/UKZHbmTiY6I/AAAAAAAAAOg/4YwIJFX6oNo/s400/P1010385.JPG" width="313" /></a></div>
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-82746847248945698752012-11-09T08:36:00.000-08:002012-11-20T04:24:43.934-08:00Narcissism. Part 1 - What is it?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kOr95kHNLs0/UJ0vBvf2EnI/AAAAAAAAAN4/mOl_pMJoGeY/s1600/DS247465.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kOr95kHNLs0/UJ0vBvf2EnI/AAAAAAAAAN4/mOl_pMJoGeY/s400/DS247465.JPG" width="322" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It
is often written that narcissism is the most common personality disorder in the
Western World.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the West, we live in a
society geared-up to be narcissistic. We are surrounded from birth with
messages about putting ourselves first, gaining instant satisfaction and
advertisements about what we need to “improve” ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, when we switch on the tv, we find others
described as “The Weakest Link,” or are encouraged to vote for people with
little talent so that they can become “a celebrity.” Is it any wonder that in
primary Schools the most common thing that boys now want to be is a pop star or
a footballer, and girls a model or “famous?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As an ex-teacher, I know that it was not that way 15 years ago so this
adds to the evidence of a recent American study saying that narcissism is on
the rise.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">That sort of shallowness, fakery and tendency
towards selfishness is typically narcissistic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But as a humanistic counsellor, I feel that it is very important to
prepare some groundwork before I discuss in detail what narcissism is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although I take a pragmatic approach to the
use of psychological labels, a few important facts need to be registered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the one hand, we are all different and
whatever our emotions or personality we shouldn’t be flung into a
grouping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be too easy to label
someone “a narcissist” when in fact they may have other problems or be in need
of support rather than approbation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Further
there is something in Jung’s notion that what we are most repulsed by is
something we see a little of in ourselves. It may be easy to spot narcissism
partly because we have some narcissistic traits our self!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the other hand, we all use labels like
“depression,” “anxiety,” “stress,” “anger,” and “paranoia,” and counsellors do
consider the patterns in people’s lives as they work with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It would frankly be negligent of any
therapist to see someone who had obvious symptoms of a psychological problem
and then to completely ignore that fact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And at its worst, narcissism is a problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it goes much deeper than that, because often the narcissist's behaviour is chiefly a problem to other people - they are most unlikely to think that they have a problem at all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In one sense we can realise that, from a helicopter view, for every ounce
of anger we have for a narcissist’s behaviour, we could have a balancing ounce of
pity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be a narcissist is a pitiable
life – a life shorn of the possibility of love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And, paradoxically and ideally, one of the ways to help them heal (especially those with less narcissism) is to show them
real love – whilst, of course, being strong to their problematic behaviour. Most narcissists's are quite depressive, angry and deeply unhappy people. If you are involved with one, their behaviour can be so bad that it can hard to think of them with any pity. And that is fair enough. When things are very bad, we often need to protect ourselves immediately and substantially. Looked at from another perspective - the one of someone not invoved in the situation, the narcissist's life is shambolic, wasteful and miserably unconnected to real life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">What is Narcissism?</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Let’s start by saying what narcissism is not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It frustrates me when I hear people use the
phrase, “it’s good to have a healthy degree of narcissism.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is sloppy language.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What they mean is “it’s healthy to have some
self-love and strong self-esteem.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
that’s true - but that is not narcissism. Without self-love and self-esteem we
cannot function healthily or form loving relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, actually, a large part of what defines
narcissism is an inability to love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
narcissistic heart is hardened to itself and to all others, too. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may appear that narcissists “love
themselves too much,” but they certainly don’t inside.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Narcissism comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus –
a story that is much more complicated than it first appears and which has many
nuances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would take too long to tell
the popular story here, though you can find it here: <a href="http://www.echo.me.uk/legend.htm">http://www.echo.me.uk/legend.htm</a> - but
it is important to note that Narcissus is not purely a figure of ridicule and negativity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is also seen as a wretchedly pitiable
person who in the end, through facing what he has become turns his hardness
into a beautiful flower.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although the
hardest of narcissists are almost beyond themselves with the depth of their
problems, the vast majority of them are capable of positive change with some
support.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Let’s be honest, having been brought up in a system
that encourages it, most of us in the West have some narcissistic ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is vital to be aware that Narcissism is on
a continuum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A person with a little of
it (which is most of us) can cause the occasional problem with others, but it’s
really not anything you need specific therapy for; a person with quite a lot is
likely to cause relationship problems on a regular basis; a person with a great
amount of it is probably causing chaos wherever they go, but may be completely
unaware or in denial about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
latter two types would benefit from therapy and those who have to suffer their
behaviour might need therapy even more!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoTitle" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Typically a
strongly narcissistic personality is all about maintaining front and
bluster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite the popular notion that
“narcissists are people who love only themselves,” that is only a surface
appearance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Deep down. narcissists do not
like themselves and the more they appear to do so, the deeper the self-hatred
actually is at heart – though no narcissist worth his salt would ever easily
admit to that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, narcissism is
actually about promoting a false self to cover the real, damaged and hurt self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Much research has been done on this and it
seems that the root cause of narcissism is often in a dysfunctional early childhood.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoTitle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoTitle" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Some
narcissistic behaviours would include: entitlement, grandiosity, pride,
inflated sense of importance ( and occasional severe feelings of inferiority),
manipulation and objectification of others, a readiness to treat others coldly
and indifferently as an indication of the fact that they have no present use,
exploitation of others, an </span><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">emotional shallowness (love, even for the self, is hard or impossible for
some narcissists),</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"> exhibitionism, magical thinking (a
belief that things they touch will just work out like some sort of magnetism), tendency to rage for little
objective cause, high levels of jealousy, deep shame (often hidden), feelings
of emptiness, a tendency to first idealise and then devalue people as they tire
of them, an inability to empathise with others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sadly, narcissists tend to have </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">little insight into their own behaviour and tend to blame others for
their problems.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Types of Narcissism</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Definitions are always hard and problematic, but on
the continuum, the different strengths of narcissism are often said to be:
first, Narcissistic Tendency where a person has some traits which come to the
surface occasionally (at the lower to middling edges, this includes most of us);
second, Narcissistic Style (where someone exhibits a noticeable and problematic
level of narcissistic behaviour); third, the actual Disorder, which is again
split into three types – Fragile, Exhibitionistic and Grandiose – being increasingly
difficult to handle in that order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I will give the briefest of outlines of the three
types of Disorder here – whole books have been written on the subject. Typically,
a Fragile Narcissist probably has some idea that he or she has big problems and
is quite a sad and obviously needy figure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
desperately want love and can have lots of good qualities and be quite
lovable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They want to be helped but find
it very hard and often sabotage things for themselves. Unfortunately their
behaviour can cause those around them a lot of problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">An Exhibitionist Narcissist is best imagined on the
stage, saying “look at me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Adore me,
praise me, love me, worship me!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
sure we can all think of people a little like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They tend to be only interested in themselves
and will do anything and trample anyone to get what they want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will rotate any spotlight so that it falls on them. They have a drive towards perfectionism and
drama, but it can be very brittle and they often come crashing down with it.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A Grandiose Narcissist is amongst the most difficult,
demanding and destructive personalities you could ever meet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Typically, they cannot accept that they have
any sort of problem and are 100% sure that everyone else does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have just about the full list of
characteristics mentioned earlier – and most of them in spades.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unlike the Fragile Narcissist they are
difficult to like though do like to pour on false charm to begin with, and
unlike the Exhibitionist, they are not at all entertaining.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will use people on a daily basis and
cause a great deal of suffering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be
in a relationship with one whether they are a friend, lover, parent or boss is
to suffer; and to suffer with little chance of change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thankfully, they are not around in great
numbers, though most people will meet a few during their lifetime. I talked about having pity for a narcissist earlier. That might be true from a helicopter view, but if you have a grandiose narcissist causing misery in your life, then you are likely to have a very justifiably opposite position. It is much easier to feel pity for other types of narcissist.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Do be careful about labelling someone as “a
narcissist.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They may well be displaying
narcissistic behaviour, but that is not the same as being a narcissist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember that none of us are perfect and ask,
is this behaviour fleeting and trivial or is there a pattern of very selfish
and insensitive behaviour? If you strongly suspect that someone close is a
narcissist, take great care and seek help and support. Your relationship with
them will not be easy.</span></div>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Part 2 of this article will be about Dealing with Narcissism and How Counselling can Help</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to tak about narcissism or any other problem, you can
book a face to face, telephone or skype video session with him by ringing 07578
100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></div>
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-87928303987041185672012-11-02T05:56:00.002-07:002012-11-02T05:59:20.756-07:00When the Kissing Stops - the Danger Signs in Relationships and How Counselling Helps<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p2Cpj_MDTKY/UJPBt6tJxHI/AAAAAAAAANk/t1joQ6X5_Ww/s1600/Poppy+Field.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p2Cpj_MDTKY/UJPBt6tJxHI/AAAAAAAAANk/t1joQ6X5_Ww/s400/Poppy+Field.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most people wish to be in a relationship in which they feel safe,
loved, valued, appreciated, needed and free to be themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In an ideal world, we’d like our partners to respond
to us in the right way at most times and in most situations. However, none of us are perfect and this isn’t
always easy and sometimes relationships can come under great strain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you are in a relationship that is suffering because one
or both of you are constantly very angry, then there is probably quite a lot of
work to be done if the relationship is to thrive again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The word “constantly” is the key here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anger is normal in relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, anger is another form of
passion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A big argument can bring lovers
closer together as they realise just how much they really love each other - and
making up can be very sweet and result in red hot passion that nobody wants to
miss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anger is a form of energy and as
long as it is expressed reasonably and sensitively then it can be a positive
force for change in a relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
there is a difference between acting anger (which is bad and may include
threats, blaming and contemptuous comments) and expressing anger (which is fine
and is simply saying that something has irritated you and commenting on how you
feel about that without blaming).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
discussed the nature of anger and how to deal with it in a previous Blog here: <a href="http://davidseddon.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/anger-some-ways-to-think-about-and.html">http://davidseddon.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/anger-some-ways-to-think-about-and.html</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I have also written about Verbally Abusive relationships
here:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://davidseddon.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/what-is-verbally-abusive-relationship.html">http://davidseddon.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/what-is-verbally-abusive-relationship.html</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>If anger becomes
internalised, repressed or trapped then it can turn into resentment and
bitterness which is an altogether more corrosive thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Resentment can turn to contempt, which is
just about the most toxic thing that can happen to love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anger also tends to snowball and people who
have a variety of things to be angry about often unleash the whole lot at their
partner, especially when tiredness is present.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When one partner is overly tired and resentful about something there
could be fireworks, but when both are tired and frustrated it can become nasty
very quickly. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Some Relationship Danger Signs</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The kissing stops<br />
Constant criticism and sniping (by either or both of you)<br />
Anger about specific incidents turning into a general character assassination<br />
Avoiding doing things together<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(even
something as simple as watching tv together)<br />
Treating the other with contempt<br />
Emotional and physical withdrawal from the relationship<br />
A lack of intimacy (either physical or emotional)<br />
Being irritated by things that once seemed minor <br />
Lack of conversation except about trivial things like which tv channel to watch<br />
Not listening to your partner and either shouting or walking off before they
get their message across</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kissing is a particularly good indicator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have no desire to kiss your partner it
is likely to mean that your relationship is either in trouble or is soon going
to be heading that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Couples who kiss
even after a very bad argument are effectively saying, “although I really don’t
like what happened just then, I do love you anyway, and things can be worked
out.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not kissing becomes a habit that is
harder and harder to break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the start
a long-term relationship some partners make an agreement to always kiss before
bed even if they are very angry with each other – perhaps to the extent of rage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That can be hard in the heat of the moment,
so a quick peck is sufficient while you calm down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does diffuse things just a little and the
words of wisdom from older people about, “not going to bed on an argument,” is
one of the soundest pieces of advice you’ll ever hear about relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are worked up and can’t agree until
morning then at least the pre-agreement for a quick peck says something
positive about your overall relationship and settles a little tension.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In a problematic relationship, it is often much harder to
kiss your partner with any real affection than it is to have sex with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are two sides to sex – the physical
drive and need that each of us has; <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and
the intimate, affectionate, connecting
side that expresses love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In healthy
relationships both are happily and satisfyingly expressed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If there is bad feeling around, our bodies and
brains can still crave or want sex and they can<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>lead us into thinking it’s ok to have it (because we can tune into the
driven side whilst ignoring the feeling that affection is difficult), but they won’t
allow us the same license with kissing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
possible that sex can provide a release from the tension of anger (after all
anger and sex are both strong passions and energies) and also some physical
release and satisfaction for both partners even if they have come to dislike
each other; but for kissing to work properly there has to be more than just a raw
physical connection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For this reason, kissing
often disappears before sex in troubled relationships.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Intimacy and Communication</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For Intimacy to happen, you need vulnerability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the things that start to happen in a
troubled relationship is that vulnerabilities are discouraged and sidelined. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you suspect that your partner is going to
be harsh on you if you show a weakness or sore spot, then that is very
undermining for the relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
better times they might have felt inclined to be supportive of you but now you may
feel that you’d rather hide or bottle up your vulnerability as to reveal it is
to invite a negative judgement. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Loving
partners appreciate that you can’t always be strong and that even the best of
us has times when we need a little help with something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Showing and allowing that creates a nurturing
and cherishing bond between you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of
course, the wider implications of hiding vulnerability are dangerous – when you
stop sharing your human problems it is not long before intimacy shrinks away. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can also lead to a vicious circle, as your
partner feels angry that you have withdrawn and in turn their anger encourages
you to stay away and withdraw even further.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Entrenched positions can come very quickly, when with a little
vulnerability or thoughtfulness, they might have been lovingly dealt with.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Communication problems abound in troubled relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You might not only stop spending time with
one another, but also develop crossed-wires – when the partners are trying to
communicate but the message is not being accurately picked up by the
other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gary Chapman wrote about this in
his book The Five Languages of Love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
Five Languages or ways in which lovers show each other how much they love one
another are touch, words, gifts, quality time and acts of service.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be interesting to ask your partner to
rank them in order of importance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
may agree about some of them and not others, but being aware how your partner
likes to give and receive love can be enlightening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If one person likes to express their love by
doing things (acts of service) for their partner - e.g. washing their car or
baking them a cake - and the other wants and needs words (but doesn’t get them),
then there could be issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both
partners may feel unloved when they are both trying to communicate love in the
way they find easiest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Situations like
this might be easily solved with discussion, a little awareness, or via counselling. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Couple Counselling</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Unfortunately, most couples with relationship problems take
a long time to turn to therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a good
idea think of a relationship as being a bit like a different kind of ship - one
that sails on the sea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes it
needs maintenance and an investment of time, and if it gets a hole or two in
it, then it can be repaired if both partners decide to put some effort in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, the more and bigger the holes are
allowed to get before repair, the more likely the ship is to sink in a storm or
even a swell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a real ship gets
damaged, its owners bring it into dry-dock for essential repairs before the
damage starts to rot it away– we should do the same with our relationships.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Counselling is the ideal method for sorting out difficulties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am always surprised and pleased how often
couples tell me, at the end of sessions, that they have just discussed issues
that they would have avoided or never have got around to on their own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The careful facilitation, rule-setting and
guiding hand of the counsellor easily allows an exploration of otherwise
difficult areas. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Occasionally, harsh
words and difficult things are said, but this can clear the air so that things can
start to get better. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is much
healthier to have honest expressions of anger or frustration rather than to
repress them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes things are brought
up that were previously only vaguely in awareness for either partner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talking when a neutral and supportive person
is present can open up a lot of issues and feelings and bring about several
breakthrough moments.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A couples’ counsellor can help you to improve your methods
of communication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can help you to
remember why you fell in love in the first place, how to rediscover your sense
of play and fun, and identify and start to change negative patterns of
behaviour between you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In counselling,
you can change and build a healthier and happier relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you would like some help with your relationship, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by
ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at </span><a href="mailto:David@eastcheshirecounselling.com"><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/SeddonDavid</span></div>
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-55398966658208957982012-10-28T03:49:00.001-07:002012-10-28T04:11:29.869-07:00Working with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – How to Stop the Clocks Going Back from Controlling your Mood.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T7MZBtHvoa8/UI0NOP1BjnI/AAAAAAAAAM8/NbRbYjrn0DI/s1600/Snow,+Sefton,+Liverpool.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T7MZBtHvoa8/UI0NOP1BjnI/AAAAAAAAAM8/NbRbYjrn0DI/s320/Snow,+Sefton,+Liverpool.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Studies in the UK show that up to 25% of people are affected by Seasonal
Affective Disorder (SAD), with about a quarter of that group suffering it badly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The problem is worst in the Autumn and Winter
months, especially after the clocks go back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>2012 has been a very rainy and overcast year so the problem will
probably be worse than normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
As society has moved away from jobs that are outside in the sunlight the incidence
of SAD has risen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The problem is caused
by a serotonin deficiency due to there being less light entering the eye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although people who suffer it can feel things
getting marginally worse, it can often just hit them all of a sudden. It can feel
a bit like Summer one day and Winter the next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>SAD can badly hamper a sufferer’s ability to cope on a day to day
basis. It causes a variety of problems such as depression, eating and sleep
problems, anxiety, poor concentration, low libido, a weakened immune system, mood
swings, social difficulty, tiredness and a variety of behavioural and physical
problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you tend to suffer from
mood swings or lowness anyway, then SAD is only going to make things worse.<br />
<br />
There is a positive side to this - there are ways that you can help to
overcome SAD, otherwise known as “The Winter Blues.”<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 46.35pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Finding Time with Loved Ones and Pets</div>
<div style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
If you have people in your life that make you
feel happy, bring you some joy, relax you or make you laugh, then you should
try to spend more time with them when you are suffering from SAD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pets are also great for making us feel better
at any time but particularly when we feel bluesy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div style="margin-left: 36pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-left: 46.35pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Listen to Uplifting Music </div>
<div style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
Cheerful music can really raise your mood and make
you more open to life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Singing along to
jangly pop songs in the car or to songs that you associate with happy moments
in your life can have a marvellous mood enhancing affect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some people, classical music can be very
de-stressing – even if they would not normally choose it.</div>
<div style="margin-left: 36pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-left: 46.35pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Go to a Counsellor</div>
<div style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<b><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Talking about your issues with an experienced
counsellor can be a tremendous release and they will be able to help you look
at and find options for dealing with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I use many different strategies for helping people deal with depression
and low mood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is also likely that
there are other issues behind the SAD, and that these make the emotional
lowness worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can help you to explore
that and support you in working through it.</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-left: 36pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-left: 46.35pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Get Better Sleep</div>
<div style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
It is not surprising that poor sleep can affect
us badly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have written a previous
article about ways to help with better sleep and can certainly work with you on
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you manage to sleep better you
will find that the symptoms of SAD are reduced.</div>
<div style="margin-left: 36pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-left: 46.35pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<b><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Light Therapy</span></b><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></span></b></div>
<div style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<b><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Lack of light is said to be the basic cause of the
problem, so experts have suggested that additional light is also the cure. You
can buy special light boxes which can boost serotonin levels and it may be a
good idea to simply spend more time outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If it’s raining this may not seem very pleasant, but even poor outdoor
light is better than no outdoor light.</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-left: 36pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-left: 46.35pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<b><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Make a Diet Change</span></b><b><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></span></b></div>
<div style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<b><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Diet can get out of balance very quickly,
particularly in the winter months and the festive season, when we might
over-indulge a bit more for celebration or comfort.</span></b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sugary, spicy or fatty foods can be very bad
whilst raw and wholemeal foods and foods containing lots of vitamins and
minerals can be very good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some herbal
teas are excellent for mood and health – these include chamomile, spearmint and
peppermint.</div>
<div style="margin-left: 36pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-left: 46.35pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<b><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Exercise More and Maintain Your Sex Life</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<b><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Exercise is a good way of boosting your mood – in
the short term, at least - as it releases endorphins and gets your heart
pumping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dancing is particularly good
for mood lifting as it can feel joyous, and swimming helps you to feel
spiritually and physically supported.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
walk in nature can connect us to something outside of ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is no surprise that regular sex can help you
to feel better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>SAD can lower your
libido and make you feel very unsexual, but you may be surprised that going
ahead and having it anyway will boost your endorphins, release some tension and
help you to feel connected to someone, more alive and loved.</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-left: 36pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-left: 46.35pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Consider Alternative Therapies</div>
<div style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
Massage, acupuncture and EFT (tapping) can be good
for helping with a brighter mood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some aromatherapy
oils such as Bergamot and Neroli can create an uplifting atmosphere whether you
burn them or put a few drops in the bath. </div>
<div style="margin-left: 36pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you are suffering from SAD this Autumn and Winter, don’t wait
until it gets really bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Try one of
the above options to help you through it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to book a session to help you
with SAD or another issue in your life, you can book a face to face, telephone,
email or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at </span><a href="mailto:David@eastcheshirecounselling.com"><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/SeddonDavid</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ihDtcbgXIX8/UI0Nhh9C5DI/AAAAAAAAANE/uo9ourl_NPU/s1600/Walking+the+dogs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="257" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ihDtcbgXIX8/UI0Nhh9C5DI/AAAAAAAAANE/uo9ourl_NPU/s320/Walking+the+dogs.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<br /></div>
David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-41902996741700896982012-10-22T13:00:00.000-07:002012-10-22T23:26:35.008-07:00Managing Grief<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6fwmICeFmjA/UIWk1maG_pI/AAAAAAAAAMY/BPxTuS-y7Mg/s1600/Tree+at+sunset.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6fwmICeFmjA/UIWk1maG_pI/AAAAAAAAAMY/BPxTuS-y7Mg/s320/Tree+at+sunset.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We try to tell ourselves that death only happens to other
people, other families and other sets of friends, but we know deep down that we
are not immune from it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alas, death has
become the great taboo of modern life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Victorians were fascinated by and happy to
discuss death but sex was a huge taboo to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Today it’s the other way around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The present avoidance might have something to do with the fact that the
media likes to push images of youth and vitality at us and also the decline of
organised religion.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Each of us will have to deal with the death of someone we
love and it goes without saying that this is a very hard thing to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, not too long ago, it was my
father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was dearly loved and his
loss came at a bad time – a time when I was looking forward to spending much
more time with him after moving house to an area much closer to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still find his loss difficult, but I have
managed to adjust to it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Issues that Face Bereaved People</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Coming to terms with grief and allowing time for it is an
important though difficult task.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To partly
describe and outline the experience of grief, the Dual Process Model was
formulated a decade or so ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It says that
those suffering the loss of a loved one need to engage in two separate tasks:
dealing with loss and restoring life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
means that to deal with grief in the best way, a person needs both to work
through the pain of the loss, letting <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the emotions be felt; and also to start to
move on and rebuild their life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If only
one of the two tasks is attempted, there can be great vulnerability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, people who try to bury their grief and
move on with life are likely to find that the grief seeps out and that they
feel a variety of feelings such as depression and meaninglessness or that they
get very angry and worked up about things that would not have disturbed them in
the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alternatively, those who do feel
and express their pain but find it hard (or avoid) moving on can suffer a
variety of equally difficult problems such as being overwhelmed, and may feel
that life is unbearable and completely without hope or pleasure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Negotiating both tasks is hard work and is
something that normally requires support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In grief, our feelings, both conscious and unconscious, naturally tend
to drive things and so it’s not easy to have the strength to get through it
all.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If family and friends assist with one task but can’t or
won’t help with the other, it can be very confusing and painful for the
bereaved person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Working with a
counsellor can help with this because they are trained to guide and support people
getting through difficult circumstances like grief. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can also help their clients in looking at
the whole picture so that they may come through things as well as is possible.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross talked about the Five Stages of Grief,
which are normally experienced by most people who grieve, though never in the
same way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are – denial, depression,
anger, bargaining and acceptance. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
discussed these in a previous article here: http://davidseddon.blogspot.co.uk/2011/06/coping-with-bereavement.html</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The exact circumstances of the loss can strongly affect the
grieving – most deaths can create a feeling of unreality and disbelief, but a
sudden death such as an accident will often cause even greater numbness and
shock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The age and sex of the bereaved
person can make a big difference, too. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some
men may find grieving hard if they feel that they have to adopt a “male”
stiff-upper lip or have been taught that “big boys don’t cry.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In reality that is only likely to make things
worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trapped grief is much more
problematic than expressed grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
tends to come out in more disruptive and life-restricting ways.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is normal to be angry after a death – angry at yourself
for<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“not doing better whilst they were
alive,” at the universe or God for allowing it, at health professionals for not
doing better or at the deceased for going at the wrong time or for leaving important
matters unresolved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Five Stages of Grief
often occur in a different order and some may linger or return several times. No
one story of grief is ever the same as another and each of us deals with it in
our own way, though a counsellor understands the patterns, which can be a big
comfort.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s common for people to have issues of control around
grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, a grieving spouse
may imagine that they need to maintain a brave face and be strong so as not to
upset their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The problem is
that it is a construction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Underneath,
the bereaved person may well be feeling desolate and vulnerable – and that can
lead to feeling overwhelmed and to confusion, frustration, and feelings of
powerlessness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If grief is deliberately
held back it can lead to a life of chronic sorrow.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bereaved people often feel lonely, isolated or unheard and
so there can also be social consequences for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For instance, a grieving spouse may feel that
avenues that were open to them when they were part of a couple are now either
closed or uncomfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They may feel
incapable of socialising or that people they know do not want to be reminded of
their grief.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The death of our parents often creates an extra level of
stress, in that we also have to face up to our own mortality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Death
can at least have one positive side effect – in time, it can encourage us to
re-evaluate our life and make sure that we have fewer regrets. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When my father died, I became greatly aware of
how my own time was hurrying past and how vital it was to fill it with meaning
and good things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Coming Through Grief</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If somebody’s resources to cope are at full stretch it’s a
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GP, a support group or a counsellor. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
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bereaved person.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
None of us ever completely gets over the loss of a loved
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that this is often what people manage to do, especially if they work through
their grief properly.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you need help with a bereavement or some other issue in your life, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by
ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at </span><a href="mailto:David@eastcheshirecounselling.com"><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-66429131960136477222012-10-17T02:10:00.003-07:002012-10-17T04:33:43.899-07:00What is Existential Counselling and How can it Help?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gUTzqe8rgZs/UH5y7X0ovyI/AAAAAAAAAL4/e9U2lSnPwUA/s1600/Head,+Chatsworth,+England.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="254" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gUTzqe8rgZs/UH5y7X0ovyI/AAAAAAAAAL4/e9U2lSnPwUA/s320/Head,+Chatsworth,+England.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Some people are put off by the term “Existential.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It sounds difficult and deep doesn’t it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, it isn’t really complicated, but it
is certainly deep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One way of explain it
is to say that it’s about “exploring and embracing what it is to be
human.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A therapist does this by talking
about your life is a realistic and philosophical way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s also about becoming aware of things,
mulling them over and then coming to peace and acceptance about them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lot of the problems of life are universal –
for instance; loss, isolation, freedom vs responsibility, meaning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Existential counselling is about engaging
with those problems in a deep way - grappling with them and coming out
stronger, wiser and more alive as a result.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The present cult, fostered by books like The Secret,
of “think-as-positively-as-you-can-and- wish-for-anything-and-it-will-be-yours,”
is about as far removed from existential counselling as it’s possible to be. Postive thinking can be helpful with many things but has its natural human limits and there is more to living life than that. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Existential thinking says that there are no shallow answers and
instead looks for deep ones – which paradoxically often end up being very
simple to action.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It works very much
hand in glove with other humanistic types of counselling – particularly person-centred.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Carl Rogers (the founder of person-centred
counselling), declared himself to be an existentialist at heart.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His famous quote, “the good life is a process
not a destination,” is essentially an existentialist notion; as is his idea that
we are on a mission to find out who we are, so we can love and live by celebrating and being
true to that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Many of the ideas of existential counselling arise
from the Ancient Greeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ancient Greek
philosophers spent time pondering life and generally become quite content with
their lot as a result.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Existential
thinking is partly about drawing the joyful and the positive from life at all
times, whether it is easy of hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Contrary
to the modern trend, it encourages us to embrace the learning points of failure
as much as success, and to know that, as Kipling said, both are “imposters”
anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It asks us to accept that each
of us is limited and has weakness and strengths, and that these
very limitations are a source of celebration and richness. The Stepford Wives could not exist in a world focussed on existential thinking!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Existential Counselling is a huge area and I can only skim the surface here. In my own counselling practise, I mix it with person-centred counselling when and where it is appropriate. To highlight some of the ways existential counselling can help people, I am going to give a few examples of the kind of thing that
you might end up discussing in existential counselling:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“What is the point to my life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why do I bother?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, on one level, why indeed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The world will die one day just as we will
and all the works of men and women will be up in smoke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the other hand, people do find meaning –
one thinks of the existentialist writer Viktor Frankl who found it and
prospered in even the most horrific circumstances imaginable (Auschwitz).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He focussed on what he could do rather than
what he could not and found meaning in the struggle to live on and pass on his
message.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Zen Buddhism has many similarities to existentialism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You make the decision to engage with each
moment and find meaning through the simple and free things like love, creating
art, friendship, simply surviving and overcoming in a harsh time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Another way to live life fully
and find meaning is to practise trying to live in the here and now as much as
is possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One does look at the past
and future during counselling but we can do that whilst insisting on the beauty
of living in the present moment as much as is humanly possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As Blake suggests</span><i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-style: normal; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">, “he who kisses</span></i><span class="st"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></i></span><span class="st"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">the<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></span></span><i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-style: normal; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">joy as it flies</span></i><span class="st"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> l</span></span><span class="st"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">ives in eternity's sunrise.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Here is another example of the simplicity, rather
than the complexity of an existential approach. After he had conquered the
known world, of all souls on earth, Alexander the Great was most keen to meet the
philosopher Diogenes, who had <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>lived
almost his entire life inside a barrel with no possessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He found Diogenes in his barrel under a tree:
“I am the most powerful man on earth,” he said, “I can give you whatever you
want.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Diogenes simply said, “then
please move a little to the side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
have blocked out the sun and I do not want to be in the shade.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alexander laughed and said if he could swap
places with any man it would be Diogenes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We live in times when the world seems to be preoccupied
with power, money, celebrity and possessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Existential counselling encourages us to drop all of that shallowness and
see it as avoidance and denial of what is real and vital. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead we need to
follow what really matters and find fulfilment in the short time that we have on this earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
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<![endif]--></a>"<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important
tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because
almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of
embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving
only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best
way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are
already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. ... Stay hungry. Stay foolish.”</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The simple things are the most joyous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Epicurus said, “</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">riches do
not exhilarate us so much with their possession as they torment us with their
loss.” He believed that the greatest riches a man could have were true and
honest friends. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Along with other philosophers, he also suggested that rather than tie
ourselves in knots about trying to make everything safe and permanent, we
should realise that the one unending truth about life and the world is that it constantly
changes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>John
Lennon put this another way - “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
Epicurus urged us to embrace change and uncertainty and indeed suggested that
without change life would not be anywhere near as interesting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, that is pretty much in tune with
zen-Buddhism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not to say that we
should continually take stupid risks or never find any firmness or safety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both Diogenes and Epicurus had basic comforts
of a sort - friends for instance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like Buddhism, existentialist
thinking argues that it’s fine to have some comforts but that it’s not a good
idea to base your life around them or become unduly attached to them.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Freedom and responsibility are basically like yin and yang.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You cannot have one without the other, and too
much of one and not enough of the other is bound to lead to problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many affluent people today have too much
freedom and not enough responsibility, but if it’s the other way around it can
be equally damaging. The existentialist philosopher Kierkegaard argued that
anxiety was “the dizziness of freedom.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
makes sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We get most anxious about
those things that we could choose not to do, but which are challenging – an
exam, a driving test, a first date, making an important speech.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kierkegaard’s answer was to say, “look, this
is unavoidable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s part of the human
condition and what would you rather do, take the important action or shy away
from it?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thinking like that offers us
some comfort. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Existentialist counselling works with isolation or loneliness partly in
terms of empathy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The counsellor would
share just how alone he or she sometimes felt and how that was a universal
feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not to diminish the
client’s feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is actually to
say, “yes, I find that really hard, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Let’s share our thoughts and feelings and see what we can find to
alleviate them.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would then go on to suggest ways of
embracing this in a positive way – for instance finding out who we really are
in solitude, or to using the energy to create art. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Summing up, existential counselling is about finding the richness and
the energy in all aspect of life - whether it be the joyous, the typical or the
difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s also about becoming
aware that the things that we really need to feel joy and meaning in this life
are very often not the things we are told that we need. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those who insist that life can be solely positive if we just keep thinking that it is often
fall foul of the fact that they are relatively defenceless when things don’t go
well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Existentialism encourages us to
find the meaning and engagement with every part of life or as the poet Edith
Sitwell said, “nothing is lost and all in the end is harvest.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you would like to try some existential counselling,
you can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at
David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></div>
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-47822159484351026992012-10-11T10:50:00.001-07:002012-10-11T10:50:06.854-07:00Depression Part 2 - Can Counselling Help People Suffering from Depression?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SvhpbV_tFZs/UHcFPDs1H9I/AAAAAAAAALI/LnooFsUoGI4/s1600/DS260391.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SvhpbV_tFZs/UHcFPDs1H9I/AAAAAAAAALI/LnooFsUoGI4/s320/DS260391.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Counselling
can help people with depression in many ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each client has unique reasons for
being depressed and one person’s story is never the same as another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nevertheless, there are some patterns that
often happen in therapy when working with depression, and I will outline some
of these via 12 bullet points:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Counselling has been well
described as the “talking cure.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps,
if you think of your life, you will remember how much better you felt when you
shared a problem with a trusted friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
counsellor is trained in this area and offers warmth, understanding and
non-judgement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A counsellor will be
solely focussed on you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is
something you are likely to find rare or even unknown elsewhere in your life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">In counselling, you will find
that issues and feelings come to the surface that you were probably either half
aware of or not at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This sudden
awareness doesn’t tend to happen regularly elsewhere, but in counselling it’s
an everyday occurrence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some issues will
inevitably unlock some of the causes of your depression, which will help you to
unburden, think things through and move on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">To quote the writer, counsellor
and psychologist Claire Weekes, depression is partly “the tired thoughts of a
tired mind.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Counsellors are trained to
help you through that tiredness and to guide you as you begin to re-find your
vigour for life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What depression has
sapped and removed, counselling can help put back.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">A good counsellor will gently
challenge you as well as be supportive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is important because, outside of the counselling room, other people
often have a variety of motives for giving your “their advice.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In counselling, you will receive unbiased
support and be encouraged to look at options you may never have thought of
before. You are also likely to find that you have a clearer head.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">A good counsellor will help you
to work out what your triggers are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
could be a mixture of things - perhaps feeling isolated or not having any
purpose to your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The therapist will
help you to both address this and watch out for the danger signs when the
triggers recur.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">A counsellor will never attempt
to tell you to “buck up,” or dismiss your feelings. I would be honest if I
thought that you had something out of perspective, but I always encourage clients
to own their feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is important
to respect and allow clients to fully express their pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">If your depression is rooted in a
painful set of experiences then a counsellor will offer expert support and
understanding of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For instance, they
be able to explain the psychology of it, how it was normal and how things tend
to work out in such situations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes,
a little bit of psychological knowledge can help put your mind at rest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">If you have trapped anger, a
therapist can help you find the root of that – many people are completely
unaware of it until it rushes out (often dramatically) in a session.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I often show clients ways to let their anger
out safely and how they can then come to terms and move on from it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Many people’s issues are wrapped
up in childhood – even if they are not aware of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those issues can sometimes be extremely
difficult to discuss with friends or family, but childhood issues are everyday
matters to counsellors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We often enable clients
to get to the root of their issues and process them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Dreams can be useful because they
are signs from the subconscious to the conscious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like to help my clients work through
powerful dreams and have methods to help clients remember their dreams instead
of forgetting them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Counsellors will encourage and
support you with finding a healthy lifestyle when the depression is over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This revolves around balance. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is normally bad for us to have too much of
any one thing and not enough of another.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">When you finish therapy, you will
have the comfort of knowing that there is at least one person around who knows
all of your problems and can help. There maybe times in the future when just
one or two sessions can help you to get through a less major problem than your
depression was and nip it in the bud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">It is
amazing how many clients say to me, “I only wish that I had first come here
many years ago.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This can be true of
recurring depression as well as other issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Going to a counsellor can be the keystone of coming out of depression
and getting to a better life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
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<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to talk about depression, you can
book a face to face, telephone or skype video session with him by ringing 07578
100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lmbPq4BFGhI/UHcGFUKkfWI/AAAAAAAAALc/3lTqTkMHOKM/s1600/Spring+Blossom.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lmbPq4BFGhI/UHcGFUKkfWI/AAAAAAAAALc/3lTqTkMHOKM/s320/Spring+Blossom.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-81374800312296598612012-10-08T07:43:00.000-07:002012-10-08T08:08:33.355-07:00On Depression Part 1 – The Nature of Depression and Why it Comes<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Depression
is one of the main reasons why people go to counselling for the first time, and
an increasing number of people in the UK are suffering from it. According to The
Office for National Statistics, 1 in 10 Britons suffer from it in any given
year, and the figure has been rising for some time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Depression, along with its cousin acute
anxiety, is the most common mental health issue in the UK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It affects all professions, the unemployed,
both sexes, all age groups, although it is slightly more prevalent in women
than men and also within older people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some people suffer recurrent bouts of depression (Winston Churchill, Abraham
Lincoln, Mark Twain, Isaac Newton, Mozart, JK Rowling, Michelangelo, Gary
Barlow and Oprah Winfrey, for instance), whilst others may have only one or two
episodes.<br />
<br />
It is good that the old stereotypes and stigmas surrounding depression and
other mental and emotional health issues are breaking down as time goes
on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of us are likely to know more
than one person who suffers from depression – whether it be a spouse, a close
friend or a family member. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>According to
studies in NZ and the USA, just over 1 in 2 adults suffer some sort of mental
health problem over the course of their lives, of which depression is the most
common.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although a lifetime study has
not been done in the UK, it is likely that things are similar here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Why Depression Strikes</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Depression can involve bio-chemical surges within
the body, but there is growing opinion that emotional problems, whether
conscious or unconscious, come before the chemical imbalance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many psychologists, counsellors and
psychiatrists have spoken of this, for instance, Professor Michael Baigent has
said that reducing depression to chemicals and antidepressants was “dumbing
down;” and Professor Jon Jureidini stated that there was a ''complete lack of
evidence'' that chemical imbalances in the brain cause depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is general agreement that we need to
look instead at the psychological reasons for depression.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Most readers of this
blog will have heard several perceived wisdoms about depression. Are they correct?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is said, for instance, that “depression is
anger turned inward.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that that is
usually correct.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many of the people I
have seen with depression had deep anger about something – not necessarily another person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes, the anger can
be at life or with themselves. The anger is not necessarily obvious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be avoided, denied or hidden, but it
often bursts out at some point. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when
it does, it is a key moment in the therapy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Depression is said to
be “a crisis of meaning.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Depressed
people often have some sense that life is passing them by or that they are
destined to remain “unfulfilled” and that there is not much point to things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This may be well buried, denied or
consciously avoided.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the writer Irvin
Yalom says, “we are meaning seeking creatures.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The materialistic society does not help with
meaning and can brainwash us into thinking that we are valuable according
to how much we earn and what we do, rather than who we are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many people have felt squeezed into becoming
human-doings rather than human-beings, which can lead to deep sadness and even
despair.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% white;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">That brings us onto the
thought that “depression is a crisis of the soul.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we take “soul” to be how we view our
essence and deepest position as a human being, then that is also mainly true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In addition, if we are lost inside there are
often self-esteem issues to go with that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The psychologist and poet Stephanie Sorrell
discusses the rich, growthful implications of depression in her wonderful book Depression as a Spiritual Journey.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It
is sometimes said that depression is the ultimate way our bodies and minds can
let us know that there is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to work
out what the problem is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people
suffering from depression may know straight away what has triggered it or what
is behind it – the two are not always the same thing and one may be more
apparent than the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good
therapist will help their client to look at what is happening in their life and
try to work out how to move forward out of the depression.</span></div>
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<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Possible
Causes and Triggers of Depression and the Positive Side of it</span></u></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Depression
can be triggered by loss – for instance: the end of a relationship, the
children going off to school or university, losing a job, divorce or the death
of a loved one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Depression can also be about
denial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People can spend a lot of time
denying problems both in their head and to others until there comes a point
when they cannot deny them anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At
that point, a crisis is reached and they often become depressed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thus, depression often involves issues of
self-awareness – the depressed person may either have little of it or else a large
amount of it concerning a problem in a specific area.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Depression
does give the sufferer a chance to make a new start, even though they are likely to have a very tough time whilst they're in it. The good news is that many people who come out of
depression are happier than before they became depressed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can offer the rare opportunity to make
positive changes in lifestyle and be a real wake up call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As you come out of it, it can energise you
with a drive towards something better.</span></div>
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<u>What Depression Does </u><br />
<br />
The word ‘depression’ can describe a lot of symptoms and behaviours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These may include wanting to withdraw from
life; feeling down, sad or empty; great tiredness; loss of libido; feelings of meaninglessness
and very low self-esteem; inability to sleep; lack of concentration; a feeling
of joylessness; lack of pleasure in previously enjoyed hobbies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stronger forms of depression often involve
suicidal thoughts.<br />
<br />
It is often said that depressed people are “very selfish,” but I don’t
agree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it’s more to do with being
incredibly self-obsessed at a certain point in your life – and, given the
inward nature of depression, what else could a depressed person be than
self-consuming?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Selfish people find
kindness hard, self-absorbed people don’t necessarily have that problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In any case, the “ingazing” of depression can
be put to good use by a counsellor, who can act as a guide and facilitator
towards positive change. The solitude engendered in depression can bear rich
fruit if the right support is in place, so coming out of depression can feel
like renewal.<br />
<br />
As a counsellor, I deal with depression in a wholly different way from
doctors. A GP may prescribe anti-depressants, which should help alleviate the
symptoms - a very useful thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However,
anti-depressants can’t act upon the root cause of your problem and once you
stop taking them you may find yourself slipping back into the problems that
brought the depression to start with. A good counsellor will work carefully and
supportively to find the cause of the depression and help the sufferer to
re-engage with life, joy and meaning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
the therapy goes on for long enough and the right things are discussed and
worked through then the chances of the depression coming back are lessened and
if it does the chances are the client will be in a much clearer and stronger
place to get through it.<br />
<br />
In the next part of this article, I will look at how Counselling can help
people with depression.</div>
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</style> <![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to talk about depression, you can book a face to face, skype or telephone session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span><br />
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<br />David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-65718471788944507972012-09-20T10:57:00.000-07:002012-09-20T10:57:03.899-07:00Anxiety and How to Cope With It <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cuxR-OFo3uM/UFtWonTbl9I/AAAAAAAAAKM/DQBx8wyStE8/s1600/IMG_4395.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cuxR-OFo3uM/UFtWonTbl9I/AAAAAAAAAKM/DQBx8wyStE8/s320/IMG_4395.JPG" width="230" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span>Anxiety
seems to be everywhere in the West and indeed, in the Handbook of Social Psychology,
RR Willoughby described Anxiety as “the most prominent mental characteristic of
Occidental Society.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that’s
true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s important first to differentiate between fear and
anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of us mix the two up – and
they can overlap – one can feel both fear and anxiety for something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there is a difference between the two
which most of us understand on some subconscious if not conscious level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Psychologists and philosophers including
(unsurprisingly) Freud, have discussed the difference, and it seems to come down
to this: anxiety is to do with inner feelings and fear to do with objective outer
things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In battle or faced with a tiger
you will probably show fear; when giving a speech or thinking about a driving
test or meeting a prospective new girlfriend or boyfriend, you feel anxiety.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anxiety is more difficult to deal with than fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anxious situations may not be as bad as battle
or a rampaging tiger, but with those we get to act instantly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can fight, freeze or run, and then it’s all
over (hopefully we are still alive!).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>With anxiety we have time to dwell, to worry, to concern ourselves with
whether we are going to get things right or are good enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anxiety sticks around longer, becomes a pattern
of behaviour and tends to eat away at us from the inside, which can feel
paralysing and like an attack by the self on the self<em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span></span>. </span></em></div>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;"><em><span style="font-style: normal; line-height: 115%;">The philosopher Kierkegaard said
that “anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”</span></em><i><span style="line-height: 115%;"> </span></i></span><span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span> </span></i></span>By this he meant that it’s the flip side of the good things and
choices we have - when you have no choice, for instance faced with the tiger,
you aren’t anxious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the things that
we do have a choice about but would rather not do, or at least would rather
breeze through, that cause us anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For all of these reasons, anxiety trends to be more
corrosive than fear, and harder to master, since it seems like an attack on the
self from within.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Therapies like CBT can
be great for conquering fears as a new response can be found to work around the
symptom – eg a phobia of spiders - but it’s harder to work at something that
affects you more deeply, that seems ingrained within your very self: when the
thing you “fear” is yourself and your response, that’s really anxiety, not fear
at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You need a deeper way of dealing
with it and something like CBT just won’t do it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The silver lining is that both fear and anxiety have their
uses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are guides to what is going
on for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you didn’t feel fear when
faced with a tiger or in a battle, the chances are you’d get killed pretty
quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Courage is not absence of
fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As Aristotle said, brave people
are afraid, but overcome their fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
phobia of spiders or snakes is based on something that may have happened when
you were small or on the fact that these creatures can indeed be harmful to
us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can learn the correct response
for dealing with them.<br />
<br />
Anxiety tells us that we are uncomfortable with a future situation and that we
need to prepare for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are
anxious about something, it’s a sign that it is important for you, either
consciously or subconsciously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t
get anxious about things which are trivial to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it comes, a rise in adrenaline can be
useful, depending on the extent of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>How Can I Deal with Anxiety? </u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Dealing with anxiety takes time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fears and Phobias can be conquered and we’ve
all met or heard of people who’ve achieved that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anxiety is much tougher to deal with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is part of the human condition - you can
reduce it and learnt to live with it, but you almost <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">c</b>ertainly can’t eliminate it completely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once you know that anxiety is universal and
that you can’t get rid of it completely, then paradoxically, this is one of the
things that helps to lessen it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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I have a lot of people who visit me about anxiety and I find
that they are helped by working through their feelings and responses about what
makes them anxious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ways can be found
to help people cope and work on their anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The first and possibly most important method is the simplest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is amazing how once you start to talk
about it, that in itself will help tremendously – the mere sharing and
unburdening yourself of it, and finding out that you are not alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As Carl Rogers said, “t<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">he
curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe that I have learnt this from my
clients as well as within my own experiences – that we cannot change, we cannot
move away from what we are, until we thoroughly <i>accept</i> what we are.”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Although
I could mention many ways, I will just quickly list a few other approaches
here:</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">It’s useful to ask “which is worse, not doing the thing I am
anxious about or the anxiety itself?” Almost always, not doing the thing is
worse, because we tend to get anxious about important things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This can spur you on to be determined to beat
the anxiety.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">You are not your anxiety, so you can learn to observe it and
to be aware of it and think of it as a thing separate from you, not part of
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Similarly, the zen method, allows for the universality and
natural nature of anxiety. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jon
Kabat-Zinn highlights this in his book Full Catastrophe Living: </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“The best way of looking into
them (discomfort, pain, worry) is to welcome them when they come rather than
trying to make them go away because we don't like them. By sitting with some discomfort
and accepting it as part of our experience in the moment, even if we don't like
it, which we don't, we discover that it is actually possible to relax into
physical discomfort."</span></em><em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-style: normal; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></em></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Instead of fighting the anxiety and tensing up, you can
learn to accept it and be with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you tense up, your breathing becomes shallow and your body sends emergency
signals to your brain and it just gets worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you are already tense with anxiety, fighting it makes you tense about
the tension.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Noticing it and saying, “Oh
well, I’m anxious again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So be it,” is
better.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">You can talk over the things that give you most anxiety with
a counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often there may be
something stuck in your past that is causing the reaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By revisiting and feeling the pain of the
past situation, you can help to clear it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A skilled listener will support and guide you through this without
turning the agenda (like many friends would) onto themselves.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">You can remember that the other side to anxiety is a
positive one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are more bodily aware
than people who suffer less anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This can have advantages that can lead to a lot of fun!</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">You can try think of the anxiety as if it were happening to
someone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would you advise them
to do in this situation?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This calm,
logicality can help soothe things down.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Many people find it very productive to work
through, in counselling, the approach of Claire Weekes. In her excellent book,
Self Help for Your Nerves, she talks about doing four things – Facing, Accepting,
Floating, Letting Time Pass. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had
amazing results with this simple method and I find it works very well with many
people.<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>You can learn to let anxiety out via your
body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We do carry a great deal of it
around in our bodies as there are many ways of releasing most of it – through
breathing exercises, for instance.<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Think of your purpose and meaning in life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does it require doing the thing that you’re
anxious about?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What happens when you are
gone from this world and you can’t do it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The idea of death often puts things in perspective and helps us to act.<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David is a
fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to talk about anxiety in your
life, you can book a session with him, either face to face or via telephone or
skype, by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at
David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></div>
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-2570888158873247022012-09-13T13:27:00.000-07:002012-09-13T13:39:35.411-07:00What is a Verbally Abusive Relationship and How Can You Deal With it?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JgXiDsIniLU/UFJBjWoVYkI/AAAAAAAAAJ0/zYsLAiHBUvY/s1600/P1000496.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JgXiDsIniLU/UFJBjWoVYkI/AAAAAAAAAJ0/zYsLAiHBUvY/s320/P1000496.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When most people think of abuse they tend to think of the physical or sexual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Writers and
commentators have rightly given those sorts of abuse a lot of attention, yet
verbal abuse is more common.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By verbal abuse, I mean sustained unpleasantness and even
bullying over a prolonged period.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whilst
any sort of verbal attack is unwelcome and unpleasant, I am not talking here about
one off or rare situations. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, nearly
all couples or friends have arguments and sometimes strong words are said. The
odd argument is not abuse, even if swear words are used – especially if the
person who said the bad things is apologetic afterward and lovingly tries to
correct it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most typically, an abuser is
male and the victim is female, but there are many cases of women verbally
abusing men or of same-sex abuse.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>How do you know when you are being verbally abused?</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here are some ideas to help you spot it:<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>You probably have a feeling that your partner of
colleague is constantly undermining you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>You may feel that even small matters are widened
out into being character assaults.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>You may feel that you are being disempowered,
disrespected or devalued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>There is almost certainly a denial on the part of
the abuser, who will probably say that you are being “over-sensitive” or
“misunderstanding the message.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Abusers often ascribe motives to your actions
which you do not recognise within yourself – for instance calling your wish for
a quiet moment in a busy day, “another instance of your laziness,” or calling
you a “******* ****” when you drop a plate or stall the car - perhaps making out that you did it deliberately or are always doing it (even if you haven't for years).<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>If you have a partner who openly laughs at your
dreams and values, then that is a form of verbal abuse.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent: -18pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many abusers know how to be charming and in between moments
of abuse, you may feel that things have been changed for the better and be lulled
into a false sense of security.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hardly
any abuser is constantly abusive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
how bad it gets, rather than how often it happens that really counts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you are still unsure, perhaps the easiest question to ask
is this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>does the insult my partner or
colleague just aimed at me reveal that they have a lack of respect, love and
value for me, or are we just having a row that we will later both be highly
embarrassed about?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other questions are:
is what they said part of a pattern?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Does
it feel general or specific?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does the
other apologise if they have hurt me and try to make it up?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>What is Verbal Abuse Really About?</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are entitled to your feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An attempt to undermine them or belittle them
is verbal abuse. Just like anger, only the abuser is responsible for his or her
abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Verbal
abusers are experts at blame, judgement, criticism, manipulation, projecting
shame and assigning guilt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have
done something wrong or silly, a sensitive adult will address this in an adult
way – realising that we all make mistakes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They will not turn a small event into a character assassination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, the plain fact is that most verbal
abuse springs from the least excuse or from nowhere at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Verbal abuse is usually about power and control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, the abuser will deny that, as to
admit it is to imply dysfunctionality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
can try to point that out a few times, but it’s probably useless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They don’t want to get it as it undermines
their whole attempt at control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most
abusers will refuse to discuss their abuse later – perhaps sticking their
fingers in their ears, dismissing your feelings, ridiculing you, shouting over
you or issuing further insults.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An
abuser is likely to follow Elbert Hubbard’s dictum that, <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“if you
cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile
names. “ </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Abusers are generally unhappy people who have empathy and
anger problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will project their
own issues (often stemming from childhood) onto another partly as a form of
denial that it is they who have the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That doesn’t mean that you have to let them get away with their abuse,
but if you are stuck in a relationship with one, it does mean that you could
think of things with a different slant.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>What can I do if I feel that I am being Verbally Abused?</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyone who has tried to reason with a verbal abuser knows
that it is probably useless to try to offer a logical debate with him or her -
perhaps pointing out the ABC of why they are wrong and what your true
intentions were when they blew up at you over the smallest thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will simply enjoy the fact that they
have rattled you and got a response, and they will likely belittle you further.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Deep down they know they are in the wrong but
feel that another moment of anger will smash them right through that
problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is far better to just calmly
say, “stop it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I won’t have you talk to
me like that,” and then, if you can, leave the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are dealing with someone who is behaving
like a toddler throwing a tantrum, so actions speak louder than words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, if the abuse is bad enough you can also consider
leaving the relationship or seek the support of a counsellor (who will have ideas
and strategies that you can use as well as being a firm reassurance and support
to you).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a calm moment, you can ask
the other to seek counselling for the abuse too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That may well engender an abusive volley, but
if said firmly and often it may start to sink in. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have worked with several clients who have
suffered verbal abuse and have helped them to begin to deal with it more
comfortably.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>I would also suggest
reading Patricia Evans’ book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, as some of the
ideas I mention above are drawn from this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Person Centred Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to talk about abuse in your life,
you can book a session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at
David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-6296305063396078822012-08-18T00:46:00.000-07:002012-08-21T00:09:07.666-07:00Intimacy and Armour in Relationships<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“When
we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no
longer be vulnerable. But</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">
to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Madeleine L’Engle<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The opposite of loneliness, it's not
togetherness. It is intimacy.” Richard Bach</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I see a lot of people (individuals and couples) who
lack any real intimacy in their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is a cause of great regret to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes they have brought about the problem themselves and so we
explore how that has happened and try to untangle it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Intimacy is one of the key things in any close relationship,
especially a romantic one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is is a
deep and unguarded communication, a sort of deep trust of another and an
acceptance that whatever we do, we are safe with them. It involves sharing at a
deep level, so that when it comes we have a feeling of negating our
loneliness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">It is important for most
of us to have emotional closeness, and quite often we see that people who don’t
have it or who shut themselves off from it appear less happy than those who
have it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, that is a
generalisation, but basically we are relationship seeking creatures, though
this doesn’t have to be romantic.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">However much we love our
partners, we all like some solitude, “me time” and freedom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is such a thing as too much intimacy,
when we may feel suffocated or trapped – but crucially, it’s always good to ask
ourselves, when that point arrives, whether it feels like a healthy need to
express our independence or whether it is based on something more negative - a
simple fear of intimacy or commitment, perhaps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It can be tough to work that out, but if you are not clear on it, many
people find that counselling can help them to unravel the matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">There are times when to
protect yourself is important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Obviously
nature shows us, with armadillos and rhinos, that there is sometimes a need for
armour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Humans have sometimes needed it
too – one need only think of tanks in the army or knights with their suits of
armour. If one of my clients has a bullying boss, then clearly, there may be
moments when self-protection is important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However, in close personal relationships, the continual wearing of
armour can be divisive and even destructive. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As an example, some women may crave a knight
in shining armour, but if he keeps it on all of the time, that’s a different
matter! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Armour can take the form
of avoidance, denial, dismissing, distracting, transferring or just plain hard-heartedness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of these things stem from fear not
love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Armour is a way of protecting
yourself from any possible hurt or from losing control or of being less
independent.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Some people, especially
men think that showing any vulnerability or opening themselves up is a sign of
weakness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those who read my blog readily
will know that I am not keen on stereotypes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We are all individuals, with a panoply of influences, conditionings and
personality traits, and whilst there are patterns of behaviour that any trained
person can spot, no-one I’ve ever met fits neatly into a pigeon-hole - I have
had almost as many women see me who struggle with allowing intimacy into their
life as I have men.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nonetheless, men are
more likely to have suffered social conditioning about being publicly “in
control”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some men I have counselled were
told, at an early age, to show little emotion – “big boys don’t cry.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other people, both men and women, may have
seen how cold their parents were with each other and modelled their way of
being in relationships on that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People
in either of these situations often have some problems with intimacy in later
life. In any case, where there is no vulnerability, there can be no proper
intimacy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">It needn’t be like
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No-one can be strong all of the
time and to attempt to be so is wearing and inhuman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It often takes up much more effort to keep
the armour on than to let it drop. And no matter how hard it is initially to
drop familiar armour, with a supportive and loving partner dropping it always
feels like a relief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Certainly though,
those who are used to wearing armour will need to be patient about taking it
off and allowing it to stay off for longer and longer periods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s useful sometimes to think of things in
another way – that it’s about going out of a well worn comfort zone and taking
a risk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we all know that many of the
best things in life require us to take a risk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Since modern life makes many demands on us, it takes a strong person to
show their vulnerability (at an appropriate moment) and allow them self to be
soothed, nurtured or helped.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is
probably especially true of “traditionally minded” men or women who are used to
being resilient and publicly in control of everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As Criss Jami said, “to share your weakness
is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your
strength.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">John Bowlby’s attachment
theory can help explain adult behaviours and the balance of intimacy and armour
in our relationships. He described how people broadly fit into one of three
types of attachment types, according to what happened to them in their
childhood. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be hard to change
patterns but not impossible with a caring and supportive partner, or perhaps
with the help of counselling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
children, we need a safe haven where we know we can return in between our
forays into independence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is exactly
the same in our adult relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Secure attachment means that we can have healthy adult relationships,
with compatible people, quite easily – we are likely to require little armour;
insecure attachment means that we will seek intimacy but will then feel
uncomfortable about it and will probably look for subtle ways of sabotaging it
before we are hurt by it – usually the subtler forms of armour (denial,
distraction, under valuing a partner by dismissing what they do for us, or
indeed what we do for them).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those with
avoidant attachment will typically find a myriad of excuses to avoid intimacy,
even though they may crave it deep down – they are experts at the different
types of armour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In relationships, if
one person has secure attachment and the other doesn’t, it can work out if both
partners are aware of the situation and respect each other’s needs, but it can
also leads to frustration for both.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Intimacy requires being
yourself and allowing the other to be them self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is heightened if you unconditionally accept
and love the other and if you are fully aware of it in the moment - when it can
feel sublimely joyous.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> Intimacy
requires practise, time and risk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
cannot form a very deep intimacy with someone quickly, even if the attraction
is huge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Going deep with another and expressing your needs, hopes, and fears can lead to you knowing that there's at
least one person in the world who cares deeply about you and who totally
understands you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Finally,
it is important to state that sex and intimacy are not the same thing even
though common verbal currency tries to lump them together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, when they act together the result
can be pretty close to euphoric and can be one of those times when we feel
truly connected to something beyond our self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In the romantic relationships, sex is certainly one of the best ways of
expressing intimacy with someone you love; but many people can reach an
emotional intimacy without sex, just as others have sex and have no real
emotional intimacy to go with it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David
is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wish to talk about issues in your life
or about anger, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by
ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at </span><a href="mailto:David@eastcheshirecounselling.com"><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid</span></div>
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<br />David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-8758750276757216372012-06-01T00:15:00.001-07:002012-06-01T13:36:13.733-07:00Men and Counselling - Part 2 (Why Some Men are Reluctant to Seek Therapy and Why they Should Anyway)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is part 2 of my Blog Article about men and counselling.</div>
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For part one, please look here: http://davidseddon.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/men-and-counselling-part-one.html</div>
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Let us work with the labels and say that surveys show that men are generally more reluctant than women about starting counselling. There are a variety of reasons for this. I’ll look at several of the key ones in turn and try to answer each one as I do:</div>
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<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> Expectations</b> – these may be about what society expects or, often, about what men think women want from them. Sometimes these expectations have a real basis in the experience of men and sometimes they don’t and are just a manifestation of fear. Shakespeare described “expectation as the root of all heartache.” To counter-act it, I stress the need for authenticity with all of my clients – male and female. Living a happy life is largely about being true to yourself and not being limited by expectations - whether from individuals, groups or society as a whole. Frequently, the most content people we know do not conform to expectations.</li>
<li>Some men <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">think of counselling as a ‘female’ activity</b> (a view reinforced because many more counsellors are women than men). All I can do as a counsellor is to be here to balance out that notion. There are male counsellors available and men who do go to counselling differ on whether they wish to see a male or female counsellor. In addition, there are many eminent male figures - such as Freud, Jung and Rogers - in the history of counselling and psychotherapy.</li>
<li><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Maintaining Control - </span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">s</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">ome men may feel that going to counselling means that they will lose some sort of control over their lives. In fact the opposite is the case - they are likely to gain control over some things (and accept more easily those which they have no control over). As counsellors, we accept that we are dealing here with the element of fear, and that fear is very human but not necessarily rational. </span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><b>Problem Solving –</b> many men are natural problem solvers. If a man's identity is primarily wrapped up in this, then he may ask <i>"why should I go to counselling to fix something I can sort myself?</i><i><b>"</b></i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>But the point is that frequently many of them cannot fix the something and in fact are not normally actively trying to do so. Avoidance, denial and deflection are not fixes in and of themselves and merely make the problem worse over time. Counsellors are trained to help people look at things in a new way and at their options. We don’t solve problems for any client, men included, but we do help them clarify, explore, look at options and facilitate their process of change.</li>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Macho Culture</b> – this says that men should be strong and deal with things on their own. From an early age, men are encouraged to<b> </b>be strong and successful. A situation like counselling in which people naturally look at areas of life where they could do better may play on notions of “failure” even though the truth is that we are all constantly involved in a process of improving and learning. There is also the notion that men should not show their emotions (“big boys don’t cry”). Perhaps we need to question the notion of success. Christopher Morley said, “there is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.” Dying people have testified that this is certainly the bigger part of it. I’d add fulfilment and happiness to that, too. It is not successful to wear a mask and be unhappy all your life no matter how much money you earn or how macho you appear. Allied to the macho culture, all of us, male and female, are also immersed in the materialism. Sadly many men become aware of these limiting influences only when they are near death and it is too late to put them right.</li>
<li><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Status – many </span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">men place great significance on how they're perceived by others. Going to counselling can seem like a threat to a man's ego. There are men who will fight to protect the image they want to project at the cost of anything else – including happiness. Having said that, things are changing for the better - I’ve met men in the pub who, upon learning that I was a counsellor, boasted to me and each other about how many counselling sessions they has been to! And so they should. It’s actually a sign of being interested in their emotional well being. In some countries other than the UK the trend for openness about counselling has moved further forward.</span></li>
<li><b><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Fear of Change -</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> many men tend to be more conservative than women. Since counselling is about making changes and change is an unknown quantity, this can again evoke fear. The plain fact is though that life is full of uncertainty and change. Most of this happens without us feeling that we have a choice; but counselling can help us to make the choices that are available and accept matters when there are no choices.</span></li>
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There is an additional problem in that many men who do come to counselling wait to ask for help right up until the situation has become desperate, which means that they struggle on with heavy and exhausting problems they just about keep at bay, perhaps at terrible cost to their health, relationships and happiness. Alas, this phenomenon means that some may even prefer to fail than to admit that they have a problem, which can end up in broken marriages, addiction, homelessness, or even suicide. I wish I had an easy answer for that, but I think this works on the level of education and information. The <i>healthy</i> and <i>strong</i> individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he's got an abscess on his knee or in his soul. Rona Barrett</div>
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A recent BACP survey highlighted that 83% of people would consider going to counselling if they had a problem they couldn’t resolve. I think counselling is becoming more talked about and the taboo is disappearing in the same way it has in the States, but it takes time. About 50% of my clients are men and most of them are relieved about taking the step to come and are keen and hard-working about moving forward. I am not judgmental about their problems or indeed anyone’s problems. I recognise that for all human beings, male and female, life is often very difficult and challenging. I also recognise that there are particular weights on the shoulders of men and that these weights need dealing with gently and thoughtfully.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor. If you wish to talk about issues in your life you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at </span><a href="mailto:David@eastcheshirecounselling.com" style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">David@eastcheshirecounselling.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">. You can also follow him on Twitter as <span style="color: red;">Contented Counsellor</span> at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid</span></div>
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<br /></div>David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-65347005378855353272012-05-23T01:54:00.002-07:002012-05-23T02:14:43.651-07:00Men and Counselling - Part One - Introduction<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“Men
find it harder to start counselling than women:” that's a comment counsellors often hear. As
a generalisation, it may have some truth, but I don’t like bald generalisations because
they tend to strip away at individuality.
I don’t think that it’s helpful to stick labels on people, especially if
they are labels generated by an over-view of humanity which places them firmly
in a group or set and says “that’s it.
Job done.” Kierkegaard said that
“once you label me, you negate me.” I
think that is profoundly true and yet psychology, psychiatry, medicine and many
of the health professions are continually diagnosing and labelling, and I know
that, to a point, I have to operate within that system. How does one solve this dilemma? As a humanistic counsellor, my answer is to notice
it, to be aware of it and to be pragmatic about it - both striving against it
and working with it at the same time. There are many men who find it easy
to go to counselling and I am seeing increasing numbers of them in my practice. Nevertheless, I concede that some men do find
the notion of counselling hard and so I shall address that issue here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Though
the phenomenon is limited, we shouldn’t be surprised by it. It’s really quite analogous to men and
physical ailments. There is a
stereotypical man who has to be forced to go to the doctor even if he feels at
death’s door; who sees signs of possible cancer but doesn’t go to his GP until
it’s too late. Many men do NOT do those things, but alas, there are still many that
do. Some men can be just as reluctant to
go to counselling – perhaps seeking it or accepting it only when their
situation is precarious. They may see
counselling as a last resort, and may first employ a variety of destructive avoidances
to deflect from their problems - drugs, over-exercise, sex addiction, alcohol,
gambling or workaholism.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Even
though times have changed a lot and we live in a much less male-dominated
society, cultural and societal conditioning still sends out strong messages
about how men should be: “be a real man,” “be one of the lads,” “big boys don’t
cry,” “don’t be a whimp!” “are you a man or a mouse?” “what a wuss!” “are you
man enough?” etc. For men, it’s bad
enough when these messages come from other men, but when they come from women
it can be more difficult and painful. It
can be a great weight for some men to carry.
Some are fine with it and others never become much aware of it, but many
find it very limiting. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Perhaps,
also, men are behind women in terms of the positive changes they have made
since the last war. Women have both
wanted and undergone massive change and have boldly gone from feminism to
post-feminism. They have explored their
old and new roles and many of them have started to make some important personal
sense on how that all needs to balance out in their own life. Men, on the other hand, have been more
conservative and have not changed as fast as women have. Part of this is down
to men themselves and part of this is down to how society has not examined and
discussed the changing role of men in quite the same way it has with women.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">We’ve all
heard about how men are confused about “what women want,” and indeed this is a
subject that often comes up in counselling heterosexual men; gay men also have
a variety of problems about sexual stereotyping - several of which are the same
as the ones I will discuss next time, though some are different. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Men are usually acutely aware of what
many women’s view of the ideal man is (even if an “ideal man” is as changeable for
women as an “ideal woman” is between men) and know how they could be judged if
they aren’t one. Female friends of mine
often sympathise with the plight of men - who, despite the fact that they are
told that women would like open-hearted, gentle and emotionally expressive men
who treat them as an equal in almost every way; also get the message that women
want men to lead, take charge, provide, save, protect and be resilient and strong.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">The
good news is that for the great majority of time this is not a problem at all. We all, male and female, like a bit of repartee
and role and it’s good that the sexes are not the same. Somehow most of us navigate the potential minefield
(I first typed “mindfield,” which somehow seems more apt!) happily and
enjoyably rather than with trepidation and constant explosion. Despite the huge changes in society since the
last war, most of us understand all of this on an intuitive and subconscious
level. And how infinitely duller this life would be if men and women were the
same in all of their behaviours!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">The
issue only arises when there is a problem.
At that point, somehow, the sources of fascination and appreciation can become
confusion and conflict – the haziness surrounding the changing roles then
starts to look more like a fog. I expect
that, in time, the changing role of each sex will allow more certainty, but for
a while at least, we each have to deal with things in our own way. <span style="color: black;"> There is a simple
answer to the conundrum and one which I employ in my own life: it’s up to each
of us to be <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">authentic</b> and be true to
ourselves. It’s also up to each human being to save themselves and sort out
their own happiness. Neither sex should
expect saving, on whatever level, from the other no matter how strong your
programming is for that. A man should be
the sort of man that he is and if he finds that that does not meet another’s
expectations then, whilst there is always room for some manoeuvre in
relationships, ultimately that’s too bad. It’s</span> a very confusing
balancing act for some men. As a
counsellor I work with them to accept themselves just as they are and encourage
them to be themselves.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Most
men have within them, to different degrees, both the protecting, strong man and
the emotional, gentle man: it’s about accepting that and feeling safe to
express it. Most of us tend to avoid men
who are “too male” or women who are “too female” – for good reason. And it is about
finding a partner who wants them just as they are and who won’t scorn them if
they mess up or don’t act in a stereotypical fashion once in a while. At bottom we all, male and female alike, wish
to be loved without expectation. Women have exactly the same issue with finding
a man who will accept them as they are.
Men just have different, and often unexpressed, types of conflict over
this issue. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">In the next part of this article, I will look at the main reasons why some men find it hard to go to counselling; and shall reply to each by saying why I think counselling can actual help alleviate rather than hinder the issue behind the reason. </span><br />
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</div>David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-62221343450708591852012-05-12T10:57:00.000-07:002012-05-14T03:28:00.877-07:00Anger: Some Ways to Think About and Manage it<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Anger is a sign not a solution." R T Potter-Efron<br />
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"Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him." Louis L’Amour<br />
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"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it." Marcus Aurelius.
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Along with relationship issues and loss, I see more people about anger than any other issue. The 2008 Mental Health Organisation study, Boiling Point, suggested that people are getting angrier – close to 1 in 3 of us having a close friend or family member who has trouble controlling their anger; 1 in 4 people were sometimes worried about how angry they felt, and 1 in 5 ended relationships with people as a result of their behaviour when angry.<br />
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It’s important to state at the beginning that anger is not necessarily a negative thing. It’s a very human emotion and it has its uses. Jesus was famously angry in the temple when he knocked over the money changers’ tables – a story, amongst other things, meant to show us that there is a time and place for anger.
What is important is how you process and deal with your anger. I have had clients whose problem with anger was that they bottled it up and could not express it, and others who were angry but did not realise it until therapy released it – once it did, things began to get healthier and happier. It is not healthy to bottle up anger, to suppress it or to deny that you have it.<br />
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Since anger produces the same effects in the body and mind as stress, this means that improperly processed or unhealthy anger can impact badly in different areas of your life – for instance, tiredness, sleep problems, lowered libido, withdrawal, poor levels of tolerance, unhappiness and addictions.<br />
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Many people’s anger issues stem from childhood. Some families are uninhibited about expressing anger. Children may see that anger makes things happen. This may not necessarily make them grow up to be angry themselves. It is possible that they will be afraid of anger and repress it within themselves. Alternatively, if a family finds anger totally unacceptable then the children in it will not learn how to process their own anger. If they do get angry, they will be forced to withhold, but the anger will still come out in several forms – sulking, withdrawal, passive-aggressive behaviour, frustration, depression (it is well said that depression is often "anger without enthusiasm.”) If one parent bullies the other, is often angry or contemptuous, then this too will affect their children both at that point and in their future relationships.
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<b>A few Key Bullet Points about Anger:</b><br />
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Anger is a secondary emotion. It is caused by and hides a deeper emotion. If your boyfriend or girlfriend puts you down in front of your friends, you may get angry when really what you are feeling is hurt or betrayed. Anger is often caused by deep sadness and, most often of all, it’s caused by fear.<br />
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The problem with the above is that anger is a terrible bully that has a way of muscling out all your other feelings. You get angry partly as a defence (maybe not even consciously) to blot out the other more painful emotion – the one that’s really what you’re feeling. Before too long, you’ve forgotten what you’re really feeling. Not surprisingly, counselling is an excellent means of uncovering this deeper pain and processing it in a more healthy way than anger.<br />
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You are responsible for your anger. Yes, you and no one else! It’s true that someone may have done something mean or hurtful to you, but how you respond to that is your business, not theirs. And if you must get angry, consider which form of anger you are going to respond with...<br />
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The first stage is feeling anger, then thinking anger, then expressing anger and lastly acting anger. The healthiest of these is expressing anger. Acting it (through insults, threats, sulks, resentments, physical attacks etc) is destructive, not realising you feel it when you do is repressive and thinking it but not expressing it can cause you great stress or unhappiness...<br />
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A good example of expressing anger from the above scenario would be to say to your boyfriend or girlfriend, “I’m really not happy about what you did in the pub. I do feel angry and need you to hear that - but even more, I feel hurt and slightly betrayed. I wouldn’t do that to you, so please don’t do it to me.” Hopefully they will hear you and respond positively, if not you can take it further - hopefully not to an acting out of anger.<br />
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To follow on from this, if you love or care about the person who you feel angry with, make sure that they know that you have a problem with the behaviour and not them. Don’t let your anger about one issue spill out into a character attack upon them...”you’re a no good **** and I don’t know why I put up with a **** like you!”<br />
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One good way, possibly the best way in my experience, of dealing with anger is to become aware of it in the moment when you feel it – it’s a light-bulb moment: “Ah, I feel angry. Ok then, I usually do X. I’m not going to because that leads to more trouble. I’m going to do Y.” Even people in the habit of rage and red mist can still use this – it’s about practise. You won’t always get it right, but you can improve a lot.<br />
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If you do get it right, and express rather than act anger, reward yourself with a pat on the back and notice the improvement.<br />
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Another way is to look at the triggers of your anger and try to avoid them. I had a client who always got annoyed when his uncle started talking about how much he hated his brother. Since the client liked both brothers, he learnt to avoid that conversation or made excuses when it came up.<br />
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An investigation and management of your anger will require you to look at the deeper reason for it. Often this can be a need for control of others, events or yourself. It is often existential issues – lack of meaning, loss or isolation or lack of freedom. If we address the deeper issue, we can lower the amount of anger.<br />
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Angry people are often self-haters. Ask yourself if you want to be right or happy? Even if your anger is justified, is the issue worth a falling out? It might be, but then again it probably isn’t.<br />
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Learn to “strike when the iron’s cold.” If your husband or wife said or did something that you feel angry about, maybe take it up with them when everything’s cooled down. You are more likely to get an apology then.
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Resentment is a very corrosive, hidden and unpleasant form of anger. It’s a mixture of jealousy, frustration, bitterness and anger. I call it the “joy killer.” You simply cannot be happy if you have deep seated resentments about someone close to you. Talk it over instead. See if you can reach a compromise on important issues to replace the resentment with mutual respect and appreciation for the good things between you. Ask if the resentment is about what you lack rather than what they have and address that honestly and positively in your own life.<br />
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If you’re going to fight, fight fair. No hitting in your loved one's delicate spots! That’s mean, is likely to escalate things and causes deep problems between you later on. I agree that it’s humanly very tempting to do this sometimes, but don’t. Your own experience will show you the sense in this.<br />
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In a bad argument, don’t get the “nuclear weapons” out. By this I mean, for instance, don’t threaten divorce or to leave – unless it REALLY has got to that point, of course, in which case you’ll know it long before this particular argument. Nuclear weapons are deeply destructive. Once they’re out, they won’t go back in very easily. They undermine and they play on fear – and nothing stokes anger like fear. Agree this with your partner in a happy moment over a glass of wine...”if we ever have a really bad argument, let’s not use the nuclear option.”
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Try to laugh when the anger’s over. We all get angry - even saint-like people. Often it is funny. I’ve had couples who release their anger in a pillow fight – an excellent method which often also reveals the silliness of some situations.<br />
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Take time out. Going for a walk when you’re mad is not passive-aggressive or backing down. It’s common sense. You’ll calm down and come back more cool-headed.<br />
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If you’ve been the angry person, don’t punish the other a second time because they are hurt by your anger...realise you may have hurt them deeply and that they have a right to be wary or reluctant - respond with patience and kindness, not trying to make them feel guilty about being hurt or suffocating them in fuss. Sometimes forgiveness needs a little space.<br />
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Also try not to punish them if they eventually snap and get angry back at you. If they’ve been patient for twenty incidents of your anger, it’s no surprise if they snap on the twenty first. It’s dishonest and deflecting to accuse them of being “the angry one,” at this point.<br />
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Anger is energy. Try to channel it positively - exercise, art, sports etc. If it has to be negatively expressed, think about doing this a safer way...shouting or swearing in an empty room, writing a letter you won’t send and may burn later. If your important plan is frustrated, put your energy into improving it or towards a new plan instead of anger.<br />
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Anger can be just another form of love. Not always of course, but often we do get angry with those we love most. Recognise this. Often anger can result in a very passionate encounter between lovers, which is a wonderful and exciting way of release.<br />
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Learning methods of feeling calm or even serene are a great antidote: meditation, breathing techniques, yoga, music, walking etc are all ways of staying more peaceful – and therefore happier.<br />
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David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor. If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about anger, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com. You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid
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"Compassion alone stands apart from the continuous traffic between good and evil proceeding within us." Eric Hoffer<br />
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It seems to me that one of the things happening in modern society has been a clash of values. Not so long ago a community spirit was prevalent. Post WW2, we had the introduction of the welfare state, better care for the old, more consideration of workers’ rights, more parents leaving the doors of their houses open when they went out and letting their children play out, teachers and pupils were valued as people as well as for their results, and we even had a celebration of love and peace in the 60s and early 70s (to highlight the change, in the 80s, Madonna singing about being a Material Girl was a more serious message than we first took on board)... the list goes on. What has happened is that society has become more obsessed with efficiency at the expense of people, money at the expense of compassion and materialism at the expense of well-being. Companies have reduced their work-forces in the drive for efficiency. Less people do more work and have to hit bigger targets and get results quicker. You can see it personified in football with its high turnover of managers and ever increasing business-management model, but it is everywhere. Often quality and long-term strategy is sacrificed for quantity and speed, and human relations suffer dreadfully.
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What happens to people when they come home from a work environment like that? First, many of them take the stress and business values of work home with them and watch tv shows that reinforce their adopted mindset - “the weakest link,” or talent shows whose undercurrent is to mock the untalented or shows were ex-celebrities can be humiliated by eating insects and being lowered into nests of rats, giant spider and snakes. Worse, they perhaps neurotically expect their families to operate on the same level as they do in their business. Second, levels of expectation have risen so that we expect instant gratification and results from everyone around us and thus our schoolchildren expect and desire to be popstars, footballers or glamour models rather than somebody who adds value to society and fulfilment to their life. Third, with this expectation there has come increased levels of division in society from top to bottom, and greater jealousy and envy, which can be a poisonous cocktail. Fourth, levels of anger have gone through the roof both domestically and in society as a whole, so that even fire-fighters and hospital staff are regularly assaulted. And in this grand narcissism, drivenness and materialism, we have become almost immune to bad behaviour (including our own) and spend less time thinking of the needs of others. It is a sad state of affairs, but one people are so immersed and occupied with that they cease to notice until they break down with depression or stress or sheer exhaustion.
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But let us stop and question. Let us get off of the treadmill for a moment and think. What are the benefits of all this “efficiency” and “delivery” really? People are not happier, depression, divorce, anti-social behaviour, job insecurity and lack of meaning (as I highlighted in my last Blog) have all shot up alarmingly. And what have those (both in and out of work) got in return for their massively increased efforts? More clever gadgets to obsess about, more tv channels to watch rubbish on and more cheap alcohol – to dopify them and ease their angst; more choice of items to consume, more instant gratification (if you want it) and a faster pace of life. It has not been worth it.
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Amongst others, the Dalai Lama pointed at a different way: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” I think it is possible to be efficient and hard-working enough to maintain a good standard of living in our Western Societies without going so far that we completely blank out compassion and consideration for others. Success and money do not equal well-being. A quick glance at research showing the happiest and least happy countries on earth shows this. To Google it is quite a revelation. Even Western governments themselves seem to have noticed it – even if they generally pay only lip service to it. What else is the “Big Society,” the “Happiness Tsar,” more money for psychotherapy and counselling and funded studies on well-being about if not that? It seems that governments simultaneously both promote and discourage living our lives by a business model. It would be nice to have some clarity from them.
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So what is one to do? Well, you probably can’t change the world. Unless you are an incredibly successful artist, politician or scientist or Bill Gates with a pocket full of billions of dollars this cannot be done. What you can do is change yourself and start to influence those around you by that – particularly, and most importantly, your children. Let them see that people are more important than targets and that if we consider people first they will reward you with effort; that if you demonstrate that hard work is not in opposition to kindness but ought to run alongside it, then it pays a happiness dividend.
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Perhaps no-one was more successful or famous or could have claimed to have changed the world in the last century more than Albert Einstein, and yet he said this: “seek not to be a man of success but rather a man of value.” Compassion is one of the chief ways you can add value to your life and those of others. And it’s easy to do and you need only start on the little things – respect, appreciation, smiles, giving people more of your time.<br />
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<b>How Counselling Can Help and What it Shows</b>
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I would say that the modern-mindset stands in stark opposition to what counselling is about. When people come to counselling they find an oasis of calm away from the noise and craziness of what modern society is about. Of course, there are other ways to find this peace – walking in nature, music, art, meditation, sport etc. The problem with most of those is that whilst they will relieve you of stress they won’t necessarily connect you to people and help you reconnect to compassion – though they might up to a point. If my clients are lucky, they have found compassion from a few close friends and from a good partner, but increasingly their friends and partners have become as alienated by the demands of modern life as they have – and what then?<br />
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Finding compassion for ourselves can be more challenging and yet without it, we cannot give it to others. As the Buddha said, “you can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”
Counselling can be a good way of reconnecting with compassion in your life in general. Clients receive compassion from their counsellor (as well as a variety of other things like understanding) and then usually seem to reconnect with it within themselves and then go on to offer it to others within their compass as a result. It is not surprising and there is no magic: kindness begets kindness and it always has. We are creatures born to yearn for love, kindness, compassion and appreciation. One only has to look at babies to see this and to Romanian orphans to see the result of its omission.
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I would urge everyone reading this to think a little about compassion in their life. Do you consider the atmosphere and happiness in you home as more important than a list of chores? Do you give it to yourself, do you get it from close others around you, do you give it to others? How might you stay aware of the pressures of modern life and see that they do no disconnect you from something far more powerful and vital to your humanity than what it can offer?
And if you are still not convinced ask yourself which you are more likely to regret when you are 90 - not having been even more efficient and successful or not having been more compassionate?<br />
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David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor. If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about compassion, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com. You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid
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David Seddonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09194783445524178361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8135847546750425255.post-65297286083892410962012-04-26T12:36:00.000-07:002012-04-27T08:08:21.659-07:00Finding Meaning in Our Lives<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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“Ever more people today have the means to live, but no meaning to live for.”Viktor Frankl<br />
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We are meaning seeking creatures. We cannot truly be at peace unless we have something we consider as significant in our lives – something that gives us purpose and fulfilment. There is a sense in which finding a meaning to life is the ultimate question for any of us. One of the regular things that happens in therapy is a search for meaning. It's one of the most inspiring issues - and I really enjoy helping clients find (or re-find) it – simply because I view it as so important. The philosopher Nietzsche and the psychologist Jung both seemed to agree, the former saying that “he who has a why to live can bear almost any how,” and the latter that “meaning makes a great many things endurable – perhaps everything.”<br />
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Unfortunately, we live in a world which increasingly makes it hard for us to find meaning. The fast pace of modern life, materialism, the difficulty of maintaining relationships in a stressful environment, the decline of religion, the difficulty in finding a “job for life” and the encouragement for us all to grasp at instant gratification and anything shallow to assuage our difficult emotions have all played into this lack of meaning. I am not going to say that there hasn’t always been lack of meaning in people’s lives – of course there has, but it has certainly got worse in the last few decades – probably post 1960s if not before. Perhaps oddly, roughly at the time when life became so fast and material expectations rose so quickly, inertia, boredom and apathy seemed to have increased as a perverse counter-weight to this pace. However, those who have sought their meaning through money, endless pleasure-seeking or achieving shallow tasks have invariably not found it there.<br />
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Perhaps Fromm summed this up best in the Art of Loving, when he said: “Modern man has transformed himself into a commodity; he experiences his life energy as an investment with which he should make the highest profit, considering his position and the situation on the personality market. He is alienated from himself, from his fellow men and from nature. His main aim is profitable exchange of his skills, knowledge, and of himself, his "personality package" with others who are equally intent on a fair and profitable exchange. Life has no goal except the one to move, no principle except the one of fair exchange, no satisfaction except the one to consume.” <br />
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It is hardly surprising that about half of the clients who come to me with one problem or another end up at some point by focusing on meaning. This is because meaning is often a hidden problem for many people. It's something they don't want to consider. They may consider every other problem first, but they will avoid this "big one" until a crisis arrives or it is very late in their life and they wake up and realise that there is a hole where there shouldn't be one. The comment, “I have no real meaning in my life” is common, poignant and the cause of deep-seated distress in the speaker. Sometimes clients have reached a state of nihilistic despair or, finding nothing worthwhile at all in their life, have turned to one addiction or another in order to try to blot out their meaninglessness. But need it be like that? I don’t think that it has to be so, even if we do live in a society whose machinations often work against rather than with meaningfulness. But actually, the discovery of "lack of meaning" can be the very thing that turns your life around. <br />
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Here are some ways that people commonly seem to find meaning in their lives – there are others. Some of them may be impossible for you or just not apt, but there is likely to be something on this list that you may be able to engage with to find meaning. And the concept of engagement is key here – if you fully engage with any of these things then you begin to find meaning.<br />
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1. Love. The Beatles were not far off the truth when they sang “All You Need is Love,” and a famous Larkin poem ends “What will survive of us is love.” And it doesn’t matter what form the love is - it needn’t be romantic, however much you desire that. Love for any other human being can give us great meaning and love of something can too.<br />
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2. Connection. This can be to nature, other people (deep friendships being the best one), or God, if you believe in Him and however you perceive Him. A sense of “feeling connected to the universe,” may seem airy-fairy in one sense, but if real it can be a source of meaning.<br />
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3. Doing good things for others. There is no doubt that bankers earn more than a teacher or nurse, but are there many that can find their meaning from their profession? I doubt it. Anything that makes our fellow travellers in this world have an easier journey helps to give us a purpose, money ultimately does not. I’ve no doubt Mother Theresa found endless meaning in her life but, thankfully, we are not all called upon to reach her level of sainthood in order to reach meaning by giving to others.<br />
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4. A creative life project. There is no doubt that making or creating something can give people a purpose. It is not hard to see how a composer, artist, poet or architect can feel that his or her life has purpose. The same is true of inventive and boundary pushing science. But you don't have to be brilliant to find this meaning. We may be mentally drawn to the picture of someone operating at a high spiritual level - mystics, philosophers and monks, for instance - but on a less demanding level, most of us can find meaning in a hobby or sport that we love.<br />
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5. Improving ourselves and feeling that we have reached some sort of spiritual or other full potential. It is possible to achieve this via career, but unless your career is something that you love it is unlikely to be enough on its own – because it has to be an improvement centred on within. This inner improvement is bound to bring some feelings of enlightenment.<br />
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You can even find meaning through your suffering, if by it you feel that in some way you have grown or inspired others. If you think that idea unlikely, then I would strongly suggest that you read Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl found that even in the unfathomable horror of Auschwitz it was possible to find meaning. <br />
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David is a fully qualified and BACP registered Counsellor. If you wish to talk about issues in your life or about meaning, you can book a face to face or skype session with him by ringing 07578 100256 or emailing him at David@eastcheshirecounselling.com. You can also follow him on Twitter as Contented Counsellor at: https://twitter.com/#!/SeddonDavid
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